Curling

Are they kidding me with this "sport?" Its like somone combined bowling on ice with... sweeping. And then, to top it all off, they called it curling.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, this is the only event in the Olympics where you can be over 40 and still be a "tremendous athlete." Each team takes turns sliding a rock down the ice towards a target. Whoever is closest to the inside of the circle, gets a point. And that's pretty much it.

How did this become an Olympic event? The Olympics originally started out as a series of games that determined the strongest men. They were made up of manly sports like the javelin and wrestling.

Now we have an event called curling where grown men sweep ice in a line and try not to fall on their ass. That's the real challenge. Not falling down while walking on the ice. "Everyone quiet, they need concentration for this." Seriously, this is like a Sunday chore gone too far. Grown men sweeping. They're literally playing the role of zamboni.

The Canadians are the favorites this year. Apparently they have the strategy to win it all this year in the curling event and a team comprised of hockey rejects. Nothing would be more satisfying than to stand on that podium with the gold medal around your neck, listening to the anthem play, thinking, "I am the best sweeper of ice in the whole world."

Fry Guys

McDonalds has a lot of characters, including Grimace the taste bud (yup, he's a taste bud), but none have it bad quite like the fry guys.
They don't get the credit they deserve. They're always hiding behind Ronald and his big red afro. Or the Hamburgaler and his strange fixation on Big Macs.

But the problem is this:

Fry guys, of course, are made entirely out of fries. And when you eat them, you are in fact committing genocide. That's right. Genocide: the killing off of a race. You think you're just eating fries, but you're actually eating the friends, family members, and kinsmen of the beloved fry guys.

You think its fine. You're super sizing it just so you can get more fries and shove them into your gaping, hungry mouth. Salt 'em up real nice and devour them one by one. Those guys were put into baskets and dunked into frying liquid to sizzle and pop, just so you could get something else in your extra value meal.

"America's favorite fries." How many have to die, America? How many?

Knighthood

On January 28th, the great producer/director Steven Spielberg was knighted in England. This honor is usually reserved for people that are actually British, but since he's just so darn cool he got knighted. He won't be called "Sir," but will have the option of adding KBE to the end of his name, which stands for Knight of the British Empire.
Spielberg joins the ranks of knighthood with legends Alfred Hitchcock, Paul McCartney, and Elton John. Though I'm pretty sure they don't make yellow and pink polka-dotted armor, I just can't see the Rocket Man riding into battle on a noble steed wielding a mighty sword, protecting over the British Empire. He's not exactly Sir Lancelot. Besides, protecting over the British is left up to the Americans.

And speaking of Americans saving the British, other knights of the round table include former Presidents George Bush and Ronald Reagan. I don't know about you, but I think its kind of weird that the British are trying to recruit our former Commanders in Chief. They're not mercenaries, they're former leaders of the United States. You can't have 'em Queenie. Ok... well... maybe just Reagan. But you gotta trade us Hugh Grant.

Ian Holm and Ian McKellen, two of the actors from the Lord of the Rings, were also knighted recently. I guess the Brits were thinking, "You know who would be a good addition to the brotherhood of knightly guys? Gandalf the Wizard and Bilbo the Hobbit."

So basically, knighthood doesn't really mean anything. Sir or KBE is basically a pointless title... like Queen. They're running a regular medieval fantasy world over there in Britain. Knights don't really have any militaristic responsibility, just like we wouldn't ask the Boy Scouts of America to be our military. Though they don't let gays in their ranks either.

So, in conclusion, Steven Spielberg does not deserve to be knighted. Even I could take him, no problem. And if he's reading this (which I'm sure he is)... Hey, Spiels, me and you. Outside. By the swings. 3 o'clock. We'll see who's knight material.