A Banana A Day Keeps Evolution Away

Eating bananas slows the evolution process, experts say.
The Associated Press

Scientists are currently testing the effects of bananas on a person’s ability to evolve correctly. Sources say that bananas may be the leading cause of the newly coined condition called “neverlution.”

The disease is described as the extreme reduction in one’s evolution. People who are affected by it evolve at a pace significantly slower than that of a normal human being. Doctors say there are no clear symptoms, so someone may not even realize that they are suffering from neverlution. “The best thing is to exercise precaution. If you do eat bananas, only eat them in moderation. Plantains may also be dangerous. It’s better safe than sorry later.”



Experts say that the evidence has been right in front of our eyes for years, with the obvious evolutionary lag among primates. “They’ve been eating bananas for centuries," one scientist said. "It was only a matter of time before we noticed the correlation between their eating habits and their lack of opposable thumbs.”
This news is also no surprise as bananas have been linked to polio and may be a cause for cancer. However its link to cancer only puts it in a category with everything else that ever existed, and some things that haven’t. (See also, “Xanthar may cause cancer.”)

The connection to neverlution seems more promising, though, as scientists rush to prove the theory within the year.

The new study includes testing the effects of bananas on laboratory rats. Scientists feed the rats ordinary bananas and monitor them closely for no physical change.
Early results show potential as the non-banana group is said to have grown “slightly closer” to a Master Splinter-like state.

Reluctantly, a scientist admitted later that the banana group also showed similar results, but were met with far less optimism and no head start in the maze.

Just think, when everyone else is developing super-human mutant powers, you (or your ancestors, rather) will still need corrective glasses and be unable to tear through brick walls like the Kool Aid man.

The theory, however, has not been tested on human subjects because it would be considered inhumane to subject someone to the potential consequences of eating more than one banana.

Humans are not the only group reeling from the news. The primate world was also rocked by the news that their banana bonanza has held them back. Seen here is one of those monkeys:


One scientist even dates the theory back to the dinosaurs, reigniting the controversy over their mysterious disappearance. Dr. Alan Grant says, “There may be evidence that bananas led to the extinction of the dinosaurs. You see, brontosaurs were herbivores, which means that they ate plants, including delicious bananas. Over time, the inclusion of bananas in their diet caused them to fall behind in their evolution, thus becoming more vulnerable to attack. Soon the brontosaurs were extinct. The loss of the species sent a rippling effect through the food chain. The other dinosaurs either died off from lack of prey or were forced to evolve. That is, if they hadn’t eaten any bananas. It's the only possible explanation.”

If this is true then it may be too late for some of our most beloved creatures. Curious George will remain forever curious. Koko the monkey won’t progress past “table” in sign language. But if he does, then maybe he can finally taste the sweet sweet world of pure, unadulterated freedom... and also, a banana.