Tools

Home Depot is not my friend. Talk about being out of my element. I belonged in there about as much as I belonged in a Victoria’s Secret. It was like I was friggin' city mouse in the country. Only this was the mother of all country stores.

I was definitely the nerdy computer guy in a hardware store. They could sense it when I came in, with their confused looks and their sideways glances. I just kept on strolling, trying not to push my glasses up my nose too much.

Rows and rows of tools, gizmos, and gadgets, about 1% of which I could name or ever use. My usual reaction to the word “tool” is to say, “Yeah, they’re pretty good. I like a few of their songs” or “Yeah, I don’t like frat guys either.”

I tried to act nonchalant, like I knew what the hell I was doing. I even tried watching other people to see what they were doing, like when I’m dancing. Then I would pick up random items and examine them with all sorts of spontaneous tests that didn’t make any sense. It's like when you pick a piece of fruit. I tried bending the tool with my bare hands or holding it eye level and looking down it for straightness. I flipped over the box and checked out the stats on it. “Oh, its voltage is 7.2 amps. That’s a good amount of that.” I even tried an endurance test consisting of me dropping it on the ground… which I told myself was a test and not me just being clumsy.

And tell me this. When did screwdrivers evolve from the standard and the Phillips head? I mean, now there’s a whole set of screw turners for every sort of head and slot. I’d feel like Dr. Seuss just trying to name some of them.

Plus there are fifty kinds of saws, all of which… cut. But you know which saw I didn’t see? One of those two person lumberjack saws that fell trees in a see-saw motion. None.

I even asked one of the hundreds of elderly guys in the orange vests and he still looked puzzled after I repeated the description. He leaned close enough so I could smell the smoke on him from last night’s Bingo Bash Tournament of the Month, and I said, “Forget it. I was just curious.” Though he pulled a quarter from behind my ear. Thanks Gramps.

I was eventually escorted out though because I told someone I thought Bob Villa looked like a homosexual lumberjack. It was ok though because I had had enough emasculating for one day and I got what I came for.

Stupid tools.

Boy Scouts

Ah, the Boy Scouts. Brings back memories, doesn’t it? Of camping and camp fires and summer camp and campers and John Cougar Mellencamp. Well, not if you were a girl. I mean… are a girl. Whatever. You had the bastardized version of Boy Scouts, cleverly named Girl Scouts, where you would sew or make tasty things. But if you’re a guy, you know what I’m talking about. And if you’re still a girl, you can just read along and laugh when appropriate.
Any way, boy scouts was a pretty strange time in my life that I have blocked out, for the most part. But its all resurfacing because I fell and hit my head on the toilet. And instead of coming up with a way to time travel, I pretty much just remember more things.

Here’s how I remember it, let me know if you disagree. Be prepared.


Well, before you’re a boy scout, you’re a cub scout. You have to be a baby bear before you can become a boy. Sort of like a messed up Pinocchio, I guess. But it didn’t stop there. You were a cub, a bear, a wolf… You’re this animal. Now you’re this one. You’re in a pack, a den, a troop… Wait, you’re a tiger, a bobcat, a webelo… Hold on a second. A webelo? What in the hell is a webelo? Oh, I didn’t realize it was an acronym. I guess I wasn’t paying attention when I was awarded the gold and blue pin star badge medal that goes on your front left shirt pocket next to your order of the sacred Indian super patch.

And then you get to be a boy scout. You earn all those badges. You learn all those knots. And when it’s all over… you’re an eagle. What? I thought… but… I was an animal earlier.. and then I was a boy… can I be a man yet? No? Eagle? OK. But you can’t be an eagle until you’ve done that service project. You come all that way and earned all those silly pins and patches, but you have this project. You can’t put it on your resume until you’ve convinced some poor, unsuspecting church to let you build a rickety fort in their playground where it can collapse on future eagle scouts.

And I’m sure that “Eagle Scout” really works on the resume. “Well, it looks like you really have no experience and your grade point average is almost non-existent. But what is this? Eagle scout eh? Welcome aboard. We need someone that can use Morse code or survive in the wilderness. That’s the kind of man we need on our team.”

