Third Greatest Invention

Ok, so some of you are new to the Miscellaneous Thoughts, so I'll recap the Greatest Inventions thus far:
1. The Kleenex Box
2. The Spork

And now for the unveiling of the third greatest invention of all time:
Tagless shirts.

So I was going through my drawer, selecting an undershirt to wear for the day, and it dawned on me that the idea of tagless is relatively new. Why it took so long for the t-shirt companies to come up with this, I have no idea. But it is here. And it is glorious.

Tagless. A concept so brilliant, so revolutionary, that it belongs in the pantheon of great ideas, such as the Kleenex box and the spork. And although it is relatively new, I believe that it will stand the test of time and mature into a truly inspirational concept worthy of such praise.

Hanes launched the tagless t-shirt in 2002, along with a new era in comfortable clothing.
I imagine the summit where the tagless development was created like the Manhattan Project. The highest experts in the field of textiles and various departments of attire, in a dark room underground in some undisclosed location, sitting around a huge circular conference table. Everything done in a clandestine manner, as to not alert the evil Fruit of the Loom of their plans for t-shirt domination. It was there that tagless was born.

And tagless will forever be remembered, as it sits at the number three spot in the most important inventions ever devised by the human mind. Hanes, we salute you.

Disturbingly Hilarious

The suit shirt is a nice touch, you know, instead of pajamas.

And in case you don't understand what the characters say, it reads: "PATHETICALLY ALONE?"

Blockbuster Rant - Day 5

This is installment 5 of 5. The final rant. So if you're starting from this point, please learn your number system.

Late Fees:
Ahhh, late fees. The unfortunate necessity of renting movies out to thousands of people. Without late fees, due dates mean about as much as my “Have a nice night” comment as they head out the door.
Of course, Blockbuster doesn’t call them “late fees.” They’re called “Extended Viewing Fees.” Or when we explain it to the irate customer, its referred to as “a balance on your account.” That’s the idea, confuse them with silly euphemisms. But these little “punishment payments” can be fun. Not for them. But for me.
I find it all amusing, usually. It’s my little way of reversing the stupidity and attitude I get from every other customer. A final “screw you” to everyone incapable of meeting a noon deadline.
Plus, it’s like a game. How will they react?

No one ever thinks it’s their fault. I’ve heard the same excuses more times than I could’ve ever counted.
“No way. I know I turned those in on time,” they usually say, accompanied by the hands to hips motion.

My ideal reply would go something like this:
“Touché, sir. I hadn’t thought of that.
Well, after a second glance at your electronic history, I have come to the conclusion that one of you is lying. And since you phrased your complaint so eloquently and convincingly, I have to assume that the computer is the one who isn’t being honest. It says here precisely when the movie was checked in and when it was due, but that HAS to be incorrect, what with all the mistakes computers are making these days. It couldn’t be you that was wrong to try to weasel out of paying the late fee that you have accumulated, because that wouldn’t make any sense. Let me just take that off of here for…
Wait a second… AHA! You almost had me convinced. You sly devil, you. That’ll be 4.06.”

Actually the best part about telling them they have late fees is to see the look of horror and shock sweep across their face. You can almost see the anger rise up. It’s so great. Which is why I always make sure I’m not doing anything else when I break the news to them about their little faux pas.
And when I tell them, I like to throw a question mark on the end. “You have a 4.06 balance on your accountQUESTION MARK”
This way its like I’m saying, “How did that get there?” Like I’m on their side. I’m on your team, buddy, don’t get mad at me. Same team, pal. There’s no I in team. We’re all friends here, rightQUESTION MARK You can’t get mad.

But they do.

They always do.

“What do you mean I have a late fee? I turned that in on time. I remember because I was on my way to drop the kids off at soccer practice and I put in the slot both at the same time. And I remember the time because I looked at the positioning of the sun and…”
To me it sounds like this: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.”

I explain what I can do for them. I can cut it in half or take it off if it’s a small amount, but I like to see what they’re willing to say or do. I, for once, hold all the power. And now that little crack they made about my blue polo doesn’t seem so funny, does it?

Then the manager strides over, takes a look at the rental history, and cuts them a deal. It’s like good cop, bad cop. I sweat them out a little under the bright light, then he comes in and smoothes it over.

