Another War is Waged

Disney vs. Michael Moore: A Heavyweight Bout of Documentaries

In this corner we have Michael Moore, a chubby, liberal documentary filmmaker and winner of an Oscar for Bowling for Columbine. He weighs in at about a deuce and a half, because about a third of that is bullshit. But that's ok, because he "sticks it to the man," so you gotta give him credit for that. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of his work. You just gotta take it with a grain of salt. Or a spoonful of sugar... Mary Poppins would be proud.

But she wouldn't be supercalifragilisticexpialidociously-proud of Disney, the company that brought her to the silver screen in 1964, the other corner of this proverbial ring. But those were happier times, when Michael Eisner wasn't sabotaging the company with nuggets like "Hey, I think we should get rid of Pixar." You know Pixar, the ones that created Toy Story 1 and 2, Monster's Inc., and Finding Nemo.
And just so I'm not alone on this, here's a quote from this link:

"Michael Eisner's Disney has been a case study in poor corporate governance."

Disney, also a heavyweight in the movie industry, is remembered for their timeless tales of fantasy and sing-a-longs. That is, before they decided to NEVER MAKE A HAND-DRAWN ANIMATION MOVIE EVER AGAIN. Pencils down everyone, your time is up.

But the real test for Disney was about to begin. It faces off against Michael Moore, the corporate crime-stopper.

Ding ding.

Round 1:
Michael Moore's movie is blocked from distribution by Disney
Disney comes out swinging, knocking an astonishing sucker punch to an otherwise unready Moore. This fight could be interesting, folks.
But what's this? Moore responds to the blow, saying Disney only did this to secure "tax breaks in the state of Florida" and other political reasons. Whoa, thems fightin' words.
Disney counters with "It has nothing to do with taking sides, we just don't want to be political."
This has all the makings of history, folks. Someone's ear could get bitten, I can feel it.

Round 2:
The Weinstein brothers buy Michael Moore's film
Moore isn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. The Weinstein brothers (they head up Miramax, a Disney-owned company) buy the movie and make plans to distribute it themselves. (Eventually he ends up with 3 distributors, but let's not get bogged down with details)
Eisner fusses and Disney dances around him, shaking it off. They gotta be seeing stars after that one though.
BAM!
Michael Moore's film wins the prestigious Palme d'Or, the top honors at the Cannes Film Festival in France. That is OUTSTANDING feat, folks, and Disney is really reeling. It's gonna take a lot to recover from that one. Disney is really hurting as this round ends.

Round 3:
Disney has a trick or two up its sleeve, however, as it shows signs of life.
Barely a month after pulling support of Fahrenheit 9/11, Disney decides to back a different film. MoveAmericaForward.org, a conservative site created and dedicated to stopping F911 from being released, has made a movie called "America's Heart and Soul." And guess who's got their back? Disney. They make such a good tag team.
This, of course, coming from a company that doesn't want to be political. Even Pinocchio must be looking at its creator and thinking, "Wow, that is total crap."
Michael Moore attempts to float like a butterfly, but ends up just being fat.

Round 4:
Fahrenheit 9/11 breaks box office records.
Ouch, that has to hurt. Disney is definitely down. They are showing no signs of getting up, people. Knockout!
Someone call Doc (one of the seven dwarves) cause this fight is over.

Winner? Not Disney.

Speaking of Spiderman...

Spider-man India was just released. Here's a picture of the superhero:


Read about it here:
http://www.gothamcomics.com/spiderman_india/

Quote from the above press release:

"Readers of this series will not see the familiar Peter Parker of Queens under the classic Spider-Man mask, but rather a new hero – a young, Indian boy named Pavitr Prabhakar. As Spider-Man, Pavitr leaps around rickshaws and scooters in Indian streets, while swinging from monuments such as the Gateway of India and the Taj Mahal."

No word on whether or not there will be a Spiderman-India movie.

Leaked Spiderman 2 Scene

Exclusive Spiderman 2 scene, only found on "Miscellaneous Thoughts."

The Passion of the Jeff

Since I don't have much to do this summer, I'm going to try to update this site a whole lot more. I'm working my tail off here to provide witty and recent content. In return for my arduous labor you could tag a tiny little comment onto the bottom of each post, if you happen to read it. I know, it's got comments now! Craaaazy.
Thanks to the one person who has posted a comment, besides my own self-deprecating frustrations with the image hosting...
What are cousins for, if not to drop a comment on each other's blogs...

