Starbucks

A new Starbucks coffee opened recently in College Station. It was bound to happen. In fact, I’m surprised it took Starbucks so long to realize that this city does in fact exist and must be exploited to its full potential. They make a fortune off of what is "trendy." But, of course, everyone acted like it was the Second Coming. All kinds of crazy signs and then a ridiculous inflatable coffee cup beckoning to the drivers. Lines were and still are out the door. The place is packed with all kinds of people fighting for that caffeine fix. There’s absolutely nothing special about Starbucks. In fact, pretty soon there will be one right across the street exactly like it and eventually one right next door. It won’t be long now before Starbucks are opening inside of previously existing Starbucks.

And everyone’s sitting around, pretending to be intellectual, all sipping on their extra-large, double-dipped, double-whipped, mocha locha frappachinos. They’re all probably discussing something like poetry or politics. Because that’s what you do when you’re drinking coffee in a place like that, you discuss. You don’t rant and rave about sports or relationships. You do that over beers. But not with coffee, it’s a studying drink.

Maybe there’s some sort of sophistication in knowing the "code" to ordering coffee, because you can’t just say, "I want a cup of coffee. Black." You have to know the Starbucks lingo. There’s lattes, espressos, javas, caffes, blends, etc. Ranging from mild to smooth to bold. This must depend on what kind of fix you need. Though the bold is only for the hardcore coffee drinkers. Starbucks even describes this type as their "most intriguing and exotic coffees." That makes me want to drink it. Right now. That "ooohh, what’s in this?" concept sounds like a fantastic idea.

And on top of all that, Starbucks is discriminatory towards blind people. Seriously. Let me break it down for you.

A blind person goes into Starbucks. You know, they want some coffee. But no. They can't get to the counter because there are all sorts of useless crap, like CDs of Kenny G or a variety of mixers, shakers, stirrers, etc. And they keep tripping over idiots in French berets playing a mean game of chess. So they are completely blocked off from the counter. So what would they fall back on? Their sense of smell. But no, that's out of the question. Because all you can smell are ground up coffee beans with an aroma that induces migraines. So they're pretty much screwed. As a last resort they try to hear their way over to the counter, but the din is deafening, from the throng of Starbucks die hards to the people screaming "I'LL TAKE A MOCHA CHOCA LATTE FRAPPICHINO WITH A TWIST OF CINNAMON AND MOCHA LOCHA CHOCA CREAM! AND COULD YOU PUT THAT IN A BUCKET, TO GO! Thank you."

So to all of those people out there that frequent the new Starbucks. Just remember that you’re supporting discrimination.

Edgy Street

"Can You Tell Me How to Get... How to Get HIV?"

Sesame Street Workshop announced a few months ago at an AIDS conference that it was considering creating a new character that is HIV positive. The new Muppet would only appear on "Takalani Sesame" in South Africa where 1 in 9 people are infected with HIV. According to a source at the broadcasting corporation, the Muppet would be a "loveable, huggable creature." Though some quickly wonder if that's how it got infected in the first place. The source says that it will be done "appropriately" without mentioning sex or drugs, but will merely turn to the camera at random times and say, "HIV is bad." It is also said that it will not appear in every show, but just primarily those that focus on the letters ‘H’, ‘I’, ‘V’ and possibly ‘Q.’
The upbeat female Muppet is considered the first controversial character to be introduced on the children’s show. Though the original characters aren’t exactly normal. Rumors have been circulating for years on the possibly homosexuality of the infamous Bert and Ernie, who seem to be a little too friendly to a more mature audience. And no straight man would be that fascinated with pigeons. Oscar is said to be in and out of anger management classes for throwing garbage at the other Muppets. Snuffleupagus is seeking help for depression and elephantiasis. And most recently Elmo is facing sexual harassment charges when he allegedly asked another Muppet to tickle him.

Plans to introduce the character are causing in outcry in the United States. Politicians are quick to condemn the plot to spread awareness and are seeking assurance that the character will not appear in America. Six Republicans leading the House Commerce Committee threatened to block funding to the program if they deemed it inappropriate. "We look forward to working with you to ensure that only age and culturally appropriate programs air on PBS, which is a mainstay that millions of parents have come to rely upon over the past 35 years," the lawmakers wrote. They then went and slept with their secretaries, embezzled money, and took more bribes than they knew what to do with.

