Catwoman

So there's this new Catwoman movie coming out this summer (July 23rd to be exact) starring Halle "I got naked so I got an Oscar" Berry.
Catwoman was transformed from a hot white woman in Batman Returns to a slutty black whore in Catwoman.

Here's a picture of what her Catwoman costume looks like:


Here's a picture of it if they made it a little less slutty:


Here's what it should look like:

Sensationalism in the Media

Sorry if this one isn't as funny as it is painfully true

I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage “If it bleeds it leads.” Which I’m sure we all can agree, is disturbing, yet slightly true. But only slightly. It leaves out other important sayings that news programs live and rely on. Such as “if it has a mug shot of a minority, it leads.” Or “if it falls down a well, it leads.” Or my ultimate favorite, “if it scares the hell out of people, it definitely leads.”

Here’s an all-too familiar scene that you may recognize:
The camera sweeps quickly up to a desk with the call letters emblazoned on the front. Graphics bombard you like flying shrapnel and trumpets blare the station jingle like they’re announcing royalty. A dynamic duo of the best teleprompter readers they could find sit upright behind the desk, waiting for their cue to deliver what someone else wrote. The two are a mix and match of minority, age, and gender. Usually complete opposites on each spectrum, but somehow equally smug. Things get rolling and the false sense of urgency carries throughout each story that barely effects you. Until the anchors make inside jokes to each other and shuffle their papers as the camera pulls back on the studio set.
It happens on every station.

News is supposed to be reported on using the following values: Significance, proximity, timeliness, human interest and unusual nature. But, it seems TV news focuses exclusively on the latter two at the expense of the rest.

Here’s an example:
“MARVIN ZINDLER, EYEWITNESS NEWS.”
In case you aren't from Houston, or haven't seen him, he is an anchor on the ABC affiliate in Houston. His glasses are as shady as his reporting. And every week he comes on the air and reports about "SLIME IN THE ICE MACHINE" at restuarants in the area. This sends out a wave of eye rolling around the city, including the news anchors sitting next to him. Now that's bad. Having a news anchor think you're a disgrace.
But you see what I mean by human interest and unusual nature.

Unfortunately the new over-arching fad in broadcast journalism is not uncovering corruption or questioning the government (like it was intended... see also: a history class). Its all about striking fear in the hearts and minds of gullible couch potatoes.
Here’s an inescapable equation the sums up the position of fear in the media. You can’t ignore it because its wrapped neatly into an obvious truism only an equal sign can provide. It’s just simple math really.

SCARING VIEWERS = GOOD

That's the formula.
You run stories about disasters and tragedy, but more importantly the dangerous causes. Then you run a story a few days later about how to cope with the imminent danger. It’s brilliant! What results is a dependency that perpetuates itself until the next major economic or ecological scare.
For example: “Aliens could invade at any minute! Tune in tomorrow to find out what to do if an alien invades your home.” Then they run a story the next day about tin foil hats.
It's like a Halloween haunted house. If you’re smart enough, you’ll realize there’s nothing to be scared of and waltz right through it, being startled slightly by silly scare tactics, but ultimately just acknowledging them and moving on. You just have to take the news with a grain of salt. They’re probably going to be overdramatic and try to convince you that terrorists could kill you while you sleep in Idaho, but its not true. Nobody lives in Idaho.

But the worst of all in Houston, and possibly the champion of all that is sensational news in the United Media Conglomerates of America is your friend and mine, KPRC. You might recognize them as “News 2 Houston.” If you want to laugh your way through a story about a brutal murder, this is the place to go. I know, it's tragic that it happens every single day and you didn’t know the gang member, but what I’m referring to is the coverage.
The words “LIVE ON THE SCENE” has become the battle cry of news programs, KPRC especially. You don’t believe me, watch it. The first story is referred to by News 2 Houston as “THE BIG STORY,” with flying graphics that take a minute or two to circle themselves and form a sentence.

My brother recently called me just to tell me about a reporter filling a suburban with gas to show that prices are high.
Boy would I have loved to be in that meeting when that was decided.
"Ok, we need to do a story about how gas prices are up, since no one has noticed."
"Ok, but how?"
"Here's what we do, we fill up a car with gas... ON TV!"
"Brilliant! How about my Dodge Neon?"
"No. No, too small... I got it! How about my suburban!"
"I smell Peabody award!"

