I Want to Be a Hero

I know a lot of heroes end up being ordinary, humble people who are just doing something to help out their fellow man. Admirable, to say the least.

But that's not me.

I want (dare I say need) that moment where it's just me and death going head to head for the good of mankind.

As horrific as it might be, I want that chance where a stewardess yells, "Can someone fly this plane!" And I step up. I've got my plastic wings on the pilot gave me and 30 hours at a flight simulator. I'm landing this plane. It could be spiraling and I'd be at the helm, calming the tower down. "Listen, I got this."

I even pull the stewardess aside sometimes before we board. Just to let her know I'm available. Chances are they aren't going to need me, but you know, better safe than sorry. It's a good way to have a stranger sift through your underwear, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Here's another thing I do to prepare: Eye of the Tiger. Everywhere I go I have that cued to the hook. Because when the adrenaline kicks in and it's go time, there's no better soundtrack for rescuing a cat from a tree.

I've even been playing a little of that Guitar Hero, just in case.

I won't ever wear a cape or a silly outfit. What I will borrow is the idea for the utility belt. That has to be handy. When the need arises: Tweezers, side pocket. Taser, other side pocket. Number 2 pencil, fanny pack.

While people are planning the perfect crime just for fun, I'm secretly planning the perfect rescue. Because I'd like to just materialize when help is needed, make the grab, and disappear. Like a phantom. The lucky recipient looks at me and says, "Thank you! You're a life saver!" I just shake my head and say, "No need to thank me. It's what I do." Then I'm gone. And bystanders are whispering to each other, "Who was that guy?"

It's not that I'm trying to be humble. I'm just trying to be a hero. It's what I do.

The Blackout of 2007

A few days ago the electricity went out in my apartment for a while and I was thrust into the Stone Age.

This is an account of the Blackout of 2007 that occurred in my apartment building recently.

1:04pm: The electricity shuts off. I immediately panic and run into a wall.

1:06pm: I try flicking the light switch up and down. Nothing happens.

1:09pm: I find a book to read, but it’s not the same without the mp3 narration. I get bored, but leave a bookmark on page 3.

1:15pm: I get the urge to churn butter. I lie down until the feeling passes.

1:17pm: I hear a bird chirp outside and get scared. I usually don’t hear them over the whir of information.

1:21pm: I start to wonder what will happen if the electricity never comes back. I go to the fridge to check for emergency provisions. Just beer and hot dogs. Then I notice the light didn’t come on when I opened the door and I start to weep.

1:22pm: I drink a beer.

1:23pm: I pretend to play XBOX for a while to a blank TV screen. I get a new high score, but my head hurts from all the imagination.

1:35pm: I go to the bathroom to get an Advil. I’m relieved the water still works. The terrorists must have missed that.

1:37pm: I play pick up sticks on the tile floor.

1:40pm: I start to construct a solar energy panel out of tin foil and some extension cords on the porch, but a neighbor looks at me funny. Maybe he wants to kill me and steal my batteries.

1:48pm: I light a candle.

1:49pm: I realize it’s still daylight out and I blow it out.

1:50pm: Without the distraction of TV and the internet, I meditate and discover the meaning of life.

1:55pm: I venture out of my apartment to see if I can find a generator. I see a sign that says, “In case of emergency, break glass.” I shatter it with my hand and grab the axe inside. Then I just carry it around for a while, to protect the neighborhood. The electric security fence is down. Anyone can get in. Even a T-Rex.

2:01pm: The blood loss from my hand is making me a little woozy, so I go back to my apartment and curl up in the fetal position.

2:04pm: Hooray! The lights are back on! Sweet sweet electricity! I'm saved! Bless you Thomas Edison!

2:05pm: I forget the meaning of life.

Ethnic Pride

There’s a weird thing is this country with ethnic pride. Most people seem to identify and relate to people based purely on their geographical background. Puerto Rican Day Parade. Black History Month. St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m German. I have nothing, nothing to be proud of. We started that one war... and then the second one… and the little mishap with the Jews. Plus I look ridiculous in lederhosen. The only thing Germans really get mentioned with anymore besides those two skirmishes is David Hasselhoff. And it’s true. Germans love him. That’s clearly the reason I watched Baywatch.