Any way, now there are comments. So after you're done wasting your time slogging through the blog, you can waste a little more to write, "Hey buddy, you suck" or something a little more positive. And don't forget to sign it, so I know who's stalking me.

Chronicles of Riddick-ulous

This movie can be summed up in one word: Riddick-ulous.

It’s just another high-budget, high-action, and highly-lacking summer movie pandering to teen boys taking notes on how to be bad. The movie itself seems to puff out its chest, as it pumps testosterone into a terrible plot and merely muscle-flexing characters. It tries way too hard to be macho and cool, with action sequences that start for no reason at all. It’s Starship Troopers meets Battlefield: Earth. Only with none of the redeeming qualities that S.T. provided and more of the “I could be doing so many other things right now” that B:E passed around. But let’s not forget the intergalactic politics stolen from Star Wars.

The eerie, chilling suspense is gone from the original movie (Pitch Black), and in its place is MORE ACTION. That’s what people want to see, non-stop action. Followed closely by action. And then, you guessed it, action. But even the ass kicking and blowing stuff up isn’t that good. It’s too busy being tedious and familiar to capture even the shortest of action spans only MTV could foster.
However, the plot that does exist is fragmented, splitting into three adventures (or chronicles, if I may be so bold), each with its own nonsensical plot. If you’ve never seen an action movie before, then you might think all of this is cool. But this one isn’t even in the same galaxy as anything memorable.

Riddick (played by Vin Diesel) reprises his role from Pitch Black, where he was an escape convict running from people and creatures that want to kill him. In this movie, he is an escape convict running from people and creatures that want to kill him…
I know. Originality at its finest. It’s pretty sad that the video game based on this movie has a better plot than the movie itself.
And for a starring role, Riddick doesn’t really say much. He only speaks up when it’s time for a typical action-star one liner, packaged perfectly for a trailer. At least with “Ah-nold” movies he had a funny accent. Though Vin did get to keep his muscle tee from Fast and the Furious to strut around in. But instead of driving a Honda Civic, it’s an interplanetary spaceship. But they both have a cool racing fin.

Then there’s the usual blue-eyed, sexy, fit babe (Alexa Davalos) who is there to ask stupid questions and wear tight clothing. But even here she kind of looks like a wrestler or one of those ESPN2 body builders. *Shudders*
Vaako, played by Thandie Newton (pronounced Tandy as in “Thandie Newton isn’t even that hot”), also appears sporadically so the movie doesn’t tip the scales with machismo.

Judi Dench is in it too. You may remember her as winning an Oscar for “Queen Elizabeth” in Shakespeare in Love. Or as “M” from the Bond movies. But in this she just floats around behind the scenes, too old to be mixing it up alongside Riddick. Did I mention she was a Dame in the British Empire? Why is she in this movie? Oh well, I guess we all make mistakes. I know I do. I watched this movie.

So, if you liked Pitch Black, do yourself a favor and watch that again. And if you didn’t like Pitch Black, then do yourself a favor and see Shrek 2. And if... nevermind, just don’t see this.

A Banana A Day Keeps Evolution Away

Eating bananas slows the evolution process, experts say.
The Associated Press

Scientists are currently testing the effects of bananas on a person’s ability to evolve correctly. Sources say that bananas may be the leading cause of the newly coined condition called “neverlution.”

The disease is described as the extreme reduction in one’s evolution. People who are affected by it evolve at a pace significantly slower than that of a normal human being. Doctors say there are no clear symptoms, so someone may not even realize that they are suffering from neverlution. “The best thing is to exercise precaution. If you do eat bananas, only eat them in moderation. Plantains may also be dangerous. It’s better safe than sorry later.”



Experts say that the evidence has been right in front of our eyes for years, with the obvious evolutionary lag among primates. “They’ve been eating bananas for centuries," one scientist said. "It was only a matter of time before we noticed the correlation between their eating habits and their lack of opposable thumbs.”
This news is also no surprise as bananas have been linked to polio and may be a cause for cancer. However its link to cancer only puts it in a category with everything else that ever existed, and some things that haven’t. (See also, “Xanthar may cause cancer.”)

The connection to neverlution seems more promising, though, as scientists rush to prove the theory within the year.

