Mark Foley is a Silly Goose

Congressman Mark Foley recently resigned from the House after allegedly having inappropriate communications with male pages. Foley was a Republican Rep. from the state of Florida, known for its old people, hurricanes, and “hanging chads.” (I’m sure there’s an innuendo joke there, but there’s plenty more where that came from.) And for those of you who don’t know what a page is, it’s basically an intern that’s underage.

Rep. Mark Foley is not to be confused with Chris Farley’s famous SNL skit, Matt Foley, who “lives in a van down by the river,” while the former Congressman, gives in a van down by the river. (See, there’s a quick and easy joke.)

After ABC posted information about emails and Internet chat conversations he had with teenage pages, he resigned on Friday, September 29. Mark Foley, ironically/hilariously, was an active opponent of the exploitation of children and internet predators. He was, however, a proponent of the local YMCA, Boy Scouts, and altar boy training programs.

News organizations spanning the globe were quick to point out that Foley was single, unlike the most recent homosexual scandal involving Governor Jim McGreevey from New Jersey, who was married with a daughter. Foley claimed to be living the bachelor life, having a good time, and cruising the local t-ball games for potential pages.

Fox News, known for its always balanced journalism, even put “who is single” in the lead. There’s no need to try to help the guy find a date, guys. He’s had a hard enough time with relationships recently without the news writing a Match.com ad for him.

“Creepy old politician enjoys long walks on the beach, watching wrestling, and inappropriate internet chats with minors. Email me a pic of you blowing out the candles at your sweet sixteen. Must love dogs.”

In recent developments, Foley has cited everything from mental illness to alcohol abuse to sexual confusion as excuses for his actions. Foley has even checked into alcohol rehabilitation saying he has “accepted the need for treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems.” According to his lawyer he regrets what happened and apologizes to his voters. He also wishes he wasn’t required by law to go around and tell those same voters when he’s moving into the neighborhood.

When I asked him to comment during an interview about his alleged sexual abuse of underage boys, he instinctively asked, “a/s/l?” I responded with “are oh eff el em a oh,” uncomfortably. But soon Foley made me feel right at home, tussling my hair and giving me a lolly. He asked me to call him Maf54, so I did, and before we knew it we were in our boxers discussing who was horny. Things happen. I was crazy and drunk and oh-so confused.

Foley’s department store declined to comment on the developing story, but an unnamed source did tell us that a sale had boy’s pants half off. And we laughed and laughed at that old joke. An oldie but a goodie. Like Mark Foley. J/k. J/k. Ttyl!