When the World Cup rolls around, I keep up with the progress of Germany, but I don’t actively root for them like I do for England, USA, and Trinidad and Tobago. And when that Olympic torch is lit, I'm careful to extend my indifference to all nations equally.

In fact, the only sport where I actively support a German is the World’s Strongest Man competition. Because there’s just nothing like seeing a giant minotaur named Franz drag a tank across the line to victory and let out a blitzkrieg of German gibberish.

The only words I know in German are pancake and donut, thanks to a friend of mine. And a few scattering words and phrases from the History Channel that would ruin any Hanukkah party.

Speaking of which, as far as I’m aware, I have no Jewish enemies. I’m a likeable guy, once you get to know me. And I’m willing to bet if Anne Frank knew me, she would like me too. She might even write a little passage about me in her diary.

It would start off pretty innocent, just a simple mention that she met me and thought I was cute. It happens. Then she would start to give in to my charm a little bit.

“Dear Diary,

I’ve been thinking about Jeff a lot lately. I don’t know what it is, because he’s kind of awkward and nerdy. And some of the stuff he says or writes is just plain wrong. But when we were playing hide and seek the other day, he showed me the best spot in the attic. He’s so sweet.”

What can I say, I’m likeable.
Well, maybe not after this…

Bone Thugs N Harmony

Warning: This Miscellaneous Thought will definitely offend you. I’m offended and I wrote it.

This past Sabbath there was a documentary on the Discovery channel called “The Lost Tomb of Jesus” associated with Academy Award Director James Cameron. James Cameron? What is he doing looking for Jesus? First, Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones was crusading for the Holy Grail. Then Tom Hanks and the DaVinci code were upsetting Christians with contradictions about the Bible. Now the "Titanic" guy is excavating Jesus bones? Can’t Hollywood Jews leave Jesus alone? Where is drunk Mel Gibson when you need him? And for Christ's (bones) sake, why James Cameron?

The documentary explained that archeologists had discovered the tomb of Jesus and his family. Yes, that Jesus. The one you’re thinking of, not the other one.

In the tomb, according to the TV special and reports, they found Jesus’s coffin and bones, as well as the remains of Mary Magdalene who is said to be his wife. One of the coffins even has “Judah, son of Jesus” written on it, which brings new meaning to the phrase ‘what would Jesus do?’” It’s ok Catholics, Jesus was having unprotected sex too.

The tombs inscriptions are written in Aramaic, but the tomb reads, “Yehuda bar Yeshua,” which roughly translates in English to “Judah son of Jesus.” All of these bones were reportedly dug up by a dog named Odysseus, which in English roughly translates to “Odie.”

As an atheist, the hardest part is interpreting the documentary. Parts of the documentary contradict itself, so sometimes I don’t know what to think. And the first and second halves of the episode seemed to paint the Jesus tomb in a different light. It’s hard to decide what to believe, especially since some of it could have been lost in translation all these years. There are even certain sects of atheism that believe in parts of the documentary, but not all of it. While the Purists believe the documentary is infallible. I’m so confused.

The problem most people are having is “how do you prove it’s Jesus?” Simple. DNA. Just like everything else. We’re in the process of identifying the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. Why not experimenting with Jesus bones? I’ve been told since Sunday school that we all hold a little piece of Jesus. I know I keep mine right here… in my heart. And you can’t see me, but I’m pointing to my heart. Where the Jesus DNA is.

And if they have Jesus DNA, what will keep them from cloning Jesus in the future? Maybe that will be the second coming everyone has been talking about. An army of Jesuses (Jesusi?) marching from the Vatican, turning water into wine and all that. And the Jesus clones will be pit against the robot army and there will be a battle of “biblical” proportions. The world will be forced to take sides as the Jesusi and the Robots clash in an apocalyptic war reminiscent of the movie "Terminator," which was directed by James Cameron. Oh, that’s how he’s connected…

OSHA

Today at work an OSHA sign almost fell on my head.

