Bears Separate After Burglary

The couple made famous after a home invasion by the blond-haired Goldilocks is separating. Mama Bear has filed for divorce from Papa Bear, citing "irreconcilable differences" and seeking custody of their child, Baby.

When reached for comment, Mama Bear said, "We just had nothing in common. He liked his porridge too hot. I liked it too cold. We've even been sleeping in separate beds for years." She continued, telling the Forest Report, "Our family never got over that horrible burglary. Papa refuses to fix the broken chair, and Baby hasn't spoken since he found a human in his bed. It's all very unbearable."

On the other side of the dispute, Papa responded simply by saying, "Yeah, we can talk. So what?"

Goldilocks is still at large.