Curling

Are they kidding me with this "sport?" Its like somone combined bowling on ice with... sweeping. And then, to top it all off, they called it curling.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, this is the only event in the Olympics where you can be over 40 and still be a "tremendous athlete." Each team takes turns sliding a rock down the ice towards a target. Whoever is closest to the inside of the circle, gets a point. And that's pretty much it.

How did this become an Olympic event? The Olympics originally started out as a series of games that determined the strongest men. They were made up of manly sports like the javelin and wrestling.

Now we have an event called curling where grown men sweep ice in a line and try not to fall on their ass. That's the real challenge. Not falling down while walking on the ice. "Everyone quiet, they need concentration for this." Seriously, this is like a Sunday chore gone too far. Grown men sweeping. They're literally playing the role of zamboni.

The Canadians are the favorites this year. Apparently they have the strategy to win it all this year in the curling event and a team comprised of hockey rejects. Nothing would be more satisfying than to stand on that podium with the gold medal around your neck, listening to the anthem play, thinking, "I am the best sweeper of ice in the whole world."

Fry Guys

McDonalds has a lot of characters, including Grimace the taste bud (yup, he's a taste bud), but none have it bad quite like the fry guys.
They don't get the credit they deserve. They're always hiding behind Ronald and his big red afro. Or the Hamburgaler and his strange fixation on Big Macs.

But the problem is this:

Fry guys, of course, are made entirely out of fries. And when you eat them, you are in fact committing genocide. That's right. Genocide: the killing off of a race. You think you're just eating fries, but you're actually eating the friends, family members, and kinsmen of the beloved fry guys.

You think its fine. You're super sizing it just so you can get more fries and shove them into your gaping, hungry mouth. Salt 'em up real nice and devour them one by one. Those guys were put into baskets and dunked into frying liquid to sizzle and pop, just so you could get something else in your extra value meal.

"America's favorite fries." How many have to die, America? How many?

Knighthood

On January 28th, the great producer/director Steven Spielberg was knighted in England. This honor is usually reserved for people that are actually British, but since he's just so darn cool he got knighted. He won't be called "Sir," but will have the option of adding KBE to the end of his name, which stands for Knight of the British Empire.
Spielberg joins the ranks of knighthood with legends Alfred Hitchcock, Paul McCartney, and Elton John. Though I'm pretty sure they don't make yellow and pink polka-dotted armor, I just can't see the Rocket Man riding into battle on a noble steed wielding a mighty sword, protecting over the British Empire. He's not exactly Sir Lancelot. Besides, protecting over the British is left up to the Americans.

And speaking of Americans saving the British, other knights of the round table include former Presidents George Bush and Ronald Reagan. I don't know about you, but I think its kind of weird that the British are trying to recruit our former Commanders in Chief. They're not mercenaries, they're former leaders of the United States. You can't have 'em Queenie. Ok... well... maybe just Reagan. But you gotta trade us Hugh Grant.

Ian Holm and Ian McKellen, two of the actors from the Lord of the Rings, were also knighted recently. I guess the Brits were thinking, "You know who would be a good addition to the brotherhood of knightly guys? Gandalf the Wizard and Bilbo the Hobbit."

So basically, knighthood doesn't really mean anything. Sir or KBE is basically a pointless title... like Queen. They're running a regular medieval fantasy world over there in Britain. Knights don't really have any militaristic responsibility, just like we wouldn't ask the Boy Scouts of America to be our military. Though they don't let gays in their ranks either.

So, in conclusion, Steven Spielberg does not deserve to be knighted. Even I could take him, no problem. And if he's reading this (which I'm sure he is)... Hey, Spiels, me and you. Outside. By the swings. 3 o'clock. We'll see who's knight material.

Ali

I won't disgrace the legendary Muhammad Ali by poking fun at him, but I would like to talk about the movie simply and cleverly titled Ali.

Couldn't they have gotten a different actor to play him on screen? They could have chosen a distinguished Denzel Washington, or a more bad ass Wesley Snipes, or even an underrated Paul Reubens. But no. They had to choose Will Smith, Fresh Prince of Bel Air. The guy whose mom had to send him to Bel Air to keep from getting beat up is now knocking out people in the boxing ring. Though he deserves this honorable role after one of his latest disasters, Wild Wild West, where he once again brought us to tears with his accompanying rap rendition. Without, I might add, the one who got him there to begin with, DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Now lets look at some of the battles that Will Smith has had to fight in his career that may explain why he landed this role:

In his glory days on Fresh Prince of Bel Air he had to battle with the ratings of the mighty Steve Urkel. With a foe like this, I'm surprised we didn't see more noogies being dished out. Or maybe an occasional purple nerple. And let's not forget the heartache that came with changing moms and aunts every season.

