Edgy Street

"Can You Tell Me How to Get... How to Get HIV?"

Sesame Street Workshop announced a few months ago at an AIDS conference that it was considering creating a new character that is HIV positive. The new Muppet would only appear on "Takalani Sesame" in South Africa where 1 in 9 people are infected with HIV. According to a source at the broadcasting corporation, the Muppet would be a "loveable, huggable creature." Though some quickly wonder if that's how it got infected in the first place. The source says that it will be done "appropriately" without mentioning sex or drugs, but will merely turn to the camera at random times and say, "HIV is bad." It is also said that it will not appear in every show, but just primarily those that focus on the letters ‘H’, ‘I’, ‘V’ and possibly ‘Q.’
The upbeat female Muppet is considered the first controversial character to be introduced on the children’s show. Though the original characters aren’t exactly normal. Rumors have been circulating for years on the possibly homosexuality of the infamous Bert and Ernie, who seem to be a little too friendly to a more mature audience. And no straight man would be that fascinated with pigeons. Oscar is said to be in and out of anger management classes for throwing garbage at the other Muppets. Snuffleupagus is seeking help for depression and elephantiasis. And most recently Elmo is facing sexual harassment charges when he allegedly asked another Muppet to tickle him.

Plans to introduce the character are causing in outcry in the United States. Politicians are quick to condemn the plot to spread awareness and are seeking assurance that the character will not appear in America. Six Republicans leading the House Commerce Committee threatened to block funding to the program if they deemed it inappropriate. "We look forward to working with you to ensure that only age and culturally appropriate programs air on PBS, which is a mainstay that millions of parents have come to rely upon over the past 35 years," the lawmakers wrote. They then went and slept with their secretaries, embezzled money, and took more bribes than they knew what to do with.

The announcement has people asking such questions as:
"How does a Muppet get HIV any way?"
"Does the Muppeteer have HIV?"
"What exactly is she participating in to get HIV?"
"Is she doing drugs? If so, who’s her dealer?"

The turmoil has escalated throughout and some people are even thinking, "If it has HIV, and it's a Muppet, maybe I have HIV." This is causing pandemonium nationwide as people scramble to guarantee that they themselves did not contract the virus from a Muppet or stuffed animal.

I asked a single mother what she thought about the HIV positive character and she had this to say. "I hope I’m not HIV positive. My daughter has a stuffed teddy bear, and I’m just worried about it giving her AIDs. I won’t even let her go by the puppet booth at the carnival," said Kim Sullivan of Cleveland, Ohio.

Not to be out done American television station PBS (Public Broadcasting System) announced its own new character to be introduced to the Streets. It is a Muppet that seems to be wearing a turban of some kind and appears randomly during segments to shout something in another language. PBS claims that it raises awareness of possible terrorist attacks. They are having problems though, because the Count refuses to work with the new creation, tentatively named ‘Insane-o.’ He is quoted as saying, "That guy has ruined my counting one... two... THREE many times. Ha Ha Ha."