The announcement has people asking such questions as:
"How does a Muppet get HIV any way?"
"Does the Muppeteer have HIV?"
"What exactly is she participating in to get HIV?"
"Is she doing drugs? If so, who’s her dealer?"

The turmoil has escalated throughout and some people are even thinking, "If it has HIV, and it's a Muppet, maybe I have HIV." This is causing pandemonium nationwide as people scramble to guarantee that they themselves did not contract the virus from a Muppet or stuffed animal.

I asked a single mother what she thought about the HIV positive character and she had this to say. "I hope I’m not HIV positive. My daughter has a stuffed teddy bear, and I’m just worried about it giving her AIDs. I won’t even let her go by the puppet booth at the carnival," said Kim Sullivan of Cleveland, Ohio.

Not to be out done American television station PBS (Public Broadcasting System) announced its own new character to be introduced to the Streets. It is a Muppet that seems to be wearing a turban of some kind and appears randomly during segments to shout something in another language. PBS claims that it raises awareness of possible terrorist attacks. They are having problems though, because the Count refuses to work with the new creation, tentatively named ‘Insane-o.’ He is quoted as saying, "That guy has ruined my counting one... two... THREE many times. Ha Ha Ha."

Mmmm... Frivilous Lawsuits

Caesar Barber, a 56-year-old maintenance worker (janitor), filed a class action lawsuit against four fast food restaurants on July 24th. Included in the lawsuit are McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC, and Burger King. According to his lawyer, Samuel Hirsch, "Fast food chains failed to disclose the contents in terms of calories, fat grams and sodium. Even when posted, the information is not easily understandable to the public." He continues to say, "Now, you have to be a rocket scientist" to be able to read labels that he said were deliberately designed to be confusing. NASA refuses to comment.
Barber, who had a heart attack in 1996 and then again in 1999, is due for another one any time now. The three year span is almost up, pressuring his lawsuit as well as his arteries. The American Heart Association speculates that the next one just might be the wake up call that the real life Fat Albert could use. They are also taking bets on the exact date of the attack, so place them now.

"They said 100 percent beef. I thought that meant it was good for you," Barber told Newsday last week. The companies opened their mouths to refute that statement, but realized it really spoke for itself. Besides, now really isn’t the time to bring up what is REALLY in the burgers. Barber, of course, continued to open his mouth and place burgers in it.

Big Barber leads the wide-waisted people, waddling into the courts and filing the first major lawsuit against the fast food industry for nutritional reasons. Caesar the Chubby, whose everyday "suits" consist of a specially tailored blazer and sweat pants, said that this was a major step forward for the obese community. Of course, after that major step, they all took a much-needed breather and wiped the sweat from their collective brow. Apparently he was originally only going to sue McDonald’s, but was encouraged to "Super Size" the lawsuit and take on four companies at once.

I caught up with Subway spokesman Jared Fogle at the unveiling of his commemorative and he had this to say through a mouthful of turkey sub: "I lost weight, so can he." Before he could say any more tidbits of wisdoms, he was lifted (carefully and strenuously) by the crowd of followers and carried off, all the while singing a song about him. The statue was erected in a park in Washington D.C. and is a depiction of Jared holding his oversized pants up and smiling as he walks to Subway, followed closely at his heels by two chubby children holding sandwiches. Upon closer inspection, the subs are indeed sliced the old-fashioned wedge cut.

Thousands of overweight Americans flock to the site (some slower then others) to worship the mortal god that is Jared. A space has been left next to the current statue for a bronze sculpture of Caesar Barber to be erected, in the event that he wins the case against the Fast Food Four, right next to the depiction of the old woman spilling coffee in her lap. This will provide a haven for jumbos worldwide to revel in the glory that is obesity. And when they’re through having an after-meal snack underneath the immense shadow of those tubs that came before them, they can ride their moped directly across the street to the golden arches.

Is the Pope Catholic?

Pope John Paul II is out in full force now, on an 11-day international trip. Thousands flocked to Canada recently for World Youth Day, which actually lasted around 168 hours. "Why don't they call it World Youth Week?" you ask. Don't question the pope, sinner.
The pope, rattled literally more and more by Parkinson's daily, felt the need to slowly emerge from the Vatican to support Catholicism in the wake of a molestation scandal that shocked even Michael Jackson.