With all odds stacked against him, he battled giant aliens in Men In Black and Independence Day. Though it was the illegal introduction of a weapon that landed him the KO against the oversized cockroach. Some still question whether or not that match was actually won by Smith because technically he lost the boxing portion.

And he "float[ed] like a butterfly, stung like a bee" against the iron-headed guy in Wild Wild West. No one is sure how exactly he pulled off the victory there and I couldn't bring myself to watch it again to find out.

But I can't rag on him completely. There is always Bad Boys. Which still leaves us thinking "What are you gonna do?" (See also: fluke)

So, in conclusion, I have seen the movie and it was a typical performance from "Big Willie Style." And once again he will go overlooked for the Oscars, what a shame. Maybe the next Willennium.

Fat Guy

I just saw the biggest, most corpulent teenager ever, and I must say that it was the funniest sight I have seen in a long time. There was no way to call him "festively plump." He is a huge fat ass. We'll just call him Humpty Dumpty.

First of all Humpty's head looked like it was almost a perfect sphere. But it was little too tiny for his enormous torso. It looked like an orange smashed onto a mega-pumpkin on steroids.

Humpty sort of resembles a snowman. But with a snowman, there is a little more neck definition. The only neck this guy might have had was covered in the back by fat with no where else to go but to spill upward, and a multitude of chins in the front. There is no way to tell where his head ends and his upper chests begins. It's just a large blob of mass and rolls spilling and overlapping other rolls. The rolls are virtually fighting with each other to reach the surface with each earth-shaking step. It's probably possible for him to sit in the sun for a day, tan, and then waddle around; switching and rippling from tan to white and back again as his bulk undulates.

His arms look like the front limbs of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. But instead of being the most ferocious and powerful dinosaur, he's an obese teenager that could possibly set the record for the youngest person to ever have a quintuple-bypass. They are incredibly short because they connect to his frame somewhere in the void of adipose tissue. Where his biceps would be is just a congregation of flab that shifts to allow movement, which prevents him from putting his arms too close to his body, so that he holds them in front of him. This plus the constant panting from the arduous trek out to the parking lot make Humpty look like a panting dog.

I spotted this Fat Bastard look-a-like from the rear, so the first thing I noticed was that his mesh backpack was stretched out completely flat against his back. He had it loosened as far as that poor thing would reach and the shoulder straps were still pulled to their furthest point without actually tearing the pack in two. It was almost as if his backpack and its contents (a jumble of papers and a "light snack") were being tightly drawn in all four directions like a torture rack. You could have catapulted his orange-like head into deep space with that strained bag. You could have twanged a beautiful note on that taut satchel. You could have walked right up to him and said, "You are quite a fat ass. I mean, come on, look at your poor backpack."

Expecting to see tree trunks, I was shocked to see tiny legs supporting the mammoth weight above them. The body rounded outwards to what were supposed to be hips, but without any definition of a waist, and then tapered all the way to his size nine sneakers (of course, perfectly suitable running shoes). This gave him an egg-like shape, hence the name Humpty Dumpty. He sort of trudged flat-footed and on the outside of his feet as his feet were compressed further towards the ground and as his knees and ankles gave way to the pressure.

The best way to describe his awkward movement was to say that he waddled. It was almost a slow swagger, but more of a swinging of the girth from one side to the other. It's all about momentum for this guy. Once he gets rolling, the best is to stay out of the bowling lane (pardon the horrible pun on "rolling"). He didn't ride the bus for fear of being lodged in the aisle between two unyielding seats, so he tilted and overflowed into the passenger side of a pickup truck (not the bed, yet another shock). The old truck's shocks could barely withstand the initial weight, but even then still sank to the level of a true G-ride. I got to thinking though. Maybe there are so good reasons why he is so incredibly huge.


1. Maybe the world's largest camera is always on him and it always adds 200 lbs.
2. Maybe he's really a wooly mammoth is disguise for school because he's worried that his classmates would make fun of his hairy back. Nah, that couldn't happen, mammoths are extinct.
3. Maybe he was supposed to be born as twins, but the split was never completed.