Speaking of cops, I made an off-duty cop pay his late fee one time. I felt like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. I was like, “Take that!”
I wanted so bad to be wearing blue blockers, so that I could pull them down slowly and look over the top of them.
“Excuse me, I’m gonna need to see your Blockbuster card and identification, sir.”
He pulls it out, hands it over.
“Do you know that these movies are late?”
He stammers out an excuse.
“Wait here while I check the computer.”
I take half a step to the left and check out the history.
“I’m gonna have to charge you a late fee, sir. These movies were entirely too late. If they were a few hours late, I might have given you a warning, but this was just too far overdue.”
He nods slowly in agreement and hangs his head in shame.
“Sign here, please. And next time have these in on time. Good day.”

But after the manager is done cutting the deal or forcing payment, he leaves to go handle something else and I’m left with the pissed off customer. My sheepish expression and nervous laugh isn’t going to calm the raging football coach in front of me. And I have to collect the money while he tsks, sighs, and grumbles the whole time. I’m not exactly stern or menacing either, so he just takes it all out on me. It’s like a midget repo man.

So, I tell you what, why don’t I just call you when they’re going to be late.

Conclusionary Statement:
(Before I get started on my final thoughts, I just want to say that conclusionary isn’t a word.)
At the end of the day, none of that crap matters. I’m not going to leave bitter or lose any sleep over some customer’s frantic antics.
I just laugh it off, like I did with this rant.
Blockbuster wasn’t THAT bad of a job. There are much worse, lowering paying jobs. Like being Richard Simmons’s friend.
Though it would have been even better without customers, but hey, you can’t have everything.

But I’m sure glad I’m done with it all, including this rant.

And don’t forget, next time you’re in a Blockbuster, remember to ask the guy for the “Leins Special.”

Blockbuster Rant - Day 4

The "Do You Have This?" People:

"Do you have that one... with the guy from... um... It came out a few years ago... and it was about this woman who died… Do you have that one?"
"Yes ma'am. We do. Try the drama section. And if it's not there, try comedy or action. Or family. And if it isn't there, try Hollywood Video."

The "do you have this" people are the worst kind of customers. Even worse than the disgusted, disgruntled late fee crowd. Though sometimes the two groups of geniuses overlap in an incestuous way that can only result in retardation of the worst kind.

It's difficult to explain what frustrates me so much about the "do you have this" people. But let me try to capture it for you.
A kid grabs a game box from the shelf and toddles over to the counter and stretches his arms up and slides it towards me.
"Do you have this one?" he asks.
Awww, so cute. I check, just to humor him. Though I know for a fact we don't have any because it's a popular title and there aren't any rental boxes out there. But he REALLY wanted it, so he just had to make sure.
"No, man, we don't have that one. Sorry."
He says ok and snatches it up, running back to pick another one. He returns soon after, clutching another empty game box.
"What about this one?" he whines.
I check again for it, knowing he probably won't rent it even if we do have it.
"Nope, not that one either."
Dejected, he trudges back to the game area, meanwhile undoing a half hours worth of facing and straightening someone probably just did. He repeats this process a few more times, until finally he gives up and runs off, yelling "They didn't have it!!"
Now imagine a GROWN ADULT doing the exact same thing. Lots of them.
That's about how annoying it is.

Though, to be fair, there are some people that are genuinely trying to find a particular movie and had trouble locating it among our many shelves and rows. They're easy to spot though and I try to help them out as best as I can, running through the usual song and dance of the computer search and drop box scavenger hunt.

But some people come in and immediately ask, "Hey, where could I find…"
The door hasn't even swung closed from their entrance and they're already asking where a movie is. Sure, let me get right on that. I mean, I don't have anything else to do. I was just scratching my ass over here any way, while people wait in line to be checked out. And when I'm done picking my nose, I'll remove that finger and type in your request into my computer, because the "first come, first serve" rule doesn't apply to you, does it Speedy Gonzales?

And sometimes I don't even look. I just fake it. I type something in the computer, press enter and a few arrow keys and then I take a step back, lean forward, and squint at the screen, pretending to read.
"Nope, sorry sir, we are all out of that one."
I don't have a clue.
I just know we're probably out of it. I can't be bothered to ACTUALLY look, because that would require effort. Effort that frankly, he hasn't earned.

