The Tin Man Goes on a Killing Spree

Keeping up my fairy tale news stories with some dark humor...

Breaking news from the Emerald City today as Tin Woodman, also known as the "Tin Man," went on a killing spree, killing two adult Munchkins, three winged monkeys, a human girl and, we were told, her "little dog too," a Terrier named Toto. The teenage girl has been identified as Dorothy Gale, a Kansas native passing through following a freak tornado accident.

The incident happened on the famous Yellow Brick Road where detectives told us the gruesome scene turned the cobblestone pathway, "a sickening shade of orange." An arrest warrant had been issued days earlier for Dorothy, who allegedly landed her home on a woman from the East. One officer, who commented with a condition of anonymity, said, "The evidence against Ms. Gale was quite obvious. It's definitely her house."

Authorities are questioning Dorothy's other traveling companions, a local mentally handicapped man made of straw and a male lion described only as "cowardly." Neither were able to stop Woodman, but Oz authorities located the suspect several miles down the road, rusted to a stop, where he was disassembled. Gale's ruby slippers were reported missing.

One local villager, who stressed he "represents the Lollipop Guild," agreed to speak with us and said Woodman had been seen carrying an axe through Oz, which has been strictly forbidden by Wizard law since the early 1900s. The Tin Man's motives are unclear at this point, but an Oz spokesman said, "He's heartless."

Bears Separate After Burglary

The couple made famous after a home invasion by the blond-haired Goldilocks is separating. Mama Bear has filed for divorce from Papa Bear, citing "irreconcilable differences" and seeking custody of their child, Baby.

When reached for comment, Mama Bear said, "We just had nothing in common. He liked his porridge too hot. I liked it too cold. We've even been sleeping in separate beds for years." She continued, telling the Forest Report, "Our family never got over that horrible burglary. Papa refuses to fix the broken chair, and Baby hasn't spoken since he found a human in his bed. It's all very unbearable."

On the other side of the dispute, Papa responded simply by saying, "Yeah, we can talk. So what?"

Goldilocks is still at large.