Hiking, which was basically walking around for a while carrying all of your stuff. And then when you got tired, you stop and put it all down for a while, take a nap, eat a little, and then pick it all back up and walk some more. I always hated it, probably because I teeter totter along like the monster from Frankenstein, and carrying crap on my back doesn’t help. I always thought “Why don’t you carry your stuff around and come back in a day or two? I’ll be here. With my stuff. Not walking. I don’t need to carry it some place else and then come back, because it’s already here. And I’m comfortable.” And it was almost required to carry a pocket knife. “Ok, you got your sleeping bag, your flashlight, your ridiculous outfit… wait… where’s your pocket knife? What if you need to cut small branches or tweeze things?”

But you couldn’t just carry the knife around and cut things whenever you damn well pleased. You had to have a whittling chit. What in the hell is a whittling chit? Never heard the word chit anywhere else in my entire life except when it was used in scout knife safety. Boy scouts just MAKING UP WORDS.

You could saw some wood or fell a forest, but you couldn’t whittle without a little card that said you knew the proper whittling technique. “Whoa there, Timmy, what are you cutting? Wait a minute, that looks like whittling to me. Where’s your chit?”

And then there was this whole scare recently about gays being in the Boy Scouts. And everyone was all surprised. “What? You mean, a gay person in the wilderness, I didn’t think that was possible.” I don’t know, I just thought they should have seen it coming. I mean, look at them. You’ve got colored handkerchiefs tied around your neck, flowing sashes like a Miss America pageant, and short shorts. Oh yeah, and it’s all male.

It was bound to happen. Some fruitcake learning knots and he figures out the sheep shank and goes “Ooh, naughty.”

And look at the parallels to the military. All the saluting, the badges, the medals, and the summer camps… just on a larger scale. The Boy Scouts are basically building a small army of boys with tiny knives. And at the time the military had just gone through its own bout with homosexuality and political correctness, where they basically ending up saying, “Shhhhh.”

I say we have a boy scout and Catholic priest mixer. Everyone all together in one big room, just “dancing” the night away.

Letter to Kobe

Kobe Kobe Kobe. All I can do is shake my head in a shocked state of complete denial. But I think we all have to come to terms with what this whole fiasco means. Our little baby's all grown up.
From the point where you said, "Hey, where do the high school girls hang out around here?" until now, where it looks like it may cost you the Olympics, you've started to become a man right before our eyes. And it brings tears to them. Granted, they may be tears of laughter, but we won't get all technical. Go Mavericks.

And you've really handled it like a class act, like a real adult. My favorite was when you made an appearance at the Teen Choice Awards. Maybe if you had given one teen a choice...

Either way, welcome to the big leagues, Kobe. You may have been in the NBA since 1996, but now you're a true NBA player. Wow, your first real scandal. It's kinda of exciting in a scary, you-could-get-life-in-prison sort of way.

You have joined the ranks of all the other professional athletes now. But don't worry, it has happened to the best of them. Even the great Michael Jordan has had some problems. But they all eventually get out of it, because they're stars and that's what they do. I mean, look at O.J.

When I heard the news back in July, I immediately thought, "Say it ain't so, Kobe! Say it ain't so!" And you did on July 12, 2003, when you said "I would never do something like that." I then wiped my brow and thought "Whew, I'm glad that's all cleared up." It's crazy to think that a 24-year-old basketball super star with millions of dollars and an equal number of female fans would do such a thing. But let's examine the facts:

Kobe Bryant, 24, great athlete. Likes women.

A 19-year-old girl, described by her friends as "fun-loving, outgoing and emotional." Doesn't like to be sexually assaulted.

Sounds to me like we have a real case on our hands.

ESPN reports that you, who lead the team in points, assists, and steals, plan to play basketball ON the court when you're not IN court. And I applaud this. What better way to take out aggression and humiliation from the press than to play around in the spotlight some more, backed by the newest Dream Team of bought players.

A fan of the team, paid sizably by the Lakers to remain a supporter, said, "He was just trying to bring the funk. He just got a little carried away." Whatever it was that you were doing, or not doing, it is sure to impact absolutely nothing as far as NBA viewers, who are now immune to the player's antics.

And we can only hope that in a few years we'll all be talking around the water cooler about the new LeBron James scandal. I'm taking bets. Murder or rape gets odds.

