Mmmm... Frivilous Lawsuits
Caesar Barber, a 56-year-old maintenance worker (janitor), filed a class action lawsuit against four fast food restaurants on July 24th. Included in the lawsuit are McDonald’s, Wendy’s, KFC, and Burger King. According to his lawyer, Samuel Hirsch, "Fast food chains failed to disclose the contents in terms of calories, fat grams and sodium. Even when posted, the information is not easily understandable to the public." He continues to say, "Now, you have to be a rocket scientist" to be able to read labels that he said were deliberately designed to be confusing. NASA refuses to comment.
Barber, who had a heart attack in 1996 and then again in 1999, is due for another one any time now. The three year span is almost up, pressuring his lawsuit as well as his arteries. The American Heart Association speculates that the next one just might be the wake up call that the real life Fat Albert could use. They are also taking bets on the exact date of the attack, so place them now.
"They said 100 percent beef. I thought that meant it was good for you," Barber told Newsday last week. The companies opened their mouths to refute that statement, but realized it really spoke for itself. Besides, now really isn’t the time to bring up what is REALLY in the burgers. Barber, of course, continued to open his mouth and place burgers in it.
Big Barber leads the wide-waisted people, waddling into the courts and filing the first major lawsuit against the fast food industry for nutritional reasons. Caesar the Chubby, whose everyday "suits" consist of a specially tailored blazer and sweat pants, said that this was a major step forward for the obese community. Of course, after that major step, they all took a much-needed breather and wiped the sweat from their collective brow. Apparently he was originally only going to sue McDonald’s, but was encouraged to "Super Size" the lawsuit and take on four companies at once.
I caught up with Subway spokesman Jared Fogle at the unveiling of his commemorative and he had this to say through a mouthful of turkey sub: "I lost weight, so can he." Before he could say any more tidbits of wisdoms, he was lifted (carefully and strenuously) by the crowd of followers and carried off, all the while singing a song about him. The statue was erected in a park in Washington D.C. and is a depiction of Jared holding his oversized pants up and smiling as he walks to Subway, followed closely at his heels by two chubby children holding sandwiches. Upon closer inspection, the subs are indeed sliced the old-fashioned wedge cut.
Thousands of overweight Americans flock to the site (some slower then others) to worship the mortal god that is Jared. A space has been left next to the current statue for a bronze sculpture of Caesar Barber to be erected, in the event that he wins the case against the Fast Food Four, right next to the depiction of the old woman spilling coffee in her lap. This will provide a haven for jumbos worldwide to revel in the glory that is obesity. And when they’re through having an after-meal snack underneath the immense shadow of those tubs that came before them, they can ride their moped directly across the street to the golden arches.