The new study includes testing the effects of bananas on laboratory rats. Scientists feed the rats ordinary bananas and monitor them closely for no physical change.
Early results show potential as the non-banana group is said to have grown “slightly closer” to a Master Splinter-like state.

Reluctantly, a scientist admitted later that the banana group also showed similar results, but were met with far less optimism and no head start in the maze.

Just think, when everyone else is developing super-human mutant powers, you (or your ancestors, rather) will still need corrective glasses and be unable to tear through brick walls like the Kool Aid man.

The theory, however, has not been tested on human subjects because it would be considered inhumane to subject someone to the potential consequences of eating more than one banana.

Humans are not the only group reeling from the news. The primate world was also rocked by the news that their banana bonanza has held them back. Seen here is one of those monkeys:


One scientist even dates the theory back to the dinosaurs, reigniting the controversy over their mysterious disappearance. Dr. Alan Grant says, “There may be evidence that bananas led to the extinction of the dinosaurs. You see, brontosaurs were herbivores, which means that they ate plants, including delicious bananas. Over time, the inclusion of bananas in their diet caused them to fall behind in their evolution, thus becoming more vulnerable to attack. Soon the brontosaurs were extinct. The loss of the species sent a rippling effect through the food chain. The other dinosaurs either died off from lack of prey or were forced to evolve. That is, if they hadn’t eaten any bananas. It's the only possible explanation.”

If this is true then it may be too late for some of our most beloved creatures. Curious George will remain forever curious. Koko the monkey won’t progress past “table” in sign language. But if he does, then maybe he can finally taste the sweet sweet world of pure, unadulterated freedom... and also, a banana.

Catwoman

So there's this new Catwoman movie coming out this summer (July 23rd to be exact) starring Halle "I got naked so I got an Oscar" Berry.
Catwoman was transformed from a hot white woman in Batman Returns to a slutty black whore in Catwoman.

Here's a picture of what her Catwoman costume looks like:


Here's a picture of it if they made it a little less slutty:


Here's what it should look like:

Sensationalism in the Media

Sorry if this one isn't as funny as it is painfully true

I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage “If it bleeds it leads.” Which I’m sure we all can agree, is disturbing, yet slightly true. But only slightly. It leaves out other important sayings that news programs live and rely on. Such as “if it has a mug shot of a minority, it leads.” Or “if it falls down a well, it leads.” Or my ultimate favorite, “if it scares the hell out of people, it definitely leads.”

Here’s an all-too familiar scene that you may recognize:
The camera sweeps quickly up to a desk with the call letters emblazoned on the front. Graphics bombard you like flying shrapnel and trumpets blare the station jingle like they’re announcing royalty. A dynamic duo of the best teleprompter readers they could find sit upright behind the desk, waiting for their cue to deliver what someone else wrote. The two are a mix and match of minority, age, and gender. Usually complete opposites on each spectrum, but somehow equally smug. Things get rolling and the false sense of urgency carries throughout each story that barely effects you. Until the anchors make inside jokes to each other and shuffle their papers as the camera pulls back on the studio set.
It happens on every station.

News is supposed to be reported on using the following values: Significance, proximity, timeliness, human interest and unusual nature. But, it seems TV news focuses exclusively on the latter two at the expense of the rest.

Here’s an example:
“MARVIN ZINDLER, EYEWITNESS NEWS.”
In case you aren't from Houston, or haven't seen him, he is an anchor on the ABC affiliate in Houston. His glasses are as shady as his reporting. And every week he comes on the air and reports about "SLIME IN THE ICE MACHINE" at restuarants in the area. This sends out a wave of eye rolling around the city, including the news anchors sitting next to him. Now that's bad. Having a news anchor think you're a disgrace.
But you see what I mean by human interest and unusual nature.

Unfortunately the new over-arching fad in broadcast journalism is not uncovering corruption or questioning the government (like it was intended... see also: a history class). Its all about striking fear in the hearts and minds of gullible couch potatoes.
Here’s an inescapable equation the sums up the position of fear in the media. You can’t ignore it because its wrapped neatly into an obvious truism only an equal sign can provide. It’s just simple math really.