Rouge Lemonade Stand Shut Down

A six-year-old girl named Abagail Shaw learned that it’s not easy being an entrepreneur on Wednesday, June 18, in Naples, Florida. Her lemonade stand was shut down due to a lack of permit required for temporary businesses. A complaint was filed by a nearby neighbor, causing the cops to follow procedure and follow up on it.
The police officers arrived on the scene to find that the complaint was true and a rogue lemonade stand was illegally exchanging quarters for Dixie Cups filled with “lemonade.” The liquid was confiscated and taken to the lab for testing, where it was confirmed that it was made from real lemons.

The cops, upon learning that she was operating without a permit, wasted no time in throwing Abagail to the ground and placing handcuffs around her wrists. The handcuffs were said to have slipped off, resulting in her being hog tied and tossed in the squad car. When later interviewed about the arrest, the officer explained, “I felt the force was necessary because of her insubordination and obvious attempt to escape.”

An onlooker in a wife-beater described the incident as like nothing he had seen before. But he added, “The lemonade was overpriced and wasn’t very good.”

The department chief said, “We’ve had a lot of problems with the children in this area. We’ve arrested dozens for playing pretend army games, illegal games of ‘house,’ and mostly recently this criminal lemonade ring. This total disregard for the law is unacceptable.”

Abagail Shaw was charged with operating a stand without a permit, running a monopoly on that particular street, and bribing a police officer with a free cup of lemonade.

The girl was returned to her stand after the city “played Mr. Niceguy.” A permit was issued, allowing her to resume business as usual. All other fake charges that I made up were also dropped.

She is said to have since tripled business because of the publicity. This allows her to pay the cops for protection under her tiny plastic table.

Actor/Actor

I think the hardest job has got to be being an actor... that plays another actor.
Not only do you have to act like your character, but you have to act like your character acting like ANOTHER character. You’re all wrapped up in a web of multiple personas, trying not to slip into schizophrenia. It’s like walking a tight rope, only harder.
Some would say a brain surgeon or a teacher. But they have schools for that. They don’t have schools on how to be an actor/actor. Sure, they have acting classes. But you can’t be taught this skill. You have to be born with the talent to act like you’re acting.

Few actors undertake such a daring feat because of the potential dangers involved. It has to be trying on the mind wrestling with the personalities. Nothing can be as tough as being THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE. Matt LeBlanc does it occasionally on the set of Friends and supposedly there is a rescue team standing by at all times. I really respect his bravery. Not even the Hollywood greats, like John Stamos or Tony Danza, would attempt such a ludicrous role.

It takes a lot of talent to be an actor/actor. So think about that next time you see an actor… acting like an actor. And think of his kids.

Garbage Men

I feel sorry for trash men. And not because they drive through the neighborhoods on the back of a giant smelling truck to pick up the filth and garbage of people along the way. But because they must have a hard time outside of work too.
Think about it. The guy comes home from work, sounding like an out-of-work super hero (the Trash Man), with his coveralls smeared with slop and grime, and his wife asks him how his day went. And he responds with, "Well, honey, it was a slow trash day. Some of the trash cans weren't out by the curb."

And then she wants to know if anything exciting happened.
So all he can say is, "Well, we ran over a rabbit with the truck."
His wife exclaims, "Oh no! What did you do?"
And he says, "We threw it away."
It's sad, really.

Long Term Hugging

Let’s just get one thing straight here, people. Snuggling, cuddling, and spooning are all completely different. I mean, they’re in the same ball park, here. But they’re basically sub categories of the whole type of move called “long term hugging.” Each one is special in its own way.
Now, this may be confusing at times. It may be strange. You may even say “What the hell is he rambling about?” But if at any time you feel these emotions, just close your eyes and the feeling should pass. Just forget everything you ever knew about anything, buddy.

First, my young apprentice, there’s cuddling. Now cuddling is defined clearly as “a hug that lasts all night.” You’re both facing the same way in this position. You’re equals. It’s basically like hugging, but… not standing up. You’re there with him or her (hey, I don’t judge people, I’m just educating) and you’re locked in a warm embrace. That, my friend, is cuddling. It’s just comfortable. And most importantly, it’s harmless.

All forms of “long term hugging” are, really. Sure, they’ll be the dissenters that try to lure you to the other side, saying “No, it’s not harmless. There’s something there.” It’s my duty to warn you of these naysayers. Bad people, these corrupted cuddlers are. It seems like they could all use a hug.

