Monorail

I was just recently at the health center (I had scurvy) and on the wall they had displayed the plans for the new health center they want to build as part of the campus makeover. It looked kind of cool, with a little pond in the front and a nice modern design. But then my eyes wandered to the tiny model they had constructed. And apparently the plans call for a monorail. A MONORAIL!
Texas A&M needs a monorail like the Death Star needs a roller coaster.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I thought maybe I was delirious from the fever, but I asked the nearest pregnant girl if she saw it too and she confirmed my fears. So, according to the map, this monorail is supposed to take you from the new health center way out on west campus to… closer on west campus. Awesome. Totally worth it. Not ridiculous at all.

And if I’m not mistaken the monorail is going to take you past the giant golf ball and the teacup ride on the way to the business building. People will know what I’m talking about when they’re late to class because the monorail had to make a stop at the new “It’s a Small World” boat ride and the roads are blocked for the daily parade of fantasy characters from all your favorite traditions. The last thing I need on my way to class is a guy in an oversized Reveille costume frolicking around me or an Animatronic Gig ‘Em thumb punching out from the Academic building.

And I don’t know about you, but it seems like a huge waste of money. If you’re coming to a college because the buildings don’t look old and “Oooh, it has a monorail” then you might be choosing for the wrong reasons. I dunno, just maybe. And if I recall correctly, there was a department on campus that is being cut due to lack of funds. I think it rhymes with journalism. But what the hell, they got the math and English part of the “reading, writing, arithmetic” formula, and two out of three ain’t bad.

But I think the monorail is just a very complicated design with a much easier solution. It’s called walking. Are people so lazy that the very idea of walking to the nearest BUS STOP is out of the question? Seriously, exercise out to the health center might help you shake that cold or STD you’ve contracted. But I guess I’m not one to talk since I religiously take the last handicapped spot. Even if I see a Buick as old as I am creeping towards it at 7 miles an hour and an elderly fist shaking vigorously just above the dashboard. Shut it gramps, I’m late.

Besides, everyone knows that with a passenger train comes crazy homeless people. Let’s face it, it’s inevitable. They’ll migrate to it like yesterday’s bakery trash, pushing their shopping carts, sleeping under the Battalion, muttering things about the end of the world... I mean, look at the history. A growing town, like this one, gets a fancy passenger train and before long, in come the homeless, smelling funny and peeing in public. I’ve seen it a thousand times.

And I won’t sit idly by why a monorail takes over our city. We’ve already got one train snaking its way through the center of campus, and I think that’s enough. This isn’t Grand Central Station… just College. And I’d like to go to that college without having to dodge trains on my way to class. I just want to be able to park unhealthily close and get inside so I can get to work on my crossword. Is that too much to ask?

It’s comforting to know, however, that a monorail does not exactly get built overnight (not in this town, the construction takes FOREVER), so I will have graduated and moved on by then. But I’d like to reiterate “bad idea” a few more times.
Though if it were some sort of super-sonic monorail that went 150 mph and pulled like 8 g’s, now that would be something to see. Like a roller coaster. On the Death Star.

Marriage Ban

A county in Oregon has banned all marriages, gay and straight. See here:
http://famulus.msnbc.com/famulusgen/reuters03-23-182738.asp?t=renew&vts=32320041850

All around the nation, couples are rushing to get married in protest of the ban on all marriages. Las Vegas has reported a sudden flood of couples eloping, including recently married Britney Spears, which lasted two and a half minutes. Couples are flocking to get legal marriage licenses before other counties ban all marriages too.

“This is an outrage,” said one woman as she waited in line to get her marriage license, “The very idea of not allowing marriages ruins the sanctity of marriage.”
Her fiancé said, “Marriage is an institution between two people. This decision violates that very principle. And we’re getting married here to protest that decision. This’ll teach those Oregonians.”

A leader of a pro-marriage group said, “It is up to the people to speak out against anti-marriage legislation. It is against our civil rights as Americans. Write your Congressman. That always works.”

Vermont, however, refers to them as civil unions, so they will continue to issue civil union licenses despite the Oregon county’s bold move towards non-marriage.

In response, Oregon officials had this to say: “Vermont isn’t even a real state.”

It is uncertain what the Bush administration will do during this time of turmoil. Some say it is likely he will ban all marriages, following Oregon’s lead. Others say he will stutter something nonsensical.

Either way, the nation is polarized on the issue of marriage. To have them, or to have one giant orgy.