Fun Size

"Fun size" is probably the most misleading gimmick in the world today. It's almost false advertising. If it were fun size it would be a HUGE bag of candy, not these little things that only have one Skittle. That's not fun.

Fun is having so much chocolate in one sitting that you're sure you're going to rupture from eating so many M&M's. That's fun.

Fun size is having a candy so big you have to bite into it like an apple. That's real fun.

Fun size is eating some much candy at one time that you become allergic to it and get sick every time you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That's barrels of fun.

Fun size is candy that can't fit in the vending machines so it has to be specially shipped in huge crates and lowered with cranes. That, my friend, is fun.

You know you're getting jipped with these bags too because they're usually found in those tiny "Lunchables". Everything in that package is as small as it possibly can be. They should be called "NotEvenBigEnoughtobeaMidnightSnackables." No one, not even kindergartners, can just eat one of these for lunch, unless you're Olive Oil and are full when you swallow a pill.

What is with the statement on the side of the M&Ms "fun size" bag that reads, "M&M's Candies May Contain Peanuts"? They're not really sure? "We accidentally mixed up the two different kinds of M&M's. Sorry about that. The millennium bug got us."

Second Greatest Invention

There comes a time in your life when you have to take a step back from reality and analyze the things that make the world a better place; the inventions that revolutionize society and impact the world. It’s times like these in which you need to take a break from your chaotic lives, sit down, absorb it, and enjoy the help of the second greatest invention… the spork.

This handy tool combines two pieces of silverware into one useful utensil. You can scoop, stab, and even cut with it. They ought to call it the sporkife, because you can saw at your food too. This convenient kitchen aid should be also made into silver and not just the regular plastic utensils and be required in all kitchen sets. Silverware sets should all have the necessary basics: meat knifes, maybe one of those silly gravy boats, a ladle (say this really fast repetitively), and a set of sporks.

With the wider introduction of the spork, all kinds of things could change. They’ll make pitch-sporks for the farm hands, so that they can scoop and pick up the hay and crops easier. People will say, “Spork it over” when they want something. Setting the table will be made quick and easy for major events. Merman would carry golden sporks… if they existed. Most importantly people will be supplied with the second most important invention in history.

Holiday Characters

Parents lie to their kids for no reason at all around holidays. They try to teach moral and values, including no lying, but begin their relationship with you with a false character for the holidays. Doesn't this seem a little hypocritical to anyone else? "Now Timmy, you shouldn't lie to your mother. But there is an omniscient, jolly, fat man that flies around with a bunch of magical reindeer and slides down that skinny chimney and steals our cookies. Oh yeah, did I mention that mystical reindeer character named Rudolph that has a song written about him and his glowing schnozz?"

The Santa Clause "good or bad" list thing was supposed to scare you into being good all year so that you wouldn't get coal in your stocking. It didn't work for me. How many of you were actually thinking all year, "I'd better not do this, Santa's watching. He's got that stupid list and there's no way he's going to miss me because he checks the friggin' thing twice."

Easter bunny was just plain ridiculous. What was the point of telling the absurd lie that there is a huge bunny rabbit that lays decorated eggs and gives you candy on the day of the resurrection of Jesus?

The tooth fairy lie didn't really have a purpose either. To try to tell a child that someone flew in their window and stole their baby teeth was completely unnecessary. If anything that would scare a kid. They're already worried about things in the closet and under their bed, but now there are things flying in through the closed window and reaching under their pillow?

If you ask me, I find it strange that parents even conjure up these pretend people. They're letting some individual that doesn't even exist take credit for buying them presents and candy. It would make more sense to just tell them its you. Wouldn't they love you more knowing that you bought them that new, fully loaded machine gun with laser scope and night vision ability, instead of Santa?

But if the gift is crappy and they hate it, like a Furby doll that sings "It's a Small World," then they can blame it all on Santa.

Greatest Invention

The greatest thing ever made is and will always be the Kleenex box. This is ingenious engineering at work. You pull one tissue out of the box and the next one is already sticking out of the hole in the top, ready to be pulled. No one can comprehend how this fantastic feat is performed. The Kleenex tissue itself is being carefully made not to irritate the nose, but without the box, it’s nothing. You may think I’m crazy, a little out there, losing my marbles, not all there, flipping out, going loony tunes, or any other insane synonyms, but this cardboard item changed my life. This is by far the most important invention ever created.