Is the Pope Catholic?

Pope John Paul II is out in full force now, on an 11-day international trip. Thousands flocked to Canada recently for World Youth Day, which actually lasted around 168 hours. "Why don't they call it World Youth Week?" you ask. Don't question the pope, sinner.
The pope, rattled literally more and more by Parkinson's daily, felt the need to slowly emerge from the Vatican to support Catholicism in the wake of a molestation scandal that shocked even Michael Jackson.

On the 24th in Toronto, The 82-year-old stepped lively from his plane, thinking "Baby steps, baby steps" in 4 different languages. A wind gust quickly blew off his skull cap, luckily not blowing the holy man completely over. He was lucky he wasn't wearing his gigantic pointed hat of holiness and that there were hand rails, otherwise the results could have been disastrous. His Boss was probably having a little chuckle to himself for pulling that one.

Support was surprisingly lacking at World Youth "Day" though with the youth of the world hesitant to be so near the wandering hands of the clergy. Approximately 200,000 were on hand to welcome him and follow his popemobile through the city, the smallest turnout since it was created in the mid 1980s.

Now, for those of you that aren't aware of what the popemobile is, it's a vehicle specially designed for the holiest of old people that protects him from anything evil. I did a little research and found out that the bulletproof buggy is a two-ton, six-cylinder, 24-valve engine, automatic transmission tank of pure, unadulterated holiness. It is said to have set the Vatican back a mere $1.5 million, which was quickly paid for with a collection plate pass through the throng of welcomers. The pope was allowed a sun roof in the top of his car to provide enough room for his hat. According to one of the teenagers, the clean riffs of Metallica could be heard blaring from the phat system installed in the popemobile.

Surrounding the pope on his drive down the street was his own personal security team. Much like the Secret Service, only wearing crosses. Which also helps in case one of the anti-Catholics is pulling double duty as a vampire. Mostly the Super-Holy Vatican Guards of Divine Powers just walked next to the special car and made sure that no wild and crazy Catholics got out of hand. Everyone knows how silly they can get. Anyone tries to heal themselves by touching the vehicle gets a swift crack on the head from a golden cross. Though no one thought to ask them what would happen if one of the guards had to kill someone. Makes you think, doesn't it?

The pope then took a day off on Wednesday from all the waving and smiling to take a lake cruise. He was said to have been blessing people in paddleboats who approached the craft, but turning away those that walked on water out to him.

Unfortunately this trip comes during a time when Catholics worldwide worry about the failing health of the pope. He has to be helped by aides to stand or walk short distances and his speech is slurred. A concerned reporter asked him about his health and the possibility of an afterlife. The pope refused to comment on where he was headed. Rumor has it that he hasn't been able to fit confession into his busy schedule.

John Paul Jr. did, however, comment on the priest scandals, in which 300 priests have been removed from duty due to sexual abuse allegations. He was quoted as mumbling that the sexual abuse filled "us all with a deep sense of sadness and shame." He then ordered those 300 priests to say four Hail Marys and pray extra hard.

After his brief stay in Guatemala, the pope will then travel to Mexico for the canonization of Juan Diego, the first Indian saint, who is known for his vision of the Virgin Mary in 1531. He is the first recorded person to have seen a biblical figure in his morning cereal.

The pope will then travel back to his home in the Vatican City, where he will catch up on reruns of The Sopranos on Tivo.