And then there was snuggling. Now this is just cuddling… evolved. One person is snuggled RIGHT UP INTO the other one. One’s just holding the other. All is well.

Which brings us to spooning. You ever see two spoons and how they fit together? That’s spooning. But with people. You’re both facing the same way. One arm… thrown right over the other person. Yeah, that’s nice.

And that’s it. You’ve been enlightened. Those are the basics. There could even be more types out there in the vast word of “long term hugging,” just waiting to be discovered.

So get to work. We’re all counting on you.

Starbucks

A new Starbucks coffee opened recently in College Station. It was bound to happen. In fact, I’m surprised it took Starbucks so long to realize that this city does in fact exist and must be exploited to its full potential. They make a fortune off of what is "trendy." But, of course, everyone acted like it was the Second Coming. All kinds of crazy signs and then a ridiculous inflatable coffee cup beckoning to the drivers. Lines were and still are out the door. The place is packed with all kinds of people fighting for that caffeine fix. There’s absolutely nothing special about Starbucks. In fact, pretty soon there will be one right across the street exactly like it and eventually one right next door. It won’t be long now before Starbucks are opening inside of previously existing Starbucks.

And everyone’s sitting around, pretending to be intellectual, all sipping on their extra-large, double-dipped, double-whipped, mocha locha frappachinos. They’re all probably discussing something like poetry or politics. Because that’s what you do when you’re drinking coffee in a place like that, you discuss. You don’t rant and rave about sports or relationships. You do that over beers. But not with coffee, it’s a studying drink.

Maybe there’s some sort of sophistication in knowing the "code" to ordering coffee, because you can’t just say, "I want a cup of coffee. Black." You have to know the Starbucks lingo. There’s lattes, espressos, javas, caffes, blends, etc. Ranging from mild to smooth to bold. This must depend on what kind of fix you need. Though the bold is only for the hardcore coffee drinkers. Starbucks even describes this type as their "most intriguing and exotic coffees." That makes me want to drink it. Right now. That "ooohh, what’s in this?" concept sounds like a fantastic idea.

And on top of all that, Starbucks is discriminatory towards blind people. Seriously. Let me break it down for you.

A blind person goes into Starbucks. You know, they want some coffee. But no. They can't get to the counter because there are all sorts of useless crap, like CDs of Kenny G or a variety of mixers, shakers, stirrers, etc. And they keep tripping over idiots in French berets playing a mean game of chess. So they are completely blocked off from the counter. So what would they fall back on? Their sense of smell. But no, that's out of the question. Because all you can smell are ground up coffee beans with an aroma that induces migraines. So they're pretty much screwed. As a last resort they try to hear their way over to the counter, but the din is deafening, from the throng of Starbucks die hards to the people screaming "I'LL TAKE A MOCHA CHOCA LATTE FRAPPICHINO WITH A TWIST OF CINNAMON AND MOCHA LOCHA CHOCA CREAM! AND COULD YOU PUT THAT IN A BUCKET, TO GO! Thank you."

So to all of those people out there that frequent the new Starbucks. Just remember that you’re supporting discrimination.

Edgy Street

"Can You Tell Me How to Get... How to Get HIV?"

Sesame Street Workshop announced a few months ago at an AIDS conference that it was considering creating a new character that is HIV positive. The new Muppet would only appear on "Takalani Sesame" in South Africa where 1 in 9 people are infected with HIV. According to a source at the broadcasting corporation, the Muppet would be a "loveable, huggable creature." Though some quickly wonder if that's how it got infected in the first place. The source says that it will be done "appropriately" without mentioning sex or drugs, but will merely turn to the camera at random times and say, "HIV is bad." It is also said that it will not appear in every show, but just primarily those that focus on the letters ‘H’, ‘I’, ‘V’ and possibly ‘Q.’
The upbeat female Muppet is considered the first controversial character to be introduced on the children’s show. Though the original characters aren’t exactly normal. Rumors have been circulating for years on the possibly homosexuality of the infamous Bert and Ernie, who seem to be a little too friendly to a more mature audience. And no straight man would be that fascinated with pigeons. Oscar is said to be in and out of anger management classes for throwing garbage at the other Muppets. Snuffleupagus is seeking help for depression and elephantiasis. And most recently Elmo is facing sexual harassment charges when he allegedly asked another Muppet to tickle him.

