News from the Short Bus

A 13 year old boy in Alaska stabbed another kid on the bus on the way home from school. And the bus driver didn't notice.
http://www.adn.com/news/alaska/story/6181544p-6056351c.html

The kids got in verbal, "name calling" fight, so he shanked him. 13 and 14 year old kids!
The worst arguments we ever had back then were over pogs or which ninja turtle would win in a fight. The answer was CLEARLY Raphael. And don't argue with me, or I will cut you.

I blame the media. No, it's the video games' fault. Wait, Marilyn Manson. Screw it, I blame the Swiss, with their pocketknife armies and their... cheese.

The "worst/best/worst again" part about it all is that the bus driver had NO idea that a kid was getting skewered in the back of the bus. Old Man River looks like he can barely see the road, much less what's going on in his peripheral vision.

What ever happened to the old fashion "Hey! Hey bus driver! Help! I'm getting stabbed back here!"

Crazy Alaskans.

Game Over

Here at Miscellaneous Thoughts we usually don’t focus on celebrity news. We like to hold our website to a higher standard, not one that drags the murky waters of tabloid journalism like Entertainment Tonight. But today was a slow news day what with North Korea merely announcing that it has nuclear capabilities and a continuing war in Iraq just days after an important democratic election. Forget all that though, because even Mary Hart would agree, this is real news.

Mario and Princess are calling it quits.

After 10 long years of marriage, the two are parting ways in what is considered one of the nastiest and most heart-breaking divorces in show business, both parties stating that things were not so "super." This recent development amidst allegations that the Princess has been having a torrid love affair with Mario’s brother and partner in crime fighting, Luigi.

Luigi declined comment.

This couple got together in 1990 after Mario heroically rescued her from the clutches of Bowser for the third time.

Bowser has since gone on to recording rap albums, including his most recent album “Little Bow-Bow,” the follow-up to his hit multi-platinum record “No Limit Koopa.” He said the whole kidnapping thing was just a misunderstanding. “I wasn’t throwing hammers AT Mario. I was just practicing my hammer throwing in his general vicinity. I think that’s happened to us all, hasn’t it?”

The Princess is quoted at the divorce hearing as saying, “You never even rescue me any more!”
Mario exclaimed vehemently, “Mama mia! Sometimes I wish I had never even rescued you all those times!”

The Princess continued later to reporters, saying “Sure, it was fun at first. There was Mario Party 1. Then Mario Party 2. But soon there were so many parties, that I was beginning to wonder if we were ever going to have time by ourselves. You know, like old times.
Plus, he never does anything nice for me. I mean, the one time he brought me flowers he ended up eating them, then throwing fire balls all around the room.”

Greatest Story Ever Told

Too often in life we take things for granted. We bustle about in our daily routines, passing by the finer things, such as art. A fine painting or a beautiful song.

What most people don't realize is that movies are an art form too. Cinema combines the elements of sound and video to create a form of expression like no other. And in this case, the animation techniques of some of the most brilliant minds in the world.

And what drives this art form, as it glides across the silver screen, are emotionally moving stories about interesting characters.
Since 1895, when the first motion pictures were shot, cinema has shaped this great nation. But it wasn't until 2003, nearly 110 years later, that it was perfected in this truly synergistic and indescribable display of storytelling.

Some may argue that Citizen Kane is the greatest movie ever made. Or the Godfather trilogy. Or even Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's How the West Was Fun. But I say, "Nay. I have found it. The best movie ever."

So, without further ado I present to you, the greatest story ever told:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0374020/

Spongebob a Little TOO Soft for Some

Soak this one up. Christian Groups have recently slammed the children’s cartoon Spongebob Squarepants for promoting homosexuality to kids. The purple Teletubby and him have joined forces to infiltrate and spread gayness at an early age.

Apparently the group, erroneously called Focus on the Family, is up in arms about a video where Spongebob appears with a few other television pals about tolerance and multiculturalism after 9/11.

Here’s an actual quote from the leader Christian fundamentalist whack-job about the Spongebob video.

