Best Supporting Actor

Mark Wahlberg – That quayah has come a lahng way from being Mahky Mahk. Wahlberg used to be Teen Magazine’s “Hunk of the Month” and now he’s nahminated for an Ahscar. Which is wee-id because of you look back on his cahreeah he’s been in a lot of wicked movies, but none of them really killah. I’m having a hahd time bashing the guy. He’s wicked smaht and he created “Ahntourage” on HBO, which is a pissa. So I say to Mahky Mahk, keep it up.

As for The Depahted, he wasn’t even the best supporting actor in the movie. Alec Bahdwin did a great jahb and delivered just as many wicked pissa lines. Mahtin Sheen was wicked ahsome too. Walhberg wasn’t gahbidge, but not the best.

(By the way, I could do this all day. “Hey, how why ya? How’s yah fahtha?”)

Djimon Hounsou – I learned how to say his name by looking it up. It’s pronounced Jie-mon Hahn-soo. And while I was there I read about his life story. He went to Paris from Africa when he was 13 and was homeless, wandering around and scraping by. Then he was discovered by a fashion designer and he became a model. He was in some music videos and then broke into acting. And now he’s nominated for an Oscar for Blood Diamond. His story is great and so is the movie. They both show that not all native Africans are wearing loincloths and hunting wildlife with spears. I blame the Discovery channel.

Alan Arkin – Definitely wasn’t on screen that much, but when he delivered lines they were done very very well. A lot of people are saying he’s the dark horse for the naked man statue. Just like his Little Miss Sunshine, he’s considered the fan favorite. This category could go in any direction really.

Eddie Murphy – In the movie Shrek, he provides the voice of an ass. In Dreamgirls, he does the same. Eddie Murphy is a funny stand-up comic, but he tried to play a serious role in a musical. A bad musical. He’s even the front runner for the win for some reason. Shouldn’t he be playing opposite himself for a paycheck somewhere? I’m surprised the Dreamgirls weren’t a group of Eddie Murphys dressed in drag and fat suits making fart jokes. It’s been almost 20 years since he's said anything funny on film. Go back to stand-up.

Jackie Earl Haley - I’m calling the upset, folks. I’m looking for a come-from-behind victory here. Haley hasn’t worked in movies since 1993. And before that he was famous as a child actor in The Bad News Bears. He’s been delivering pizzas and driving limos for the past 14 years.

Now he plays a loveable pedophile/sex offender in Little Children.

What’s not to like about his chances? JEH for Best Supporting Actor.