List-Eater

(I’m not making this up)
I’m a week from graduating from Texas A&M University. I walked to the MSC the other day to pick up my cap and gown, nostalgic tears welling up in my eyes. And through those imaginary tears I saw tents by Kyle Field, full of people waiting in line for tickets to the Cotton Bowl on January 1. It’s like a little makeshift campground by the ticket booth of hardcore fans jockeying for a seat at the big game.

What I didn’t know is that the next day a hungry beast would roll into that tent village and disrupt the settlement, not only with her earthquake-inducing steps, but with her insatiable gaping mouth.
A student, a senior here at A&M, ATE the roll-call list. She cut in front of the line, and when asked to move, she suddenly shoved the list into her mouth. According to onlookers, she acted as if completely on instinct, snatching the paper and cramming without remorse. The list-eater claims she “didn’t swallow,” so you may interpret that in your own form of hilarity.

When a collective “WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING” took hold of the now angry mob, the list-leviathan gurgled she didn’t have to wait because she was “right with God.”
Coach Franchione was there handing out donuts to the loyal fans. The donuts became ammunition as the list-eater was pelted with them in retaliation for being a fat bitch. No word on whether she ate those too.
She was, however, sold tickets to the game, despite them being sold out days before. No word on whether she ate those too.

According to KBTX, she’s now filing assault charges against one guy who grabbed her wrist and face during the incident. And she reported death threats to campus police. Students nearby were yelling “Beat the Hell Outta the List-Eater!”

Her name wasn’t released on the news, but it’s Janie Elaine Lagrone. Let me know if you want her cell phone number, I may or may not have it. I dunno, maybe I ate it.