And another way that I can tell they don't deserve it? When they bring me the cover box.
The cover box is the original movie case that we place in front of the rentals. Oh, and it's also very empty.
I don't know how many times I've had someone bring me the cover box and open it to show me, *gasp*, there's nothing inside!
So when someone carries the cover box all the way from the wall to the register and hands it to me, I just don't know what to do. I probably would have been fired if I just reached across and slapped the shit-eating grin off their face. Plus that would have been a little dramatic.
Usually I just drop my head in defeat and mutter "This is the cover box. Was there anything behind this?"
I can almost see the confusion wash over their face. They're like a deer in headlights. Their eyes dart back and forth, wondering if maybe there WAS something there.
But alas, they were too dumb to notice that when they grabbed that cover box off the shelf that it left a gaping void and clear view of the glaring white wall behind it, obviously meaning there are no copies.

This brings on another volley of equally brilliant questions. Follow up questions to the cardinal query of idiocy.

"But what about in the back?" they ask.
Let me dispel this myth right now. There isn't some secret stash of movies people REALLY want to see hidden underneath the counter. It's not like I'm going to suddenly reach below the register and pull out a copy, throw confetti in the air, and set off a siren, complete with flashing lights and plenty of fanfare. "YOU'RE THE LUCKY CUSTOMER!" I'll yell, as I come from behind the counter to dance a jig of merriment from the sheer excitement of you getting one from the top secret, hidden hoard.

No, instead, the best I can do is rummage through the drop box for them, which I also may or may not fake according to how nicely they asked and, of course, if they are hot.

Another great question that I definitely love to get is "Do you know when it's due back?"
Ok, let's say we DIDN'T have a movie pass that allows you to keep the movie indefinitely. Do you ever bring a movie back right at the exact time it's due? No, it's usually a little early. Or sometimes a little late. Or sometimes never.
But I'm not about to speculate when a movie is going to appear in our store so that you can shift the blame to me, the innocent employee, when it isn't back on time.
We're open tomorrow, and it could be back by then.
BUT, we're also open July 23, 2006. And it might be back by then too.

But my all time favorite is "Can you call me when a copy of it comes in?"
The first time I heard this I thought they were kidding.

This would require a special task force of 1 or 2 employees solely dedicated to double checking returns with a list of desired titles. Then, once the Holy Grail of of DVDs is located, everyone else that has asked for it recently is then bypassed for you, the Very Important Person that was bumped to the top of the list. It'll be like the liver transplant list at your local hospital, only instead of a liver, it'll be Soul Food Season 1: Volume 4 of 5. And once that precious item has been rescued from the hands of the unworthy, a member of the elite task force then rushes over to the red phone to place a call to you, the VIP. Meanwhile the other member of BB-TF1 stands ready, armed with a fully automatic AK-47, loaded, with a hair trigger, in case anyone makes a sudden attack for the movie. It is then placed in a box with fingerprint recognition protection, which is then placed in a glass box guarded by lasers, and finally put inside an air tight vault only to be accessed by two employees with identical keys that must be turned simultaneously.

Because you, sir, are our top priority.

Blockbuster Rant - Day 3

Facing and Straightening:
Another part of my job description was to handle the complex task of facing and straightening. Basically, and see if you can follow me on this because I know it’s complicated, I have to make sure the videos are in line with the cover box so the wall looks nice and clean. I know, it’s an intricate system. Years of development. Took me all summer to master the art of the wall straightening. If I did, in fact, attain the level of skill it takes to mash your hands together with boxes in between.

Then there was putting the returned rentals back on the shelf, or “running them.” (Facing, straightening, running… I know these are all technical terms, but try to follow the jargon.)
The qualification for this involves knowing your alphabet and…um… nope, that’s pretty much it.
Except Blockbuster doesn’t do everything exactly alphabetical when it comes to the wall. It’s like a six year old threw them up there in what he thought was the right order, complete with a jumble in the LMNOP area.

Each day we had to dive into the pile of boxes underneath the drop slot. You open the cabinet door and boxes just spill out onto the floor. Not a good sign when it means you have to open each and every one of them and see if there’s something inside. Kind of like the search for the golden ticket, without the satisfying run through the town afterwards.

And just so we’re not mistaken, the urge to build a fort out of them was there. It took all my willpower to not construct a fortified wall with DVD cases and run a pirate flag up a flag pole.

So I look in every single box to make sure they aren’t empty or they don’t include an AOL CD for 100 free internet hours. Don’t get me wrong, the free hours were nice, but it’s not what I was looking for. Oh, and AOL sucks.

Then I slam little yellow locks home into each one. Again, safe and secure. No one can crack the heavy security mechanism of the … magnet?
Ok, so Blockbuster isn’t exactly Fort Knox, but what did you expect from a place where two of the walls are made entirely of breakable glass? And the entrance is protected by a sensor that accomplishes nothing more than annoying everyone with high pitched beeps. And it’s guarded by a little old lady barely over 5 feet with one of those old people afros.
Don’t underestimate her though, I bet she has some hidden ninja moves, like that crane kick from Karate Kid.

