Are We Prepared for an Invasion?
If I learned ANYTHING in Boy Scouts, it was that you must always “be prepared.” Always. “Hey, you got chance for a twenty?” You better respond, “I sure do. Here’s a ten, a five, 4 ones, three quarters, two dimes and a nickel. Let me know if you need to convert that ten into pennies.” And if Bobby Fischer returns, you better know that he’s gonna move his knight to king’s bishop’s third. And if Pluto turns out to be the Death Star, we better have giant mounted photon guns capable of interstellar warfare.
In the event of an attack from above, here are a few things Earth should consider.
1. We need a flag.
First thing is first. We’re going to need a flag. How are we going to fight alien scum without a unifying “Earth” flag flapping in the windy gusts from the landing spacecrafts?
Vexillologists (people who actually study flags) will tell you that flags are an important symbol of unity for a common goal, which in this particular case is to “not die.”
But what will it look like? It can’t be just a picture of Earth, because then we’d just be flying giant maps. It can’t be anything religious though because of the varying views. And it can’t be any combination of existing flags, because then we’d have a jumble of crosses and stars. So I nominate the idea of a flag that just says, “Go away, alien scum” in big letters. You know, to get the message across. This isn’t the time to be subtle.
Once that flag design is finalized, we’ll need a fleet of Betsy Rosses (but probably foreign and working in a sweat shop), duplicating and sending the glorious symbol literally to the ends of the Earth! From Alberia to Zimbabwe! From sea to shining sea! From Santa’s house to Antarctica! Everyone gets a flag! We wouldn’t want to “alienate” anyone.
Side note: Can we make them in flame-retarded material? We can’t have hippies demonstrating when we’re engaging in intergalactic warfare.
Also, using the phrase “flame-retarded” makes me giggle.
We’ll need all kinds too. Flags for poles, walls, and stadium rafters. Banners, ribbons, pins, buttons, bumper stickers, face paintings, and more. We’ll need some of those flags people attach to their car windows. We’ll need a new monument of a couple of guys erecting an Earth flag. We’ll need to send a group of climbers to the top of Everest to plant our new flag. We’ll need the people of Flagstaff to join hands and sing “It’s a Grand Olde Flag” on Flag Day while wearing t-shirts with flags on them. It’ll be just like after September 11th.
2. More missiles.
Earth needs to be armed to the magma with missiles. It’s time we stopped pointing the nukes at other countries and instead pointed them aimlessly into outer space. It’s the only way.
However, in these uncertain times of nuclear proliferation, weapons inspectors, and only one Jack Bauer, I can understand being hesitant when giving everyone nuclear missiles, but I have a plan. Wait for it…
We give the countries that don’t have “space strike” capabilities plenty of missiles to haphazardly rocket into the atmosphere, BUT on one condition: no shooting other countries.
What do you mean that won’t work? They’ll be on the honor system. HONOR, people. What ever happened to “honesty is the best policy,” huh?
Besides, I have reason to believe that the aliens will attack in organized lines in space, allowing us to fire continually into their ranks. We can strafe back and forth, jamming the fire button as rapidly as possible to whittle down each incoming squadron. But, unfortunately, the aliens will advance more quickly as time progresses, making it increasingly difficult to protect our saved initials and therefore our legacy.
Until this planet has a giant shield, a “Star Wars” defense system, or the International Space Station is packin’ heat, our best defense is… more offense. Of course, there are other defensive methods, including the “Duck and Cover Technique,” the “Run Like Hell Method,” and the “IMAX Defense,” which consists of closing your eyes until the feeling has passed.
3. Some idea of what they’re packin’
The problem is there are too many different alien types. We know so little about what they really are, and even that information is from people who were abducted and probed while they slept. So to learn more, in case of an invasion, we need to ask ourselves some of the following questions:
What do they look like?
Are they green and anorexic? Or are they talking apes? Maybe they look like us. Maybe they already have alien spies amongst us, watching for the right moment to strike. If so, we need to find these aliens and place them in “camps” where they can “concentrate” on not being an alien.
Are they friendly?
Who knows, we might be preparing ourselves for an epic battle against the likes of ALF. Hordes of ALFs just pouring off the mother ships in search of feline food. In which case I say we let them have the cats.
Ok, they're not so friendly. Why are they decimating our cities?
We must discover their motivating factor and maybe we can appease them in some way. Maybe they’re farming our poor planet for resources or feeding on our fattening citizens. Maybe we pose a threat in space once we stop mixing metric and imperial measurements. Or maybe they’re just offended by the coffee mugs that say, “Greatest Dad in the Universe.”
4. We need Bill Pullman.
In the event of an invasion, someone needs to find Bill Pullman on the set of whatever terrible movie he’s making and immediately put him in charge of the world. I think it’s safe to say I’m not the only one who got chills when President Pullman proclaimed “Today we celebrate our Independence Day” in a movie with a similar title. This uplifting speech, coupled with his role as Lone Starr in Spaceballs, makes him overqualified to be leader of Earth. And to assist him with important decisions, Martin Sheen from the West Wing will provide counsel.
And just in case the entertainment industry inadvertently guessed a viable deterrent, we’re also going to need the following:
- A computer virus to “upload” into the mother ship
- Will Smith
- Predators
- Superman
- Biological warfare (a.k.a. the flu)
- Water
- Country music