SCARING VIEWERS = GOOD

That's the formula.
You run stories about disasters and tragedy, but more importantly the dangerous causes. Then you run a story a few days later about how to cope with the imminent danger. It’s brilliant! What results is a dependency that perpetuates itself until the next major economic or ecological scare.
For example: “Aliens could invade at any minute! Tune in tomorrow to find out what to do if an alien invades your home.” Then they run a story the next day about tin foil hats.
It's like a Halloween haunted house. If you’re smart enough, you’ll realize there’s nothing to be scared of and waltz right through it, being startled slightly by silly scare tactics, but ultimately just acknowledging them and moving on. You just have to take the news with a grain of salt. They’re probably going to be overdramatic and try to convince you that terrorists could kill you while you sleep in Idaho, but its not true. Nobody lives in Idaho.

But the worst of all in Houston, and possibly the champion of all that is sensational news in the United Media Conglomerates of America is your friend and mine, KPRC. You might recognize them as “News 2 Houston.” If you want to laugh your way through a story about a brutal murder, this is the place to go. I know, it's tragic that it happens every single day and you didn’t know the gang member, but what I’m referring to is the coverage.
The words “LIVE ON THE SCENE” has become the battle cry of news programs, KPRC especially. You don’t believe me, watch it. The first story is referred to by News 2 Houston as “THE BIG STORY,” with flying graphics that take a minute or two to circle themselves and form a sentence.

My brother recently called me just to tell me about a reporter filling a suburban with gas to show that prices are high.
Boy would I have loved to be in that meeting when that was decided.
"Ok, we need to do a story about how gas prices are up, since no one has noticed."
"Ok, but how?"
"Here's what we do, we fill up a car with gas... ON TV!"
"Brilliant! How about my Dodge Neon?"
"No. No, too small... I got it! How about my suburban!"
"I smell Peabody award!"

I’ll break it down using my journalism knowledge (that A&M allowed me to acquire before they completely erased the major from existence):
They start off with a lead. “Blah blah blah was killed today when he shot himself in the testicles and bled to death from wounds suffered from his illegal bazooka.” Yeah, that’s ridiculous, but not far off.
Then it's followed closely (always) by “It happened …” and then the location where the news story originated.
And then it's time to kick it out to the reporter LIVE AT THE SCENE.

Now pay attention, because this is important.
Broadcast news is all about visuals. If people wanted text, they’d read the newspaper. So you gotta show them something visual, whether it be a live video feed, taped footage, or an ambiguous minority mug shot pulled from the Big Book of Ambiguous Minority Mug Shots. They keep that right above the book on media ethics, which is currently being used under a table leg to keep it from wobbling.

So the anchors kick it out to the wanna-be anchors live at the scene. And they’re ready with their microphone with the little box around it. But because of the crime scene, the police pushed everyone out past the yellow tape. But then there’s too many people standing around, so you can’t get a clear shot. But there’s bushes or cars or other obstacles for the camera man. But then there’s a highway there, so you have to stand on the other side of it. So now you have a reporter standing on the other side of the highway, with cars whizzing by at 70 mph, gesturing vaguely, like someone trying to point out a constellation. “You see those people standing over there. I think that’s where it happened.” Way to go, champ. You’ll be promoted in no time.
“Yeah yeah, that’s definitely it. See my informant over there? Get a good shot of him. Hang on, he’s trying to hide his face, that crazy guy. Here, let me wave. Al! Al Johnson! Hey! Al Johnson from 234 Peach Street with the side window that won’t latch correctly! Over here! Ah, oh well, he left. Here’s a picture of him. Can we get a shot of that?”
Any way, so that’s a gross over exaggeration, but you get my point.
The news is sensationalized. I kid around about the news and single out one horrible station, but it happens on all of them. Some to a lesser degree, but they still do it. It's awful, yet I'm helpless. Because how would I fight back against the media? Write about it? But then I essentially become one of them... Damnit.

(Also, see below the “shocking” break down of Channel 2 reporters)

Breakdown of Reporters at Channel 2

First let me start out with one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my entire life and makes me giggle every time I think about it. And this is not from a comedy skit or fake news show like Jon Stewart. This is an actual member of the News 2 Houston staff, a station that attemps to be serious.
Without further ado. Ladies and gentleman...

RADAR, THE CHANNEL 2 WEATHER DOG.
I could write an entire segment on how hilarious this dog is.
They have a dog… giving the weather. Frank comes out, he points at the green screen for a while, and then they consult… a dog. F-ing brilliant.
A hurricane comes curving its way towards us in the Gulf Coast. What does Radar, the Channel 2 Weather Dog, think? Ruff. (Which translates to “rain.”) Thank you, Radar. You’ve been more than enough help in outdoing Frank, but more so in establishing the professionalism at KPRC. Sit. Stay. Good Channel 2 Weather Dog.