Any way, as I was saying, I check ‘em all in and then I alphabetize. I know, it’s a lot of ordering by letter. Funny how people still can’t figure out where a movie is, isn’t it?

All of the locked and sorted cases go onto a cart. Surprisingly, the carts don’t have that usual one wheel that kind of wobbles out of control. In fact, they’re pretty heavy duty carts for pushing a bunch of movies around. They look like I could push ammo into battle on them. I even heard a rumor someone got killed by one of them in a runaway out-of-control situation, which Blockbuster quickly covered up. But I think that’s just a rumor… Or is it?

Putting the movies back on the shelves was always fun though because it's like a puzzle. You have to figure out where it goes in the crazy order everything is in. And sometimes customers just like to be SO FUNNY and move boxes around to make it that much harder. Those crazy kids and their zany hijinks.

Categories (drama, comedy, etc) are much easier though. You just walk down the row and put them up there. It gives you a chance to check out the selection for the 5 free rentals you get a week. Strange placement though, like Adaptation in the comedy section. Or Batman 3 and 4 under Action, when clearly a new section of “Unintentional Comedies” is necessary.

It wasn’t until I started into the “Family” section that I realized there were lots of movies entitled ____ Saves Christmas. Elmo Saves Christmas. Veggie Tales Saves Christmas. Ernest Saves Christmas. I didn’t realize Christmas was in such peril.
And if it was, my list of heroes would not include Ernest or any of the Sesame Street posse.

At the end of the day, before everything is closed up, the shelves all have to be straightened. Well, we like to get a jump on it early, so we’re not walking around an hour later nitpicking over box placement.
But it always seems that the late night crew manages to mess it all up. An hour’s worth of work can all be undone by a teenager who isn’t sure which movie he wants, so he picks up all the cover boxes and skims the summary. Of course, he never puts it back straight or even in the right place.
It’s like someone throwing a bunch of paperwork on your desk at 4:50. Or a group of 8 slipping in the door right before closing at a restaurant. You almost just want to tell the night owls off just so they won’t ravage the meticulous arrangement.
“It’s my wall. So don’t screw with it, buddy. This wall is third in line behind the Great Wall and that wall with all the Vietnam names, so don’t go messing it all up, pal. Or it’s over. Yeah, that’s right. I’ll cancel your membership. I won’t even think twice about it.”

During the final hour of my tenure at Blockbuster, I almost had my first explosion on a customer. The one thing standing between me and finally being done was one of the dumbest, fattest ladies I have ever had the displeasure of coming in contact with.
This female Jabba the Hutt decided it was a good idea to bring her two young kids into the store at midnight on a school night and let them run amuck.
It was like some evil Dr. Frankenstein took one of the usual late night crew who trashes the place and a customer who asks too many ridiculous questions, and they combined them, like the Planeteers.
But instead of getting a hero that saves the world from pollution, they created an ultra super stupid human being, capable of causing loss of IQ points just by speaking. (And she was about that size too, like they had fused two people together.)
And if that wasn’t enough, she popped out two evil spawns, running rampant through the aisles, mimicking the inane questioning and aptitude for chaos of their massive mother.
Needless to say, I wasn’t happy to see them.

One of the monsters picked up a coupon for Six Flags and said, “Hey! Free tickets to Astroworld!” and shoved it in his pocket. Brilliant. We just keep stacks and stacks of free tickets right by the door, just prime for the taking.

And then he picked up a Passion of the Christ presale card. “Ooh, 7 free rentals and the Passion.”
First of all, I’m surprised his devil hands didn’t melt at merely touching something about Jesus. And second, YOU HAVE TO BUY THAT.
After I mentioned it to the lady that looked like a human melting snowman, she didn’t understand either.
“Um… you have to purchase the card. See this price here at the top, that’s how much the movie, plus the free rentals costs.”
She still didn’t understand. Probably never will. My temper was strained and I had to go to my happy place to keep from drop kicking the kids and taking a titanium appendage to her head.
And when she finally left, I assessed the damage.
Apparently the two grown adults had done more damage than their two siblings.

It was at that point that I lost all faith in humanity.

