Fun Size

"Fun size" is probably the most misleading gimmick in the world today. It's almost false advertising. If it were fun size it would be a HUGE bag of candy, not these little things that only have one Skittle. That's not fun.

Fun is having so much chocolate in one sitting that you're sure you're going to rupture from eating so many M&M's. That's fun.

Fun size is having a candy so big you have to bite into it like an apple. That's real fun.

Fun size is eating some much candy at one time that you become allergic to it and get sick every time you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That's barrels of fun.

Fun size is candy that can't fit in the vending machines so it has to be specially shipped in huge crates and lowered with cranes. That, my friend, is fun.

You know you're getting jipped with these bags too because they're usually found in those tiny "Lunchables". Everything in that package is as small as it possibly can be. They should be called "NotEvenBigEnoughtobeaMidnightSnackables." No one, not even kindergartners, can just eat one of these for lunch, unless you're Olive Oil and are full when you swallow a pill.

What is with the statement on the side of the M&Ms "fun size" bag that reads, "M&M's Candies May Contain Peanuts"? They're not really sure? "We accidentally mixed up the two different kinds of M&M's. Sorry about that. The millennium bug got us."

Second Greatest Invention

There comes a time in your life when you have to take a step back from reality and analyze the things that make the world a better place; the inventions that revolutionize society and impact the world. It’s times like these in which you need to take a break from your chaotic lives, sit down, absorb it, and enjoy the help of the second greatest invention… the spork.

This handy tool combines two pieces of silverware into one useful utensil. You can scoop, stab, and even cut with it. They ought to call it the sporkife, because you can saw at your food too. This convenient kitchen aid should be also made into silver and not just the regular plastic utensils and be required in all kitchen sets. Silverware sets should all have the necessary basics: meat knifes, maybe one of those silly gravy boats, a ladle (say this really fast repetitively), and a set of sporks.

With the wider introduction of the spork, all kinds of things could change. They’ll make pitch-sporks for the farm hands, so that they can scoop and pick up the hay and crops easier. People will say, “Spork it over” when they want something. Setting the table will be made quick and easy for major events. Merman would carry golden sporks… if they existed. Most importantly people will be supplied with the second most important invention in history.