Chronicles of Riddick-ulous

This movie can be summed up in one word: Riddick-ulous.

It’s just another high-budget, high-action, and highly-lacking summer movie pandering to teen boys taking notes on how to be bad. The movie itself seems to puff out its chest, as it pumps testosterone into a terrible plot and merely muscle-flexing characters. It tries way too hard to be macho and cool, with action sequences that start for no reason at all. It’s Starship Troopers meets Battlefield: Earth. Only with none of the redeeming qualities that S.T. provided and more of the “I could be doing so many other things right now” that B:E passed around. But let’s not forget the intergalactic politics stolen from Star Wars.

The eerie, chilling suspense is gone from the original movie (Pitch Black), and in its place is MORE ACTION. That’s what people want to see, non-stop action. Followed closely by action. And then, you guessed it, action. But even the ass kicking and blowing stuff up isn’t that good. It’s too busy being tedious and familiar to capture even the shortest of action spans only MTV could foster.
However, the plot that does exist is fragmented, splitting into three adventures (or chronicles, if I may be so bold), each with its own nonsensical plot. If you’ve never seen an action movie before, then you might think all of this is cool. But this one isn’t even in the same galaxy as anything memorable.

Riddick (played by Vin Diesel) reprises his role from Pitch Black, where he was an escape convict running from people and creatures that want to kill him. In this movie, he is an escape convict running from people and creatures that want to kill him…
I know. Originality at its finest. It’s pretty sad that the video game based on this movie has a better plot than the movie itself.
And for a starring role, Riddick doesn’t really say much. He only speaks up when it’s time for a typical action-star one liner, packaged perfectly for a trailer. At least with “Ah-nold” movies he had a funny accent. Though Vin did get to keep his muscle tee from Fast and the Furious to strut around in. But instead of driving a Honda Civic, it’s an interplanetary spaceship. But they both have a cool racing fin.

Then there’s the usual blue-eyed, sexy, fit babe (Alexa Davalos) who is there to ask stupid questions and wear tight clothing. But even here she kind of looks like a wrestler or one of those ESPN2 body builders. *Shudders*
Vaako, played by Thandie Newton (pronounced Tandy as in “Thandie Newton isn’t even that hot”), also appears sporadically so the movie doesn’t tip the scales with machismo.

Judi Dench is in it too. You may remember her as winning an Oscar for “Queen Elizabeth” in Shakespeare in Love. Or as “M” from the Bond movies. But in this she just floats around behind the scenes, too old to be mixing it up alongside Riddick. Did I mention she was a Dame in the British Empire? Why is she in this movie? Oh well, I guess we all make mistakes. I know I do. I watched this movie.

So, if you liked Pitch Black, do yourself a favor and watch that again. And if you didn’t like Pitch Black, then do yourself a favor and see Shrek 2. And if... nevermind, just don’t see this.