Blockbuster Rant - Day 2

Suggestive Selling:
Part of the nine step checkout they teach you in nine hour training is this: suggestive selling. This is basically pushing something they didn’t ask for and pretending like they can’t do without it.
At first I didn’t do it. I would not compromise my made-up morals with such filth as promoting passes and peddling products. McDonald’s made the method famous with their “would you like fries with that?” At Blockbuster, it’s just a variation on the same theme.
I thought to myself, “There isn’t suggestive selling in the rest of the world, why should I have to do it?” When you buy a plane ticket to Vermont, they don’t say, “Would you also like a ticket to Oregon with that?”

But soon I started to get the hang of it. That and the added pressure of competition with my coworkers, I sold a few movie passes.

In case you don’t know, Blockbuster has this deal going on where you can pay a flat monthly fee and rent as many movies as you want, with no due dates or late fees. Well, the managers cut the price of them by $10 to get a bunch of people signed up on a trial basis. So I sold a few more passes.
Then they started offering incentives and setting up store contests. And I can’t PASS up some friendly competition. So I sold some more. But I still hated selling them as much as people hated hearing it.

Well, once this punk kid named John started trash talking at the registers, it was on. I brought my ‘A’ game. John and the customers didn’t know what hit ‘em. They’d walk up to the register to ask if we had a movie and they’d walk away with a movie pass and a look of confusion. “What just happened?” they'd think as I mark another one up on Little John.

Soon I got to a point where I could just feel out the suckers. If you’re a college kid strolling up to the counter, dumping pocket change on the counter, you’re probably not going to buy a $25 movie pass. Same with a businessmen in a suit, holding a movie he knew he was going to rent before he even parked his car and in the other hand an American Express Platinum card poised and ready. Yeah, I’m probably going to skip the spiel and you’re getting the Leins Special.

Unfortunately sometimes the suckers are not only gullible enough to buy a pass, but are also financially challenged. Nothing worse than drawing up all the paperwork and getting “Card Declined.” Thanks Pablo, but how about if you come back when you learn that charging it doesn’t send the payment off to magical happy land where you don’t have to worry about it anymore.

However, let’s say you come wandering up to the register holding 3-4 movies, with a puzzled look on your face. And you’re confused, wondering which two you’re taking home. Well, the movies aren’t the only thing that’s about to get taken, my friend.

Like a gazelle that wanders from the pack, you’ve strayed into the kill zone, baby.

I execute my technique to near perfection, starting first by lulling them into a false sense of security. That warm, snuggly feeling I was talking about earlier.
Then I place a harmless question such as, “Have you heard about our movie pass?”
At this point I’m not pitching anything, I’m just wondering if they’ve heard about it already. I’m expecting that ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ Truth is, it doesn’t matter which one they say. They could shout something in Swahili for all I care. It’s a trick question any way and the only correct answer is an immediate “I’m not interested.”

They hesitate for one second, and that trap slams shut around them. They’re then bombarded with rationalities that boggle the mind. They haven’t had to think this hard since the GED.
I’m throwing out prices, comparing, contrasting, wheeling, dealing… If I have to draw a Venn Diagram for these people, I will. And a lot of the time they give in to the inescapable reality that they will save a few dollars. It’s win/win really.

But other times, inside this web of logic, they start to wriggle. And when they don’t want to hear it anymore, out come the excuses.

A memorable quote from a little underrated movie called Boiler Room said this:
“A sale is made on every call you make. Either you sell the client some stock or he sells you a reason he can't.” And while I’m not telemarketing stock options, I sure as hell am not going to lose to some idiot who can’t decide between 2 Fast 2 Furious and You Got Served.

He’ll usually stutter through some poor excuse about “Maybe next time.”
“Next time? Next time! Sir, do you know what John F. Kennedy said to his secret service about riding in a bulletproof car? He said ‘Maybe next time.’ And you know what, sir? JFK is dead. Yeah, dead. All because next time was good enough for him. Well it’s not good enough for me. And it shouldn’t be good enough for you. He also said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’ You know what you can do for your country? Buy a movie pass. The economy needs you. Your country needs you! God bless America!”
And the slightly shorter version is: “If you don’t buy a movie pass, the terrorists have already won.”

Blockbuster Rant - Day 1

The summer is ending and so ends my time as a slave to the juggernaut of movie rentals, Blockbuster. I’ve worked there now for about three months, just basking in the world of just above minimum wage and people with absolutely no taste in movies. Though I don’t want to sound arrogant, like I’ve been slummin’ it with the uncultured folk, it just comes out that way because, well… nevermind, it’s true.
And as I have just completed my final shift as a “Customer Service Representative,” I figured I would share a little about what makes this such a miserable experience. I hope you can see all the comedy that I saw on a daily basis.
Oh, and because there is so much to talk about, I’ll have to stretch it out over a few days. Enjoy.

