Ethnic Pride

There’s a weird thing is this country with ethnic pride. Most people seem to identify and relate to people based purely on their geographical background. Puerto Rican Day Parade. Black History Month. St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m German. I have nothing, nothing to be proud of. We started that one war... and then the second one… and the little mishap with the Jews. Plus I look ridiculous in lederhosen. The only thing Germans really get mentioned with anymore besides those two skirmishes is David Hasselhoff. And it’s true. Germans love him. That’s clearly the reason I watched Baywatch.

When the World Cup rolls around, I keep up with the progress of Germany, but I don’t actively root for them like I do for England, USA, and Trinidad and Tobago. And when that Olympic torch is lit, I'm careful to extend my indifference to all nations equally.

In fact, the only sport where I actively support a German is the World’s Strongest Man competition. Because there’s just nothing like seeing a giant minotaur named Franz drag a tank across the line to victory and let out a blitzkrieg of German gibberish.

The only words I know in German are pancake and donut, thanks to a friend of mine. And a few scattering words and phrases from the History Channel that would ruin any Hanukkah party.

Speaking of which, as far as I’m aware, I have no Jewish enemies. I’m a likeable guy, once you get to know me. And I’m willing to bet if Anne Frank knew me, she would like me too. She might even write a little passage about me in her diary.

It would start off pretty innocent, just a simple mention that she met me and thought I was cute. It happens. Then she would start to give in to my charm a little bit.

“Dear Diary,

I’ve been thinking about Jeff a lot lately. I don’t know what it is, because he’s kind of awkward and nerdy. And some of the stuff he says or writes is just plain wrong. But when we were playing hide and seek the other day, he showed me the best spot in the attic. He’s so sweet.”

What can I say, I’m likeable.
Well, maybe not after this…

Bone Thugs N Harmony

Warning: This Miscellaneous Thought will definitely offend you. I’m offended and I wrote it.

This past Sabbath there was a documentary on the Discovery channel called “The Lost Tomb of Jesus” associated with Academy Award Director James Cameron. James Cameron? What is he doing looking for Jesus? First, Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones was crusading for the Holy Grail. Then Tom Hanks and the DaVinci code were upsetting Christians with contradictions about the Bible. Now the "Titanic" guy is excavating Jesus bones? Can’t Hollywood Jews leave Jesus alone? Where is drunk Mel Gibson when you need him? And for Christ's (bones) sake, why James Cameron?

The documentary explained that archeologists had discovered the tomb of Jesus and his family. Yes, that Jesus. The one you’re thinking of, not the other one.

In the tomb, according to the TV special and reports, they found Jesus’s coffin and bones, as well as the remains of Mary Magdalene who is said to be his wife. One of the coffins even has “Judah, son of Jesus” written on it, which brings new meaning to the phrase ‘what would Jesus do?’” It’s ok Catholics, Jesus was having unprotected sex too.

The tombs inscriptions are written in Aramaic, but the tomb reads, “Yehuda bar Yeshua,” which roughly translates in English to “Judah son of Jesus.” All of these bones were reportedly dug up by a dog named Odysseus, which in English roughly translates to “Odie.”

As an atheist, the hardest part is interpreting the documentary. Parts of the documentary contradict itself, so sometimes I don’t know what to think. And the first and second halves of the episode seemed to paint the Jesus tomb in a different light. It’s hard to decide what to believe, especially since some of it could have been lost in translation all these years. There are even certain sects of atheism that believe in parts of the documentary, but not all of it. While the Purists believe the documentary is infallible. I’m so confused.

The problem most people are having is “how do you prove it’s Jesus?” Simple. DNA. Just like everything else. We’re in the process of identifying the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. Why not experimenting with Jesus bones? I’ve been told since Sunday school that we all hold a little piece of Jesus. I know I keep mine right here… in my heart. And you can’t see me, but I’m pointing to my heart. Where the Jesus DNA is.

And if they have Jesus DNA, what will keep them from cloning Jesus in the future? Maybe that will be the second coming everyone has been talking about. An army of Jesuses (Jesusi?) marching from the Vatican, turning water into wine and all that. And the Jesus clones will be pit against the robot army and there will be a battle of “biblical” proportions. The world will be forced to take sides as the Jesusi and the Robots clash in an apocalyptic war reminiscent of the movie "Terminator," which was directed by James Cameron. Oh, that’s how he’s connected…

OSHA

Today at work an OSHA sign almost fell on my head.

Robot Cars

Just think, in fifty years we won't even have to drive our own cars. Robots and machines will control vehicles and we'll just be the passengers. No more wrecks. No more crazy traffic. No more tickets. There won't even be a need for traffic cops.

There will still be police though. We have to have someone to quell the rising robot rebellion.