I Want to Be a Hero

I know a lot of heroes end up being ordinary, humble people who are just doing something to help out their fellow man. Admirable, to say the least.

But that's not me.

I want (dare I say need) that moment where it's just me and death going head to head for the good of mankind.

As horrific as it might be, I want that chance where a stewardess yells, "Can someone fly this plane!" And I step up. I've got my plastic wings on the pilot gave me and 30 hours at a flight simulator. I'm landing this plane. It could be spiraling and I'd be at the helm, calming the tower down. "Listen, I got this."

I even pull the stewardess aside sometimes before we board. Just to let her know I'm available. Chances are they aren't going to need me, but you know, better safe than sorry. It's a good way to have a stranger sift through your underwear, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Here's another thing I do to prepare: Eye of the Tiger. Everywhere I go I have that cued to the hook. Because when the adrenaline kicks in and it's go time, there's no better soundtrack for rescuing a cat from a tree.

I've even been playing a little of that Guitar Hero, just in case.

I won't ever wear a cape or a silly outfit. What I will borrow is the idea for the utility belt. That has to be handy. When the need arises: Tweezers, side pocket. Taser, other side pocket. Number 2 pencil, fanny pack.

While people are planning the perfect crime just for fun, I'm secretly planning the perfect rescue. Because I'd like to just materialize when help is needed, make the grab, and disappear. Like a phantom. The lucky recipient looks at me and says, "Thank you! You're a life saver!" I just shake my head and say, "No need to thank me. It's what I do." Then I'm gone. And bystanders are whispering to each other, "Who was that guy?"

It's not that I'm trying to be humble. I'm just trying to be a hero. It's what I do.