Another War is Waged

Disney vs. Michael Moore: A Heavyweight Bout of Documentaries

In this corner we have Michael Moore, a chubby, liberal documentary filmmaker and winner of an Oscar for Bowling for Columbine. He weighs in at about a deuce and a half, because about a third of that is bullshit. But that's ok, because he "sticks it to the man," so you gotta give him credit for that. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of his work. You just gotta take it with a grain of salt. Or a spoonful of sugar... Mary Poppins would be proud.

But she wouldn't be supercalifragilisticexpialidociously-proud of Disney, the company that brought her to the silver screen in 1964, the other corner of this proverbial ring. But those were happier times, when Michael Eisner wasn't sabotaging the company with nuggets like "Hey, I think we should get rid of Pixar." You know Pixar, the ones that created Toy Story 1 and 2, Monster's Inc., and Finding Nemo.
And just so I'm not alone on this, here's a quote from this link:

"Michael Eisner's Disney has been a case study in poor corporate governance."

Disney, also a heavyweight in the movie industry, is remembered for their timeless tales of fantasy and sing-a-longs. That is, before they decided to NEVER MAKE A HAND-DRAWN ANIMATION MOVIE EVER AGAIN. Pencils down everyone, your time is up.

But the real test for Disney was about to begin. It faces off against Michael Moore, the corporate crime-stopper.

Ding ding.

Round 1:
Michael Moore's movie is blocked from distribution by Disney
Disney comes out swinging, knocking an astonishing sucker punch to an otherwise unready Moore. This fight could be interesting, folks.
But what's this? Moore responds to the blow, saying Disney only did this to secure "tax breaks in the state of Florida" and other political reasons. Whoa, thems fightin' words.
Disney counters with "It has nothing to do with taking sides, we just don't want to be political."
This has all the makings of history, folks. Someone's ear could get bitten, I can feel it.

Round 2:
The Weinstein brothers buy Michael Moore's film
Moore isn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. The Weinstein brothers (they head up Miramax, a Disney-owned company) buy the movie and make plans to distribute it themselves. (Eventually he ends up with 3 distributors, but let's not get bogged down with details)
Eisner fusses and Disney dances around him, shaking it off. They gotta be seeing stars after that one though.
BAM!
Michael Moore's film wins the prestigious Palme d'Or, the top honors at the Cannes Film Festival in France. That is OUTSTANDING feat, folks, and Disney is really reeling. It's gonna take a lot to recover from that one. Disney is really hurting as this round ends.

Round 3:
Disney has a trick or two up its sleeve, however, as it shows signs of life.
Barely a month after pulling support of Fahrenheit 9/11, Disney decides to back a different film. MoveAmericaForward.org, a conservative site created and dedicated to stopping F911 from being released, has made a movie called "America's Heart and Soul." And guess who's got their back? Disney. They make such a good tag team.
This, of course, coming from a company that doesn't want to be political. Even Pinocchio must be looking at its creator and thinking, "Wow, that is total crap."
Michael Moore attempts to float like a butterfly, but ends up just being fat.

Round 4:
Fahrenheit 9/11 breaks box office records.
Ouch, that has to hurt. Disney is definitely down. They are showing no signs of getting up, people. Knockout!
Someone call Doc (one of the seven dwarves) cause this fight is over.

Winner? Not Disney.

Speaking of Spiderman...

Spider-man India was just released. Here's a picture of the superhero:


Read about it here:
http://www.gothamcomics.com/spiderman_india/

Quote from the above press release:

"Readers of this series will not see the familiar Peter Parker of Queens under the classic Spider-Man mask, but rather a new hero – a young, Indian boy named Pavitr Prabhakar. As Spider-Man, Pavitr leaps around rickshaws and scooters in Indian streets, while swinging from monuments such as the Gateway of India and the Taj Mahal."

No word on whether or not there will be a Spiderman-India movie.

Leaked Spiderman 2 Scene

Exclusive Spiderman 2 scene, only found on "Miscellaneous Thoughts."

The Passion of the Jeff

Since I don't have much to do this summer, I'm going to try to update this site a whole lot more. I'm working my tail off here to provide witty and recent content. In return for my arduous labor you could tag a tiny little comment onto the bottom of each post, if you happen to read it. I know, it's got comments now! Craaaazy.
Thanks to the one person who has posted a comment, besides my own self-deprecating frustrations with the image hosting...
What are cousins for, if not to drop a comment on each other's blogs...

Any way, now there are comments. So after you're done wasting your time slogging through the blog, you can waste a little more to write, "Hey buddy, you suck" or something a little more positive. And don't forget to sign it, so I know who's stalking me.

Chronicles of Riddick-ulous

This movie can be summed up in one word: Riddick-ulous.

It’s just another high-budget, high-action, and highly-lacking summer movie pandering to teen boys taking notes on how to be bad. The movie itself seems to puff out its chest, as it pumps testosterone into a terrible plot and merely muscle-flexing characters. It tries way too hard to be macho and cool, with action sequences that start for no reason at all. It’s Starship Troopers meets Battlefield: Earth. Only with none of the redeeming qualities that S.T. provided and more of the “I could be doing so many other things right now” that B:E passed around. But let’s not forget the intergalactic politics stolen from Star Wars.