Robot Cars

Just think, in fifty years we won't even have to drive our own cars. Robots and machines will control vehicles and we'll just be the passengers. No more wrecks. No more crazy traffic. No more tickets. There won't even be a need for traffic cops.

There will still be police though. We have to have someone to quell the rising robot rebellion.

Eddie Murphy Continues to Be Unfunny

I don't mean to turn this into an Oscar blog or something, but I saw this and thought it was interesting.
Eddie Murphy Storms Out After Loss

Also, I wanted to point out I got 4/5 right on the Oscars. Not too shabby. Plus, I noted the Best Supporting Actor could have gone in any direction, so that clears up that little mistake. So really I was 100% correct, if you think about it.

I was always good at picking the winners though. 'Ole Lucky Leins they used to call me down at the race track. And they'd tussle my hair after a big win. Until I told them to bet it all on Barbaro in the 2006 Preakness. That damn horse hurt its leg. So they hurt my leg. And now I'll always walk with a limp.

Wait, what were we talking about?

Best Picture

The Queen – This movie was only nominated because Helen Mirren was just that good. A mere formality in the category (much like the monarchy) and I was about as interested as an American is in the British royal family. Though it wasn’t as painful to watch as the usual royal backdrop (see Marie Antoinette), The Queen served as just a medium for Mirren to “act a fool up in here.” You go girl. (I'm so white) She’ll win the Oscar, this movie will not. This spot should have been replaced by Little Children or Children of Men.

Letters from Iwo Jima – Haven’t seen it. I heard it better than its American sister Flags of Our Fathers and its Japanese brother Karate Kid Part II. I’ve heard it could sweep in and win it all though. “Sweep the leg, Johnny.”

Little Miss Sunshine – A cute little movie that is being dubbed “the little independent that could” since it continues to win accolades in the road to the Oscars. It is definitely a great movie for a comedy, but not the best comedy of the year which would go to Borat or Thank You for Smoking. Steve Carrell might be one of the funniest men in movies right now, but did a great job supporting a fantastic ensemble cast. Though I think it’s only being considered so funny because of the ending, which is like nominating 1993 masterpiece Airborne because the end rollerblading scene was totally rad. Which it was. Totally rad.

Babel – An awful meandering film with an unrealistic plot and very little character development. It’s a collection of stories that barely connect throughout the film. I liked it the first time when it was a good movie called Love Actually. Or Crash. Or twenty others just like it. Maybe if the writer had come up with an original concept and put the movie in the right order he might have been able to salvage a memorable movie. And I heard enough "babble" and "Babel" puns to last me until next year's Oscars lineup of hack talk show hosts. Babel and Joan Rivers are both awful.

The Departed – A gritty cat and mouse tale of rival undercover rats from both sides of Boston organized crime. The favorite for this year’s Oscar, The Departed is a thriller from beginning to the end, unlike Oscar rival The Queen, which is mostly boring from start to finish. There are few flaws throughout, but you only notice them if you’ve seen the original Infernal Affairs, an equally great film. And if you saw The Departed and didn’t like it, then I have one question for you. Why do you hate America? Because you’re a communist. So listen Red, this movie will win Best Picture.

Best Actor

Leonardo DiCaprio – It seems like only yesterday Leo was a homeless ruffian named Luke on “Growing Pains.” Who would have thought that that young kid would one day be bigger than the star Kirk Cameron? The answer is no one. No one would have thought that. Million to one odds. You ask one million people, “Who’s bigger in ten years, Kirk or Leo?” They all say, “Oh, Kirk, without a doubt. There is no way he’s going to fade into obscurity while Leo becomes an Oscar nominee.” All of them would be wrong. Except one crazy guy who didn’t understand the question. Flash forward and Leo’s drawing Kate naked on a big boat in the biggest movie ever. Then he does a string of epic films including this year’s The Departed and Blood Diamond. And the Academy nominates him for the movie no one saw. Maybe it was because the accent was tougher to pull off.

