Snoring

It's about 1 a.m. and I'm in a hotel lobby. I'm straddling the border of Texas and New Mexico for a friend's wedding. A combination of my ongoing battle with insomnia and one of the groomsmen sonorous snoring has kept me up for about three hours. I'm sure there was a time change in there somewhere too.

His snoring is like a pig grunt that lasts for far too long. It just keeps going, returning after a few seconds of agonizaning silence while waiting for the next one. The incessant nose rattling seems to be rattling my brain.

I tried rolling him over, but that only prolongs the inevitable for a minute or two. I've tried covering my head with a pillow, but that only muffles the sound, and now instead of it resonating in the room it echoes in my skull. I even contemplated sleeping in the car, but when I went out to get my book I could see my breath and a layer of frost had gathered. I decided against it.

I pray for a horrific nightmare; because then I would at least be sleeping. I would take a dream about falling, drowning, and spiders all rolled into one over that torture chamber I was lying in.

As I lay there for hours, tossing and turning in the cacophony, here are some of the miscellaneous thoughts I had:


SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

I've decided that trying to sleep is futile, so I've given up and started to read in the lobby. The desk clerk is keeping a watchful eye on me to make sure I don't steal any potted plants along with the towels and soaps.


SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

I've had experience with losing sleep before. My brother has a problem with grinding his teeth while he sleeps. It's a constant clacking and gnashing sound. When he saw a doctor to correct it, the quack just gave him a mouthpiece to wear that made him look like a retarded football player. I don't see how that was going to solve anything, other than maybe keeping his molars from disappearing into a fine powder. That's like giving a person with seizures a padded helmet and saying, "Yeah, that'll do." Forget the reason WHY it might be happening, just prevent them from hurting themselves any more.

The term he used for it was bruxing. To me it didn't sound like a very good euphemism for grinding away one's teeth. It sounded like a synonym for beating someone over the head.

brux (brks) intr.v. to beat someone mercilessly with a blunt object

My brother blames our former orthodontist, Dr. Winkleman, with the horrible alignment of his teeth. To this day he hates him with a passion. Sometimes I'll bring Winkleman up in conversation, just to get a rise out of him.

He clenches his fists and says through his worn down, uneven teeth, "If I ever see that guy on the street..." I imagine he would receive the bruxing of a lifetime.


SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

I wondered what snoring sounds like in France. I mean, I know it would sound the same to my ears, but sometimes they have these crazy pronunciations for the most basic things.

Like a frog here in the good ole U.S. of A. says "Ribbit ribbit." But I've read somewhere that the French think it has a different sounding croak. It probably sounds a little more posh.

It was then that I realized that a frog is a derogatory name for a French person and I had stumbled into my own unintentional metaphor.


SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

It's about 3:40 and the other groomsman has started replying with snores of his own.

I've decided to occupy my time by amusing myself instead of plotting their demise. I started joining in the band, drumming to the beat of their rhythmic breathing. I tried balancing a pillow on my foot for as long as I could. I even said "Snore if you're gay" out loud a few times, then chuckling to myself a few seconds later.


SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

I wondered who would win in a fight between all the former presidents.
My best bet would be Abraham Lincoln. I read somewhere that he was an amateur boxer before the whole emancipation thing. Plus he probably had the reach with his size.

But a giant brawl of presidents while they were in office would be a different story.
All of them slightly past their prime, making a mark on their country before retiring. I don't know who would win in this situation.
I would have to put my money on President Garfield, because no one would expect it.


SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

I finally dozed off around 5 a.m. (new time), my body surrendering to fatigue and boredom. The snoring woke me up a few more times, but just to remind me that I couldn't enjoy a good sleep.