On the 24th in Toronto, The 82-year-old stepped lively from his plane, thinking "Baby steps, baby steps" in 4 different languages. A wind gust quickly blew off his skull cap, luckily not blowing the holy man completely over. He was lucky he wasn't wearing his gigantic pointed hat of holiness and that there were hand rails, otherwise the results could have been disastrous. His Boss was probably having a little chuckle to himself for pulling that one.

Support was surprisingly lacking at World Youth "Day" though with the youth of the world hesitant to be so near the wandering hands of the clergy. Approximately 200,000 were on hand to welcome him and follow his popemobile through the city, the smallest turnout since it was created in the mid 1980s.

Now, for those of you that aren't aware of what the popemobile is, it's a vehicle specially designed for the holiest of old people that protects him from anything evil. I did a little research and found out that the bulletproof buggy is a two-ton, six-cylinder, 24-valve engine, automatic transmission tank of pure, unadulterated holiness. It is said to have set the Vatican back a mere $1.5 million, which was quickly paid for with a collection plate pass through the throng of welcomers. The pope was allowed a sun roof in the top of his car to provide enough room for his hat. According to one of the teenagers, the clean riffs of Metallica could be heard blaring from the phat system installed in the popemobile.

Surrounding the pope on his drive down the street was his own personal security team. Much like the Secret Service, only wearing crosses. Which also helps in case one of the anti-Catholics is pulling double duty as a vampire. Mostly the Super-Holy Vatican Guards of Divine Powers just walked next to the special car and made sure that no wild and crazy Catholics got out of hand. Everyone knows how silly they can get. Anyone tries to heal themselves by touching the vehicle gets a swift crack on the head from a golden cross. Though no one thought to ask them what would happen if one of the guards had to kill someone. Makes you think, doesn't it?

The pope then took a day off on Wednesday from all the waving and smiling to take a lake cruise. He was said to have been blessing people in paddleboats who approached the craft, but turning away those that walked on water out to him.

Unfortunately this trip comes during a time when Catholics worldwide worry about the failing health of the pope. He has to be helped by aides to stand or walk short distances and his speech is slurred. A concerned reporter asked him about his health and the possibility of an afterlife. The pope refused to comment on where he was headed. Rumor has it that he hasn't been able to fit confession into his busy schedule.

John Paul Jr. did, however, comment on the priest scandals, in which 300 priests have been removed from duty due to sexual abuse allegations. He was quoted as mumbling that the sexual abuse filled "us all with a deep sense of sadness and shame." He then ordered those 300 priests to say four Hail Marys and pray extra hard.

After his brief stay in Guatemala, the pope will then travel to Mexico for the canonization of Juan Diego, the first Indian saint, who is known for his vision of the Virgin Mary in 1531. He is the first recorded person to have seen a biblical figure in his morning cereal.

The pope will then travel back to his home in the Vatican City, where he will catch up on reruns of The Sopranos on Tivo.

Goldfish Crackers

Who are these people at Pepperidge Farm © ? They've added eyes and a smile to the Goldfish ® crackers we all grew up with as kids. The once expressionless crackers that we used to grab by the handful are now grinning happily. He's smiling while I pop him in my mouth with five of his closest cracker friends.
I still haven't gotten over the trauma of eating a whole bag of gummi bears, now I have to have goldfish chuckling at me? As if it wasn't enough that fruit snacks are shaped like zoo animals and Teddy Grahams have faces and belly buttons? Now they got the Goldfish ® mobile touring the nation in the Miles of Smiles Tour teaching kids it's ok to eat things that smile.

They even have Mr. Goldfish ® on the box wearing sunglasses. It's like he's saying, "It's cool, come eat me." And then he gives you that coy little smile. Well, not this time, pal. You can find someone else to crunch down on your delicious crackery outside and devour you one by one, tasty smiles and all.


Ok... maybe just one.