Peter O’Toole – According to IMDB.com, O’Toole has been in over 75 movies in his career. Now, if I may, I would consider myself a movie “buff.” I’ve seen quite a few films. Of Peter’s very lengthy list of films, I have seen a total of a half of a film. Not half of his list… about an hour and a half total. I fell asleep during Lawrence of Arabia, and that’s my exposure to his entire body of work. And that includes this movie that I’ve never even heard of (Venus). And, strangely enough, the man is also 75. The man is nominated for an Oscar on his death bed after an extensive career and the best I can do is “Um, yeah, never heard of him.”

Ryan Gosling – I actually did see this movie though, Half Nelson. And I think I might be the only one I know who saw it. I definitely was glad to see him nominated because he’s definitely an underrated and fantastic actor. He won’t win this year. It's probably too early in his career, but he’ll definitely get many other chances. But I’ve got my eye on you, Gosling. I like the cut of your jib.

Will Smith – Now I could go on a rant here about how Will Smith is a joke of an actor and I could never take him seriously. I could start by making fun of his breakout role as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I might even quote a few cheesy lines from his action movies like Independence Day or Bad Boys. And if I wanted to really bring out the big six shooters, I’d bring up Wild Wild West. But I wouldn’t do that; only because this is supposed to be about his latest film Pursuit of Happyness, which he’s nominated for, and I'm surprised there isn't an accompanying rap song. And I won’t get distracted that Microsoft Word is putting the squiggly red line under the word Happyness. Again, because it’s about his performance and subsequent nomination. By the way, his son plays the little boy in this movie and he’s adorable.

Forest Whitaker – It’s a lock. Forest Whitaker will be taking home the Oscar for his performance in Last King of Scotland. I saw this movie and he did an amazing job. He’s highly favored to win and rightfully so. But just to be fair, since I joked about the other guys… he directed Waiting to Exhale.

Best Supporting Actor

Mark Wahlberg – That quayah has come a lahng way from being Mahky Mahk. Wahlberg used to be Teen Magazine’s “Hunk of the Month” and now he’s nahminated for an Ahscar. Which is wee-id because of you look back on his cahreeah he’s been in a lot of wicked movies, but none of them really killah. I’m having a hahd time bashing the guy. He’s wicked smaht and he created “Ahntourage” on HBO, which is a pissa. So I say to Mahky Mahk, keep it up.

As for The Depahted, he wasn’t even the best supporting actor in the movie. Alec Bahdwin did a great jahb and delivered just as many wicked pissa lines. Mahtin Sheen was wicked ahsome too. Walhberg wasn’t gahbidge, but not the best.

(By the way, I could do this all day. “Hey, how why ya? How’s yah fahtha?”)

Djimon Hounsou – I learned how to say his name by looking it up. It’s pronounced Jie-mon Hahn-soo. And while I was there I read about his life story. He went to Paris from Africa when he was 13 and was homeless, wandering around and scraping by. Then he was discovered by a fashion designer and he became a model. He was in some music videos and then broke into acting. And now he’s nominated for an Oscar for Blood Diamond. His story is great and so is the movie. They both show that not all native Africans are wearing loincloths and hunting wildlife with spears. I blame the Discovery channel.

Alan Arkin – Definitely wasn’t on screen that much, but when he delivered lines they were done very very well. A lot of people are saying he’s the dark horse for the naked man statue. Just like his Little Miss Sunshine, he’s considered the fan favorite. This category could go in any direction really.

Eddie Murphy – In the movie Shrek, he provides the voice of an ass. In Dreamgirls, he does the same. Eddie Murphy is a funny stand-up comic, but he tried to play a serious role in a musical. A bad musical. He’s even the front runner for the win for some reason. Shouldn’t he be playing opposite himself for a paycheck somewhere? I’m surprised the Dreamgirls weren’t a group of Eddie Murphys dressed in drag and fat suits making fart jokes. It’s been almost 20 years since he's said anything funny on film. Go back to stand-up.

Jackie Earl Haley - I’m calling the upset, folks. I’m looking for a come-from-behind victory here. Haley hasn’t worked in movies since 1993. And before that he was famous as a child actor in The Bad News Bears. He’s been delivering pizzas and driving limos for the past 14 years.

Now he plays a loveable pedophile/sex offender in Little Children.

What’s not to like about his chances? JEH for Best Supporting Actor.