The eerie, chilling suspense is gone from the original movie (Pitch Black), and in its place is MORE ACTION. That’s what people want to see, non-stop action. Followed closely by action. And then, you guessed it, action. But even the ass kicking and blowing stuff up isn’t that good. It’s too busy being tedious and familiar to capture even the shortest of action spans only MTV could foster.
However, the plot that does exist is fragmented, splitting into three adventures (or chronicles, if I may be so bold), each with its own nonsensical plot. If you’ve never seen an action movie before, then you might think all of this is cool. But this one isn’t even in the same galaxy as anything memorable.

Riddick (played by Vin Diesel) reprises his role from Pitch Black, where he was an escape convict running from people and creatures that want to kill him. In this movie, he is an escape convict running from people and creatures that want to kill him…
I know. Originality at its finest. It’s pretty sad that the video game based on this movie has a better plot than the movie itself.
And for a starring role, Riddick doesn’t really say much. He only speaks up when it’s time for a typical action-star one liner, packaged perfectly for a trailer. At least with “Ah-nold” movies he had a funny accent. Though Vin did get to keep his muscle tee from Fast and the Furious to strut around in. But instead of driving a Honda Civic, it’s an interplanetary spaceship. But they both have a cool racing fin.

Then there’s the usual blue-eyed, sexy, fit babe (Alexa Davalos) who is there to ask stupid questions and wear tight clothing. But even here she kind of looks like a wrestler or one of those ESPN2 body builders. *Shudders*
Vaako, played by Thandie Newton (pronounced Tandy as in “Thandie Newton isn’t even that hot”), also appears sporadically so the movie doesn’t tip the scales with machismo.

Judi Dench is in it too. You may remember her as winning an Oscar for “Queen Elizabeth” in Shakespeare in Love. Or as “M” from the Bond movies. But in this she just floats around behind the scenes, too old to be mixing it up alongside Riddick. Did I mention she was a Dame in the British Empire? Why is she in this movie? Oh well, I guess we all make mistakes. I know I do. I watched this movie.

So, if you liked Pitch Black, do yourself a favor and watch that again. And if you didn’t like Pitch Black, then do yourself a favor and see Shrek 2. And if... nevermind, just don’t see this.

A Banana A Day Keeps Evolution Away

Eating bananas slows the evolution process, experts say.
The Associated Press

Scientists are currently testing the effects of bananas on a person’s ability to evolve correctly. Sources say that bananas may be the leading cause of the newly coined condition called “neverlution.”

The disease is described as the extreme reduction in one’s evolution. People who are affected by it evolve at a pace significantly slower than that of a normal human being. Doctors say there are no clear symptoms, so someone may not even realize that they are suffering from neverlution. “The best thing is to exercise precaution. If you do eat bananas, only eat them in moderation. Plantains may also be dangerous. It’s better safe than sorry later.”



Experts say that the evidence has been right in front of our eyes for years, with the obvious evolutionary lag among primates. “They’ve been eating bananas for centuries," one scientist said. "It was only a matter of time before we noticed the correlation between their eating habits and their lack of opposable thumbs.”
This news is also no surprise as bananas have been linked to polio and may be a cause for cancer. However its link to cancer only puts it in a category with everything else that ever existed, and some things that haven’t. (See also, “Xanthar may cause cancer.”)

The connection to neverlution seems more promising, though, as scientists rush to prove the theory within the year.

The new study includes testing the effects of bananas on laboratory rats. Scientists feed the rats ordinary bananas and monitor them closely for no physical change.
Early results show potential as the non-banana group is said to have grown “slightly closer” to a Master Splinter-like state.

Reluctantly, a scientist admitted later that the banana group also showed similar results, but were met with far less optimism and no head start in the maze.

Just think, when everyone else is developing super-human mutant powers, you (or your ancestors, rather) will still need corrective glasses and be unable to tear through brick walls like the Kool Aid man.

The theory, however, has not been tested on human subjects because it would be considered inhumane to subject someone to the potential consequences of eating more than one banana.

Humans are not the only group reeling from the news. The primate world was also rocked by the news that their banana bonanza has held them back. Seen here is one of those monkeys:


One scientist even dates the theory back to the dinosaurs, reigniting the controversy over their mysterious disappearance. Dr. Alan Grant says, “There may be evidence that bananas led to the extinction of the dinosaurs. You see, brontosaurs were herbivores, which means that they ate plants, including delicious bananas. Over time, the inclusion of bananas in their diet caused them to fall behind in their evolution, thus becoming more vulnerable to attack. Soon the brontosaurs were extinct. The loss of the species sent a rippling effect through the food chain. The other dinosaurs either died off from lack of prey or were forced to evolve. That is, if they hadn’t eaten any bananas. It's the only possible explanation.”

If this is true then it may be too late for some of our most beloved creatures. Curious George will remain forever curious. Koko the monkey won’t progress past “table” in sign language. But if he does, then maybe he can finally taste the sweet sweet world of pure, unadulterated freedom... and also, a banana.