Bone Thugs N Harmony

Warning: This Miscellaneous Thought will definitely offend you. I’m offended and I wrote it.

This past Sabbath there was a documentary on the Discovery channel called “The Lost Tomb of Jesus” associated with Academy Award Director James Cameron. James Cameron? What is he doing looking for Jesus? First, Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones was crusading for the Holy Grail. Then Tom Hanks and the DaVinci code were upsetting Christians with contradictions about the Bible. Now the "Titanic" guy is excavating Jesus bones? Can’t Hollywood Jews leave Jesus alone? Where is drunk Mel Gibson when you need him? And for Christ's (bones) sake, why James Cameron?

The documentary explained that archeologists had discovered the tomb of Jesus and his family. Yes, that Jesus. The one you’re thinking of, not the other one.

In the tomb, according to the TV special and reports, they found Jesus’s coffin and bones, as well as the remains of Mary Magdalene who is said to be his wife. One of the coffins even has “Judah, son of Jesus” written on it, which brings new meaning to the phrase ‘what would Jesus do?’” It’s ok Catholics, Jesus was having unprotected sex too.

The tombs inscriptions are written in Aramaic, but the tomb reads, “Yehuda bar Yeshua,” which roughly translates in English to “Judah son of Jesus.” All of these bones were reportedly dug up by a dog named Odysseus, which in English roughly translates to “Odie.”

As an atheist, the hardest part is interpreting the documentary. Parts of the documentary contradict itself, so sometimes I don’t know what to think. And the first and second halves of the episode seemed to paint the Jesus tomb in a different light. It’s hard to decide what to believe, especially since some of it could have been lost in translation all these years. There are even certain sects of atheism that believe in parts of the documentary, but not all of it. While the Purists believe the documentary is infallible. I’m so confused.

The problem most people are having is “how do you prove it’s Jesus?” Simple. DNA. Just like everything else. We’re in the process of identifying the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. Why not experimenting with Jesus bones? I’ve been told since Sunday school that we all hold a little piece of Jesus. I know I keep mine right here… in my heart. And you can’t see me, but I’m pointing to my heart. Where the Jesus DNA is.

And if they have Jesus DNA, what will keep them from cloning Jesus in the future? Maybe that will be the second coming everyone has been talking about. An army of Jesuses (Jesusi?) marching from the Vatican, turning water into wine and all that. And the Jesus clones will be pit against the robot army and there will be a battle of “biblical” proportions. The world will be forced to take sides as the Jesusi and the Robots clash in an apocalyptic war reminiscent of the movie "Terminator," which was directed by James Cameron. Oh, that’s how he’s connected…