Crazy Out-Dated Monuments

Don't you think its time we fixed the Liberty Bell? Seriously. Why haven't we fixed it? It's had a crack in it for about 200 years, but yet it is still broken. We wouldn't let the San Francisco Bridge or the Hoover Dam get a crack in it, why this monument? I mean, how hard can it be to fix a giant bell? If the Statue of Liberty's arm fell off, we would try to reattach it for her. Or if someone ripped the Constitution, we would try to Scotch tape it back on.
This is a symbol of freedom in America, yet it's flawed. No one ever thinks about that? They just parade past it and say, "Look. It's a giant bell with a... crack in it."

At the museum where it is held, it is roped off in red velvet. I guess that is so no one goes and knocks it over. We wouldn't want anyone to ruin a perfectly good cracked bell that doesn't ring right anymore.

And what's the deal with out-dated Mount Rushmore...

Curling

Are they kidding me with this "sport?" Its like somone combined bowling on ice with... sweeping. And then, to top it all off, they called it curling.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, this is the only event in the Olympics where you can be over 40 and still be a "tremendous athlete." Each team takes turns sliding a rock down the ice towards a target. Whoever is closest to the inside of the circle, gets a point. And that's pretty much it.

How did this become an Olympic event? The Olympics originally started out as a series of games that determined the strongest men. They were made up of manly sports like the javelin and wrestling.

Now we have an event called curling where grown men sweep ice in a line and try not to fall on their ass. That's the real challenge. Not falling down while walking on the ice. "Everyone quiet, they need concentration for this." Seriously, this is like a Sunday chore gone too far. Grown men sweeping. They're literally playing the role of zamboni.

The Canadians are the favorites this year. Apparently they have the strategy to win it all this year in the curling event and a team comprised of hockey rejects. Nothing would be more satisfying than to stand on that podium with the gold medal around your neck, listening to the anthem play, thinking, "I am the best sweeper of ice in the whole world."

Fry Guys

McDonalds has a lot of characters, including Grimace the taste bud (yup, he's a taste bud), but none have it bad quite like the fry guys.
They don't get the credit they deserve. They're always hiding behind Ronald and his big red afro. Or the Hamburgaler and his strange fixation on Big Macs.

But the problem is this:

Fry guys, of course, are made entirely out of fries. And when you eat them, you are in fact committing genocide. That's right. Genocide: the killing off of a race. You think you're just eating fries, but you're actually eating the friends, family members, and kinsmen of the beloved fry guys.

You think its fine. You're super sizing it just so you can get more fries and shove them into your gaping, hungry mouth. Salt 'em up real nice and devour them one by one. Those guys were put into baskets and dunked into frying liquid to sizzle and pop, just so you could get something else in your extra value meal.

"America's favorite fries." How many have to die, America? How many?

Knighthood

On January 28th, the great producer/director Steven Spielberg was knighted in England. This honor is usually reserved for people that are actually British, but since he's just so darn cool he got knighted. He won't be called "Sir," but will have the option of adding KBE to the end of his name, which stands for Knight of the British Empire.
Spielberg joins the ranks of knighthood with legends Alfred Hitchcock, Paul McCartney, and Elton John. Though I'm pretty sure they don't make yellow and pink polka-dotted armor, I just can't see the Rocket Man riding into battle on a noble steed wielding a mighty sword, protecting over the British Empire. He's not exactly Sir Lancelot. Besides, protecting over the British is left up to the Americans.

And speaking of Americans saving the British, other knights of the round table include former Presidents George Bush and Ronald Reagan. I don't know about you, but I think its kind of weird that the British are trying to recruit our former Commanders in Chief. They're not mercenaries, they're former leaders of the United States. You can't have 'em Queenie. Ok... well... maybe just Reagan. But you gotta trade us Hugh Grant.

Ian Holm and Ian McKellen, two of the actors from the Lord of the Rings, were also knighted recently. I guess the Brits were thinking, "You know who would be a good addition to the brotherhood of knightly guys? Gandalf the Wizard and Bilbo the Hobbit."

So basically, knighthood doesn't really mean anything. Sir or KBE is basically a pointless title... like Queen. They're running a regular medieval fantasy world over there in Britain. Knights don't really have any militaristic responsibility, just like we wouldn't ask the Boy Scouts of America to be our military. Though they don't let gays in their ranks either.

So, in conclusion, Steven Spielberg does not deserve to be knighted. Even I could take him, no problem. And if he's reading this (which I'm sure he is)... Hey, Spiels, me and you. Outside. By the swings. 3 o'clock. We'll see who's knight material.