Fat Guy

I just saw the biggest, most corpulent teenager ever, and I must say that it was the funniest sight I have seen in a long time. There was no way to call him "festively plump." He is a huge fat ass. We'll just call him Humpty Dumpty.

First of all Humpty's head looked like it was almost a perfect sphere. But it was little too tiny for his enormous torso. It looked like an orange smashed onto a mega-pumpkin on steroids.

Humpty sort of resembles a snowman. But with a snowman, there is a little more neck definition. The only neck this guy might have had was covered in the back by fat with no where else to go but to spill upward, and a multitude of chins in the front. There is no way to tell where his head ends and his upper chests begins. It's just a large blob of mass and rolls spilling and overlapping other rolls. The rolls are virtually fighting with each other to reach the surface with each earth-shaking step. It's probably possible for him to sit in the sun for a day, tan, and then waddle around; switching and rippling from tan to white and back again as his bulk undulates.

His arms look like the front limbs of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. But instead of being the most ferocious and powerful dinosaur, he's an obese teenager that could possibly set the record for the youngest person to ever have a quintuple-bypass. They are incredibly short because they connect to his frame somewhere in the void of adipose tissue. Where his biceps would be is just a congregation of flab that shifts to allow movement, which prevents him from putting his arms too close to his body, so that he holds them in front of him. This plus the constant panting from the arduous trek out to the parking lot make Humpty look like a panting dog.

I spotted this Fat Bastard look-a-like from the rear, so the first thing I noticed was that his mesh backpack was stretched out completely flat against his back. He had it loosened as far as that poor thing would reach and the shoulder straps were still pulled to their furthest point without actually tearing the pack in two. It was almost as if his backpack and its contents (a jumble of papers and a "light snack") were being tightly drawn in all four directions like a torture rack. You could have catapulted his orange-like head into deep space with that strained bag. You could have twanged a beautiful note on that taut satchel. You could have walked right up to him and said, "You are quite a fat ass. I mean, come on, look at your poor backpack."

Expecting to see tree trunks, I was shocked to see tiny legs supporting the mammoth weight above them. The body rounded outwards to what were supposed to be hips, but without any definition of a waist, and then tapered all the way to his size nine sneakers (of course, perfectly suitable running shoes). This gave him an egg-like shape, hence the name Humpty Dumpty. He sort of trudged flat-footed and on the outside of his feet as his feet were compressed further towards the ground and as his knees and ankles gave way to the pressure.

The best way to describe his awkward movement was to say that he waddled. It was almost a slow swagger, but more of a swinging of the girth from one side to the other. It's all about momentum for this guy. Once he gets rolling, the best is to stay out of the bowling lane (pardon the horrible pun on "rolling"). He didn't ride the bus for fear of being lodged in the aisle between two unyielding seats, so he tilted and overflowed into the passenger side of a pickup truck (not the bed, yet another shock). The old truck's shocks could barely withstand the initial weight, but even then still sank to the level of a true G-ride. I got to thinking though. Maybe there are so good reasons why he is so incredibly huge.


1. Maybe the world's largest camera is always on him and it always adds 200 lbs.
2. Maybe he's really a wooly mammoth is disguise for school because he's worried that his classmates would make fun of his hairy back. Nah, that couldn't happen, mammoths are extinct.
3. Maybe he was supposed to be born as twins, but the split was never completed.

Fun Size

"Fun size" is probably the most misleading gimmick in the world today. It's almost false advertising. If it were fun size it would be a HUGE bag of candy, not these little things that only have one Skittle. That's not fun.

Fun is having so much chocolate in one sitting that you're sure you're going to rupture from eating so many M&M's. That's fun.

Fun size is having a candy so big you have to bite into it like an apple. That's real fun.

Fun size is eating some much candy at one time that you become allergic to it and get sick every time you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That's barrels of fun.

Fun size is candy that can't fit in the vending machines so it has to be specially shipped in huge crates and lowered with cranes. That, my friend, is fun.

You know you're getting jipped with these bags too because they're usually found in those tiny "Lunchables". Everything in that package is as small as it possibly can be. They should be called "NotEvenBigEnoughtobeaMidnightSnackables." No one, not even kindergartners, can just eat one of these for lunch, unless you're Olive Oil and are full when you swallow a pill.

What is with the statement on the side of the M&Ms "fun size" bag that reads, "M&M's Candies May Contain Peanuts"? They're not really sure? "We accidentally mixed up the two different kinds of M&M's. Sorry about that. The millennium bug got us."

Second Greatest Invention

There comes a time in your life when you have to take a step back from reality and analyze the things that make the world a better place; the inventions that revolutionize society and impact the world. It’s times like these in which you need to take a break from your chaotic lives, sit down, absorb it, and enjoy the help of the second greatest invention… the spork.

This handy tool combines two pieces of silverware into one useful utensil. You can scoop, stab, and even cut with it. They ought to call it the sporkife, because you can saw at your food too. This convenient kitchen aid should be also made into silver and not just the regular plastic utensils and be required in all kitchen sets. Silverware sets should all have the necessary basics: meat knifes, maybe one of those silly gravy boats, a ladle (say this really fast repetitively), and a set of sporks.

With the wider introduction of the spork, all kinds of things could change. They’ll make pitch-sporks for the farm hands, so that they can scoop and pick up the hay and crops easier. People will say, “Spork it over” when they want something. Setting the table will be made quick and easy for major events. Merman would carry golden sporks… if they existed. Most importantly people will be supplied with the second most important invention in history.