"We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," he said. "It is a classic bait and switch."

CLASSIC bait and switch. Happens all the time. The evil cartoon empire lures children in with loveable characters and then swaps them for naked men having sex with each other. Classic.

I personally don’t see anything wrong with him. Last thing I heard there’s nothing in the Bible about enjoying a little carefree cartoon sponge hangin’ out with his buddies. He looks like a sponge version of Dilbert, actually. And he’s not gay, that I’m aware of. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Cartoons were never criticized as potentially gay in the past. Speed Racer was never accused of “driving on the other side of the road.” The environmentalist superhero Captain Planet, clearly quite liberal, was never questioned about “swinging that way.” Even He-Man never stirred up this kind of controversy.

Besides, a gay cartoon would never be caught dead in socks like those.

Hugging

You ever notice how hugging can get awkward if done incorrectly? I think we've all had our hug-tastrophes. I’m no exception. I’ll admit; I don’t even know which one is the hug, the X or the O. I guess it doesn’t matter, since I’m not really crafting hand-written notes for flower bouquets.

Hug-tastrophes come in all different forms, lurking and waiting to create an uncomfortable moment. For example, have you ever had the problem of the accidental face-to-face? You go to hug, and there’s that split second where you have to choose which side your head is gonna go. You have a 50/50 chance of picking the wrong side and almost turning that hug into a kiss. Sometimes it’s awkward enough as it is, but now you have to worry about head juking on the way in.

It’s like when you’re walking towards someone and you try to step out of the way. But uh oh, they chose that side too. Now you’re both practically waltzing, until one finally slides past and you both move on, thinking, “Man, that was awkward.”

It’s exactly like that, but now your face is inches away from theirs and you’re already in a half embrace. Your arms are out there. You're moving slowly closer. You are now committed to a hug. There is no turning back now. And your head is shaking back and forth like Jay Leno as you desperately try to avoid turning that harmless hug into a sudden smooch. But you can’t abort now because you don’t want to offend.

Now that you’re in the huddle, someone has to call the play.
“All right, you go left.”
“Which left? Your left or my left?”
“Just pick a side and go with it.”
“Ok. Ready? Hug.”

Those Italians have it down though. Everyone seems to know which way they’re going on The Sopranos. I think it's because they add that double cheek kiss onto it.

It’s like a handshake. Always with the right hand. Everyone knows you’re going right.
But with hugs, there ARE no rules. HUG AT YOUR OWN RISK, PEOPLE.

I’ll never attempt the double cheek kiss though. Hopefully never have to. Because I know I’d screw it up. I just know it. I’d wind up mouth kissing my mother-in-law or something. Or worse, my father-in-law.

When two guys hug there’s a whole new set of insecurities thrown in there. I mean, if they’re family or something, they just bear hug and are done with it. But otherwise, there’s that phase where you’re past the handshake greeting, but you’re nooooot quite at the bear hug level.

Here are a few of the possible maneuvers in the man arsenal:
The Sideways Hug:
This consists of throwing the arm casually around the shoulders or waist of the other male, avoiding any chest to chest or incidental face-to-face contact. Perfect for homophobes.

The Handshake Conversion:
What starts out as a handshake suddenly becomes a pull move into a shoulder bump. I’ve read they execute this maneuver in “the hood.”

The Manliest Hug Possible:
When it would be awkward NOT to hug, as “other people are doing it,” there’s always the "Manliest Hug Possible." This includes much grunting, growling, and “hey there, big guy” comments as you can fit into the hug duration. Also a firm back pounding is in order.

But sometimes, despite the risks, I can be a hugger. A real squeezer. You know why? Because then women think I’m sensitive. Right there in the greeting they’re thinking, “He tends to my needs.” And I’m thinking, “I just saw the front, and helloooo there’s the back.”

I’m a short guy too, so any girl over six feet is going to be giving me a face full of mammary, which is nice.




Ok, so that was probably wrong of me to say. And possibly offensive. I didn’t really mean it. I’m sorry.
How about we hug it out?
XOXO