The Blackout of 2007

A few days ago the electricity went out in my apartment for a while and I was thrust into the Stone Age.

This is an account of the Blackout of 2007 that occurred in my apartment building recently.

1:04pm: The electricity shuts off. I immediately panic and run into a wall.

1:06pm: I try flicking the light switch up and down. Nothing happens.

1:09pm: I find a book to read, but it’s not the same without the mp3 narration. I get bored, but leave a bookmark on page 3.

1:15pm: I get the urge to churn butter. I lie down until the feeling passes.

1:17pm: I hear a bird chirp outside and get scared. I usually don’t hear them over the whir of information.

1:21pm: I start to wonder what will happen if the electricity never comes back. I go to the fridge to check for emergency provisions. Just beer and hot dogs. Then I notice the light didn’t come on when I opened the door and I start to weep.

1:22pm: I drink a beer.

1:23pm: I pretend to play XBOX for a while to a blank TV screen. I get a new high score, but my head hurts from all the imagination.

1:35pm: I go to the bathroom to get an Advil. I’m relieved the water still works. The terrorists must have missed that.

1:37pm: I play pick up sticks on the tile floor.

1:40pm: I start to construct a solar energy panel out of tin foil and some extension cords on the porch, but a neighbor looks at me funny. Maybe he wants to kill me and steal my batteries.

1:48pm: I light a candle.

1:49pm: I realize it’s still daylight out and I blow it out.

1:50pm: Without the distraction of TV and the internet, I meditate and discover the meaning of life.

1:55pm: I venture out of my apartment to see if I can find a generator. I see a sign that says, “In case of emergency, break glass.” I shatter it with my hand and grab the axe inside. Then I just carry it around for a while, to protect the neighborhood. The electric security fence is down. Anyone can get in. Even a T-Rex.

2:01pm: The blood loss from my hand is making me a little woozy, so I go back to my apartment and curl up in the fetal position.

2:04pm: Hooray! The lights are back on! Sweet sweet electricity! I'm saved! Bless you Thomas Edison!

2:05pm: I forget the meaning of life.