I’ll break it down using my journalism knowledge (that A&M allowed me to acquire before they completely erased the major from existence):
They start off with a lead. “Blah blah blah was killed today when he shot himself in the testicles and bled to death from wounds suffered from his illegal bazooka.” Yeah, that’s ridiculous, but not far off.
Then it's followed closely (always) by “It happened …” and then the location where the news story originated.
And then it's time to kick it out to the reporter LIVE AT THE SCENE.

Now pay attention, because this is important.
Broadcast news is all about visuals. If people wanted text, they’d read the newspaper. So you gotta show them something visual, whether it be a live video feed, taped footage, or an ambiguous minority mug shot pulled from the Big Book of Ambiguous Minority Mug Shots. They keep that right above the book on media ethics, which is currently being used under a table leg to keep it from wobbling.

So the anchors kick it out to the wanna-be anchors live at the scene. And they’re ready with their microphone with the little box around it. But because of the crime scene, the police pushed everyone out past the yellow tape. But then there’s too many people standing around, so you can’t get a clear shot. But there’s bushes or cars or other obstacles for the camera man. But then there’s a highway there, so you have to stand on the other side of it. So now you have a reporter standing on the other side of the highway, with cars whizzing by at 70 mph, gesturing vaguely, like someone trying to point out a constellation. “You see those people standing over there. I think that’s where it happened.” Way to go, champ. You’ll be promoted in no time.
“Yeah yeah, that’s definitely it. See my informant over there? Get a good shot of him. Hang on, he’s trying to hide his face, that crazy guy. Here, let me wave. Al! Al Johnson! Hey! Al Johnson from 234 Peach Street with the side window that won’t latch correctly! Over here! Ah, oh well, he left. Here’s a picture of him. Can we get a shot of that?”
Any way, so that’s a gross over exaggeration, but you get my point.
The news is sensationalized. I kid around about the news and single out one horrible station, but it happens on all of them. Some to a lesser degree, but they still do it. It's awful, yet I'm helpless. Because how would I fight back against the media? Write about it? But then I essentially become one of them... Damnit.

(Also, see below the “shocking” break down of Channel 2 reporters)

Breakdown of Reporters at Channel 2

First let me start out with one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my entire life and makes me giggle every time I think about it. And this is not from a comedy skit or fake news show like Jon Stewart. This is an actual member of the News 2 Houston staff, a station that attemps to be serious.
Without further ado. Ladies and gentleman...

RADAR, THE CHANNEL 2 WEATHER DOG.
I could write an entire segment on how hilarious this dog is.
They have a dog… giving the weather. Frank comes out, he points at the green screen for a while, and then they consult… a dog. F-ing brilliant.
A hurricane comes curving its way towards us in the Gulf Coast. What does Radar, the Channel 2 Weather Dog, think? Ruff. (Which translates to “rain.”) Thank you, Radar. You’ve been more than enough help in outdoing Frank, but more so in establishing the professionalism at KPRC. Sit. Stay. Good Channel 2 Weather Dog.

Dominique Sachse
What Jessica Rabbit would look like if she ditched the ears and donned a red blazer instead.

Bill Balleza
What ethnicity are you, Bill? Really. I’d like to know.

Linda Lorelle
Linda is known for her stories on breast cancer, touching the lives of ten, maybe twenty people. She won Emmy’s for her stories about it. Thank you for bringing breast cancer to our attention. Bravo. Bravo, Linda. Here’s one of those naked statues.

Kym Alvarado
So unimportant, they didn’t include a picture of her on the website. But they had a picture of Radar, the Channel 2 weather dog. Nice work. Way to earn some respect over there.

Just to recap, Kym Alvarado… no picture. Radar, the channel 2 weather dog... picture... beloved pet.

Khambrel Marshall
He’s cool. We’re tight. Shout out to my boy, Khambrel.

Chris Wragge
Pretty boy. Younger than I am. Makes videos of him shooting hoops and calls it news. Likes men.

Frank Billingsley
Nothing worse than being a weather man. Don’t fool yourself with fancy titles like meteorologist, because that’s like giving a nice-sounding technician label to the water boy. Is it going to rain? We don’t know. And neither do you. Doppler 2000 can’t save you. And neither can Radar… the Channel 2 Weather Dog.
(Addition: When I was checking the links to make sure it worked, I glanced at your picture again. And you’re a douche.)

So there it is, in all its glory. Channel 2's sensationalist squad. Go get 'em, Radar.