Shampoo

Shampoos, conditioners, convixers, gels, mousses, sprays, foams, treatments, coloring, dyes, floogans… An endless supply of hair-care products. All of which I’m convinced do the exact same thing. Except for that last one, which I made up.

And an even more endless supply of hair-care commercials. They come on more than car commercials now, with excruciating flips of waving hair and shimmering locks. It just seems a little disproportionate to how much it actually matters. Which it doesn’t. I think I would spend a little more time looking into my car than deciding on what kind of goo to lather with. And no, that wasn’t a Something About Mary reference.

But they each claim that their product gives it bounce and depth, balance and volume, relaxes and revitalizes, makes it silky, conditions it, freshens it, wines it, dines it... And I want it to do one thing. Clean.

I don’t need my hair to “shine like the sun off morning dew in a meadow” or “deflect deadly, powerful bullets.” I want it to just sit there, like the dead strands of cells that it is.

This is the reason why I don’t style it, or put endless amounts of time and effort into it. Because I don’t care. And neither should you. No matter what gender. That’s the reason why I shaved my head last summer. You can’t style peach fuzz. These kinds of decisions and scrutiny don’t arise when you resemble a Chia head.

Though, before I continue, I have to say that shampoo, among other body products, serve as the greatest gifts for women. Here’s an easy way to say, “I don’t know anything about you” in scented form. The adopted “she has to bathe, right?” formula that is foolproof. Don’t know what to get a woman for an occasion? Go to Bath and Body Works and wander around for a while. You’re looking for things that have fruits in it you don’t even recognize. Pictures of bouquets or orchards is always a plus. And let’s not forget a smell that you gives you hallucinations of babies dressed like pink gerber daisies.

Herbal Essence commercials, though, are the worst. If you haven’t seen them, it basically shows a woman enjoying an “experience” and enjoying washing her hair a little too much. There’s even one where she has such an experience in the middle of a courtroom, on which I have decided to plead the fifth.
Though I admit it. I used to use Herbal Essences. An unfortunate result of relying too much on my mom and sharing a bathroom with my sister. Say whatever you want. I deserve it. Something about washing my hair with liquid potpourri that fundamentally invites ridicule, so lay it on me.
Though, I have to say, I never once had one of those “showergasms.” Not once. Not once in my follicle frolic through the rainforest did I feel a TOTAL ORGANIC EXPERIENCE.
I would ask for a refund after this blatant display of false advertising, but the Herbel Essence company (made entirely of women) would laugh hysterically and I would be black listed. “Herbal listed,” if you will. And somewhere down the line, when I’m famous for being cynical, I’ll be called in front of McCarthy sound-alike and asked, “Are you or have you ever used Herbal Essence shampoo?” And I would have to hang my head in shame and say, “Yes... and the conditioner.”