Dominique Sachse
What Jessica Rabbit would look like if she ditched the ears and donned a red blazer instead.

Bill Balleza
What ethnicity are you, Bill? Really. I’d like to know.

Linda Lorelle
Linda is known for her stories on breast cancer, touching the lives of ten, maybe twenty people. She won Emmy’s for her stories about it. Thank you for bringing breast cancer to our attention. Bravo. Bravo, Linda. Here’s one of those naked statues.

Kym Alvarado
So unimportant, they didn’t include a picture of her on the website. But they had a picture of Radar, the Channel 2 weather dog. Nice work. Way to earn some respect over there.

Just to recap, Kym Alvarado… no picture. Radar, the channel 2 weather dog... picture... beloved pet.

Khambrel Marshall
He’s cool. We’re tight. Shout out to my boy, Khambrel.

Chris Wragge
Pretty boy. Younger than I am. Makes videos of him shooting hoops and calls it news. Likes men.

Frank Billingsley
Nothing worse than being a weather man. Don’t fool yourself with fancy titles like meteorologist, because that’s like giving a nice-sounding technician label to the water boy. Is it going to rain? We don’t know. And neither do you. Doppler 2000 can’t save you. And neither can Radar… the Channel 2 Weather Dog.
(Addition: When I was checking the links to make sure it worked, I glanced at your picture again. And you’re a douche.)

So there it is, in all its glory. Channel 2's sensationalist squad. Go get 'em, Radar.

Shampoo

Shampoos, conditioners, convixers, gels, mousses, sprays, foams, treatments, coloring, dyes, floogans… An endless supply of hair-care products. All of which I’m convinced do the exact same thing. Except for that last one, which I made up.

And an even more endless supply of hair-care commercials. They come on more than car commercials now, with excruciating flips of waving hair and shimmering locks. It just seems a little disproportionate to how much it actually matters. Which it doesn’t. I think I would spend a little more time looking into my car than deciding on what kind of goo to lather with. And no, that wasn’t a Something About Mary reference.

But they each claim that their product gives it bounce and depth, balance and volume, relaxes and revitalizes, makes it silky, conditions it, freshens it, wines it, dines it... And I want it to do one thing. Clean.

I don’t need my hair to “shine like the sun off morning dew in a meadow” or “deflect deadly, powerful bullets.” I want it to just sit there, like the dead strands of cells that it is.

This is the reason why I don’t style it, or put endless amounts of time and effort into it. Because I don’t care. And neither should you. No matter what gender. That’s the reason why I shaved my head last summer. You can’t style peach fuzz. These kinds of decisions and scrutiny don’t arise when you resemble a Chia head.

Though, before I continue, I have to say that shampoo, among other body products, serve as the greatest gifts for women. Here’s an easy way to say, “I don’t know anything about you” in scented form. The adopted “she has to bathe, right?” formula that is foolproof. Don’t know what to get a woman for an occasion? Go to Bath and Body Works and wander around for a while. You’re looking for things that have fruits in it you don’t even recognize. Pictures of bouquets or orchards is always a plus. And let’s not forget a smell that you gives you hallucinations of babies dressed like pink gerber daisies.

Herbal Essence commercials, though, are the worst. If you haven’t seen them, it basically shows a woman enjoying an “experience” and enjoying washing her hair a little too much. There’s even one where she has such an experience in the middle of a courtroom, on which I have decided to plead the fifth.
Though I admit it. I used to use Herbal Essences. An unfortunate result of relying too much on my mom and sharing a bathroom with my sister. Say whatever you want. I deserve it. Something about washing my hair with liquid potpourri that fundamentally invites ridicule, so lay it on me.
Though, I have to say, I never once had one of those “showergasms.” Not once. Not once in my follicle frolic through the rainforest did I feel a TOTAL ORGANIC EXPERIENCE.
I would ask for a refund after this blatant display of false advertising, but the Herbel Essence company (made entirely of women) would laugh hysterically and I would be black listed. “Herbal listed,” if you will. And somewhere down the line, when I’m famous for being cynical, I’ll be called in front of McCarthy sound-alike and asked, “Are you or have you ever used Herbal Essence shampoo?” And I would have to hang my head in shame and say, “Yes... and the conditioner.”