Letter to Kobe

Kobe Kobe Kobe. All I can do is shake my head in a shocked state of complete denial. But I think we all have to come to terms with what this whole fiasco means. Our little baby's all grown up.
From the point where you said, "Hey, where do the high school girls hang out around here?" until now, where it looks like it may cost you the Olympics, you've started to become a man right before our eyes. And it brings tears to them. Granted, they may be tears of laughter, but we won't get all technical. Go Mavericks.

And you've really handled it like a class act, like a real adult. My favorite was when you made an appearance at the Teen Choice Awards. Maybe if you had given one teen a choice...

Either way, welcome to the big leagues, Kobe. You may have been in the NBA since 1996, but now you're a true NBA player. Wow, your first real scandal. It's kinda of exciting in a scary, you-could-get-life-in-prison sort of way.

You have joined the ranks of all the other professional athletes now. But don't worry, it has happened to the best of them. Even the great Michael Jordan has had some problems. But they all eventually get out of it, because they're stars and that's what they do. I mean, look at O.J.

When I heard the news back in July, I immediately thought, "Say it ain't so, Kobe! Say it ain't so!" And you did on July 12, 2003, when you said "I would never do something like that." I then wiped my brow and thought "Whew, I'm glad that's all cleared up." It's crazy to think that a 24-year-old basketball super star with millions of dollars and an equal number of female fans would do such a thing. But let's examine the facts:

Kobe Bryant, 24, great athlete. Likes women.

A 19-year-old girl, described by her friends as "fun-loving, outgoing and emotional." Doesn't like to be sexually assaulted.

Sounds to me like we have a real case on our hands.

ESPN reports that you, who lead the team in points, assists, and steals, plan to play basketball ON the court when you're not IN court. And I applaud this. What better way to take out aggression and humiliation from the press than to play around in the spotlight some more, backed by the newest Dream Team of bought players.

A fan of the team, paid sizably by the Lakers to remain a supporter, said, "He was just trying to bring the funk. He just got a little carried away." Whatever it was that you were doing, or not doing, it is sure to impact absolutely nothing as far as NBA viewers, who are now immune to the player's antics.

And we can only hope that in a few years we'll all be talking around the water cooler about the new LeBron James scandal. I'm taking bets. Murder or rape gets odds.

Rouge Lemonade Stand Shut Down

A six-year-old girl named Abagail Shaw learned that it’s not easy being an entrepreneur on Wednesday, June 18, in Naples, Florida. Her lemonade stand was shut down due to a lack of permit required for temporary businesses. A complaint was filed by a nearby neighbor, causing the cops to follow procedure and follow up on it.
The police officers arrived on the scene to find that the complaint was true and a rogue lemonade stand was illegally exchanging quarters for Dixie Cups filled with “lemonade.” The liquid was confiscated and taken to the lab for testing, where it was confirmed that it was made from real lemons.

The cops, upon learning that she was operating without a permit, wasted no time in throwing Abagail to the ground and placing handcuffs around her wrists. The handcuffs were said to have slipped off, resulting in her being hog tied and tossed in the squad car. When later interviewed about the arrest, the officer explained, “I felt the force was necessary because of her insubordination and obvious attempt to escape.”

An onlooker in a wife-beater described the incident as like nothing he had seen before. But he added, “The lemonade was overpriced and wasn’t very good.”

The department chief said, “We’ve had a lot of problems with the children in this area. We’ve arrested dozens for playing pretend army games, illegal games of ‘house,’ and mostly recently this criminal lemonade ring. This total disregard for the law is unacceptable.”

Abagail Shaw was charged with operating a stand without a permit, running a monopoly on that particular street, and bribing a police officer with a free cup of lemonade.

The girl was returned to her stand after the city “played Mr. Niceguy.” A permit was issued, allowing her to resume business as usual. All other fake charges that I made up were also dropped.

She is said to have since tripled business because of the publicity. This allows her to pay the cops for protection under her tiny plastic table.