Basics of My Job

My illustrious title at Blockbuster is “Customer Service Representative.” Which means that first and foremost my job is to make the customer feel all warm and snuggly. The customer is always right, right? Yeah right.

The customer is an idiot. If you saw half the stuff that I see, you’d want to high five me right now, trust me. Try fifty people requesting Whole Ten Yards when
a) we blatantly don’t have any in stock, as those shelves are empty
b) they have already asked at least once since they first walked in the store
and c) this is one of the worst sequels, and dare I say movies ever put on film.
All of this I will cover later, in a segment entitled “The ‘Do You Have This’ People.”

Anything the customer needs, I’m supposed to get. Or at least look for. Anything that can help the customer “Make it a Blockbuster night.” Within limits.

And when I’m not wrapping a warm and welcoming blanket around the tired, poor, and huddled masses of people yearning to rent a movie... I work the register.

Most of the time I dish out the most express checkout you’ll ever see. I like to call it “The Leins Special.”

The Leins Special:
This is basically the get in, get out, no bullshit treatment that everyone wishes they could have everywhere they go. You hand me the movies, I check ‘em out. You hand me the money, I hand you the movies. And you’re out the door. There’s no “Did you find everything ok?” or “Nice weather we’re having” coming from this direction. You unwillingly consented to a nonverbal agreement to have a nonverbal checkout, people.
You don’t really want me to chit chat with you. And I REALLY don’t want to small talk with you. So let’s keep this simple and we’ll both be happy.
Meanwhile, I whip that hand scanner out like I’m drawing a six shooter and pull the trigger as bar codes fly by with the other hand. That little red line flashes out, catching electronic information with each satisfying beep. I’m almost tempted to blow on the end of it when I’m done.
And I slide the magnetic locks from the cases so smoothly, it’s almost graceful. I have the weight of the little yellow locks down so well that I can launch one of them two registers over and land it in the container with all the others. Safe. Secure. The way a little lock should be.
And as they’re handing me the money, my fingers are flashing through the keystrokes on the register.
You see, it’s all about efficiency. And no chatter. Mr. T didn’t tolerate jibber-jabber, and neither do I.
That’s the “Leins Special.”

Which is why when people slow down the process, I’m not happy.

Here’s a tip, just to keep in mind: have your Blockbuster card ready.
That’s all. Nothing special or super secret, just have it ready.
I’m not even asking you to have it on a utility belt or even have it out and in hand like a baton in a relay race, just know where it is, at the very least.
Because what takes the most time at the register is that guy waiting for you to hand him the card. You see, the blockbuster slave can’t do a damn thing until that card is scanned or he finds your name among the thousands and thousands in the database.

And what’s worse is that some people think it’s funny that their extensive rummage through their purse or fanny pack is taking an excruciatingly long time. It’s like a bad magic trick. There’s shuffling involved and a lot of distracting chatter. And sometimes a rabbit. And finally, in the end they pull it out and say, “Is this your card?”

Though the urge to strangle rises when they finally locate that card and it is, in fact, the wrong card. When they hand me a Randall’s card from their bag after three minutes of digging, I hope my body language screams loud enough for them to hear. Of course, on the outside I just chuckle along with them (at them) as I hand them back their card and a little piece of my dignity.

You want to know why you had to wait in line when you tried to come up to the register? Because the last six people thought that little trick was a knee-slapping hoot.
It wasn’t. And it isn’t. And it never will be.

The rest of the mystery lies in the credit card machine. I never thought a little black box that you swipe your card through could be so difficult to master, but alas, it is quite the enigma for the general public. Most of the time I have to hold their hand and walk them through the two steps of pressing “Yes” to agree to the charges and then swiping the card. I do this all with reassuring words and pats to make them feel like they’re special. Then I give them a lollipop.
I just say, “Press the green button, then swipe your card.” About 75% of the people search frantically for the green button if I don’t point it out in my own condescending manner.
Though I must say, it’s pretty hard, what with the other buttons being various shades of grey. It’s like an Easter egg hunt for these grown adults, because they giggle like schoolchildren when they finally find that green button. Congratulations, you have now mastered the credit card box. Chalk one up for the humans in the battle against machines.


Look for more rants throughout the week!