Bad summer movies? King Arthur reigns

King Arthur is another terrible Disney “epic” that doesn’t do the true Arthurian legend justice.

I have to give them credit, they got the names right. And a sword got pulled out of a stone somewhere in there. But that’s about it.
Merlin isn’t a bearded wizard with magical powers. In fact, there’s no magic anywhere. Literally and figuratively.
Instead, Disney traded in the magic and myth of the legend, for facts and truth discovered by historians. Come on, who wants to see that?
It’s very unlike Disney, who is accustomed to taking stories and putting an extra spin of fairy tale onto everything, including the mystical, wonderful legend of Pearl Harbor. Maybe they just have a knack for screwing it all up.
But don’t forget all the anachronisms, those were great too.

The movie is just a watered-down Braveheart, though it must be a sin to compare the two. It rips it off right down the battle sequences, complete with a final rallying battle speech atop a pacing horse. Even the blue battle paint is stolen. I kept on waiting for Arthur to yell “FREEEEEEDOM.” Or Lancelot. Or Guinevere. Someone, anyone, scream “freedom,” already.

Ok, so any way, King Arthur is played by a boorish guy no one’s ever heard of (Clive Owen), who fights a few battles. He’s never actually king really, just a leader of a bunch of Pagan characters that ride horses back and forth across the screen.
Even the knights of the round table are watered down, reducing them to a band of squabbling musketeers, not noble, courageous warriors. The knights have wives and children. They aren’t off questing for the Grail or dueling with dragons.

As for the sword in the stone. Yeah, it’s pulled out. But not like the story is usually told, with the beam of light shining ominously and the sudden sounds of singing when it’s extracted. Not like in the Disney animated version, the Sword in the Stone. Which is it, Disney? Huh? Huh?

Guinevere (Keira Knightley) isn’t exactly a lady queen, dressed in flowing white gowns and gold crowns. Instead she’s an axe-wielding warrior with a leather strap across her breasts. She’s a barbarian archer who fights alongside her men in a tooth and nail death rumble. Guinevere barely even speaks to Arthur, much less falls in love with him and then, you know, cheats on him with Lancelot. Apparently there have been some revisions.
Knightley did, however, snag the center of the movie poster, even though she’s easily a secondary character.

Ok, I don’t want to ramble on anymore about how terrible this movie is because I could go on for fortnights. The point is that the story isn’t at all the same, and then to top it all off they went and executed it poorly. I fell asleep immediately after. And awakened to write this on the eve of the morrow. And now I bid good day to you, sir. Or m’lady.