Plans to introduce the character are causing in outcry in the United States. Politicians are quick to condemn the plot to spread awareness and are seeking assurance that the character will not appear in America. Six Republicans leading the House Commerce Committee threatened to block funding to the program if they deemed it inappropriate. "We look forward to working with you to ensure that only age and culturally appropriate programs air on PBS, which is a mainstay that millions of parents have come to rely upon over the past 35 years," the lawmakers wrote. They then went and slept with their secretaries, embezzled money, and took more bribes than they knew what to do with.

The announcement has people asking such questions as:
"How does a Muppet get HIV any way?"
"Does the Muppeteer have HIV?"
"What exactly is she participating in to get HIV?"
"Is she doing drugs? If so, who’s her dealer?"

The turmoil has escalated throughout and some people are even thinking, "If it has HIV, and it's a Muppet, maybe I have HIV." This is causing pandemonium nationwide as people scramble to guarantee that they themselves did not contract the virus from a Muppet or stuffed animal.

I asked a single mother what she thought about the HIV positive character and she had this to say. "I hope I’m not HIV positive. My daughter has a stuffed teddy bear, and I’m just worried about it giving her AIDs. I won’t even let her go by the puppet booth at the carnival," said Kim Sullivan of Cleveland, Ohio.

Not to be out done American television station PBS (Public Broadcasting System) announced its own new character to be introduced to the Streets. It is a Muppet that seems to be wearing a turban of some kind and appears randomly during segments to shout something in another language. PBS claims that it raises awareness of possible terrorist attacks. They are having problems though, because the Count refuses to work with the new creation, tentatively named ‘Insane-o.’ He is quoted as saying, "That guy has ruined my counting one... two... THREE many times. Ha Ha Ha."

Mmmm... Frivilous Lawsuits

Caesar Barber, a 56-year-old maintenance worker (janitor), filed a class action lawsuit against four fast food restaurants on July 24th. Included in the lawsuit are McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC, and Burger King. According to his lawyer, Samuel Hirsch, "Fast food chains failed to disclose the contents in terms of calories, fat grams and sodium. Even when posted, the information is not easily understandable to the public." He continues to say, "Now, you have to be a rocket scientist" to be able to read labels that he said were deliberately designed to be confusing. NASA refuses to comment.
Barber, who had a heart attack in 1996 and then again in 1999, is due for another one any time now. The three year span is almost up, pressuring his lawsuit as well as his arteries. The American Heart Association speculates that the next one just might be the wake up call that the real life Fat Albert could use. They are also taking bets on the exact date of the attack, so place them now.

"They said 100 percent beef. I thought that meant it was good for you," Barber told Newsday last week. The companies opened their mouths to refute that statement, but realized it really spoke for itself. Besides, now really isn’t the time to bring up what is REALLY in the burgers. Barber, of course, continued to open his mouth and place burgers in it.

Big Barber leads the wide-waisted people, waddling into the courts and filing the first major lawsuit against the fast food industry for nutritional reasons. Caesar the Chubby, whose everyday "suits" consist of a specially tailored blazer and sweat pants, said that this was a major step forward for the obese community. Of course, after that major step, they all took a much-needed breather and wiped the sweat from their collective brow. Apparently he was originally only going to sue McDonald’s, but was encouraged to "Super Size" the lawsuit and take on four companies at once.

I caught up with Subway spokesman Jared Fogle at the unveiling of his commemorative and he had this to say through a mouthful of turkey sub: "I lost weight, so can he." Before he could say any more tidbits of wisdoms, he was lifted (carefully and strenuously) by the crowd of followers and carried off, all the while singing a song about him. The statue was erected in a park in Washington D.C. and is a depiction of Jared holding his oversized pants up and smiling as he walks to Subway, followed closely at his heels by two chubby children holding sandwiches. Upon closer inspection, the subs are indeed sliced the old-fashioned wedge cut.

Thousands of overweight Americans flock to the site (some slower then others) to worship the mortal god that is Jared. A space has been left next to the current statue for a bronze sculpture of Caesar Barber to be erected, in the event that he wins the case against the Fast Food Four, right next to the depiction of the old woman spilling coffee in her lap. This will provide a haven for jumbos worldwide to revel in the glory that is obesity. And when they’re through having an after-meal snack underneath the immense shadow of those tubs that came before them, they can ride their moped directly across the street to the golden arches.