tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63055892012-01-26T02:07:43.881-06:00SATIRED OF IT ALL SOMETIMESJeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comBlogger1141100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-82372974822995366972010-11-11T11:50:00.005-06:002010-11-11T12:12:55.796-06:00

Keeping up my fairy tale news stories with some dark humor...Breaking news from the Emerald City today as Tin Woodman, also known as the "Tin Man," went on a killing spree, killing two adult Munchkins, three winged monkeys, a human girl and, we were told, her "little dog too," a Terrier named Toto. The teenage girl has been identified as Dorothy Gale, a Kansas native passing through

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-78252212415924500062009-04-17T12:39:00.001-05:002010-11-11T11:58:42.845-06:00

The couple made famous after a home invasion by the blond-haired Goldilocks is separating. Mama Bear has filed for divorce from Papa Bear, citing "irreconcilable differences" and seeking custody of their child, Baby.When reached for comment, Mama Bear said, "We just had nothing in common. He liked his porridge too hot. I liked it too cold. We've even been sleeping in separate beds for years."

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-80098822570184145192008-01-11T18:13:00.000-06:002008-01-11T18:43:03.966-06:00

I know a lot of heroes end up being ordinary, humble people who are just doing something to help out their fellow man. Admirable, to say the least.But that's not me.I want (dare I say need) that moment where it's just me and death going head to head for the good of mankind.As horrific as it might be, I want that chance where a stewardess yells, "Can someone fly this plane!" And I step up. I've

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-72350090998235877362007-04-10T20:36:00.000-05:002007-04-10T20:41:51.931-05:00

A few days ago the electricity went out in my apartment for a while and I was thrust into the Stone Age. This is an account of the Blackout of 2007 that occurred in my apartment building recently. 1:04pm: The electricity shuts off. I immediately panic and run into a wall. 1:06pm: I try flicking the light switch up and down. Nothing happens. 1:09pm: I find a book to read, but it’s not the

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-38823773233319922362007-03-21T12:11:00.000-05:002007-03-21T12:24:52.513-05:00

There’s a weird thing is this country with ethnic pride. Most people seem to identify and relate to people based purely on their geographical background. Puerto Rican Day Parade. Black History Month. St. Patrick’s Day.I’m German. I have nothing, nothing to be proud of. We started that one war... and then the second one… and the little mishap with the Jews. Plus I look ridiculous in

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-91916134552203395812007-03-11T23:26:00.000-05:002007-03-12T00:35:22.629-05:00

Warning: This Miscellaneous Thought will definitely offend you. I’m offended and I wrote it. This past Sabbath there was a documentary on the Discovery channel called “The Lost Tomb of Jesus” associated with Academy Award Director James Cameron. James Cameron? What is he doing looking for Jesus? First, Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones was crusading for the Holy Grail. Then Tom Hanks

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-4630585996616029882007-03-06T13:25:00.000-06:002007-03-06T13:26:12.621-06:00

Today at work an OSHA sign almost fell on my head.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-40014266698264201882007-03-02T14:07:00.000-06:002007-03-02T14:11:44.669-06:00

Just think, in fifty years we won't even have to drive our own cars. Robots and machines will control vehicles and we'll just be the passengers. No more wrecks. No more crazy traffic. No more tickets. There won't even be a need for traffic cops.There will still be police though. We have to have someone to quell the rising robot rebellion.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-71656995470300403602007-02-26T23:46:00.000-06:002007-02-27T00:06:40.075-06:00

I don't mean to turn this into an Oscar blog or something, but I saw this and thought it was interesting.Eddie Murphy Storms Out After LossAlso, I wanted to point out I got 4/5 right on the Oscars. Not too shabby. Plus, I noted the Best Supporting Actor could have gone in any direction, so that clears up that little mistake. So really I was 100% correct, if you think about it.I was always good

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-20991111411623685202007-02-25T13:31:00.000-06:002007-02-25T13:40:35.640-06:00

The Queen – This movie was only nominated because Helen Mirren was just that good. A mere formality in the category (much like the monarchy) and I was about as interested as an American is in the British royal family. Though it wasn’t as painful to watch as the usual royal backdrop (see Marie Antoinette), The Queen served as just a medium for Mirren to “act a fool up in here.” You go girl. (

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-3216459241578691602007-02-24T17:09:00.000-06:002007-02-25T02:08:42.249-06:00

Leonardo DiCaprio – It seems like only yesterday Leo was a homeless ruffian named Luke on “Growing Pains.” Who would have thought that that young kid would one day be bigger than the star Kirk Cameron? The answer is no one. No one would have thought that. Million to one odds. You ask one million people, “Who’s bigger in ten years, Kirk or Leo?” They all say, “Oh, Kirk, without a doubt.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-84371547788529086032007-02-23T23:51:00.000-06:002007-02-24T04:34:51.255-06:00

Mark Wahlberg – That quayah has come a lahng way from being Mahky Mahk. Wahlberg used to be Teen Magazine’s “Hunk of the Month” and now he’s nahminated for an Ahscar. Which is wee-id because of you look back on his cahreeah he’s been in a lot of wicked movies, but none of them really killah. I’m having a hahd time bashing the guy. He’s wicked smaht and he created “Ahntourage” on HBO, which is

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-70315164174099709132007-02-22T22:54:00.000-06:002007-02-23T01:18:33.058-06:00

Meryl Streep – She has been nominated for an Academy Award more times than any other actor. Ever. Since 1979 she’s been nominated 14 times. It must be nice every other year to have a group of your peers say, “You know what, you’re in the top five.” This year she was the demanding fashion mogul in The Devil Wears Prada. She basically played Cruella De Vil, but without the puppies. There was

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-57329262106988647852007-02-21T22:01:00.000-06:002007-02-22T00:11:27.044-06:00

Adriana Barazza – Esta película (Babel) es terrible y tan es Adriana Barraza. Abigail Breslin – She’s 10 years old. You would think that’s enough said. I could pretend the hell out of something when I was 10 years old, and I never got an Oscar nomination. I pretended I was sick so I could go to the nurse. I pretended the floor was lava or that my bed was a fort. And just today, I

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-35215995079610993002007-02-18T16:50:00.000-06:002007-02-18T18:11:23.648-06:00

I'm sure by now you know the Oscars are coming up on the 25th of February. There's more hype for this awards ceremony than even the Superbowl, with everyone generating buzz and predicting winners. Everywhere you look there's speculation about the nominees. The worst is the Internet, where each blog writes their opinions on the categories without any professional credentials. It just gets

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1164670787569769842006-11-27T17:27:00.000-06:002006-11-27T17:52:00.683-06:00

So my leg is tearing up my pants in the back. The metal hinge is ripping a hole in all of my good pants. My cargo army camo pants? Looks like I took a piece of shrapnel while diving into a foxhole. My tear-away basketball pants? Tearing away in the back. My MC Hammer parachute pants? Ruined. All would have been more viable options than the pants I wore to work today.I don't know where I

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1160466565998290302006-10-10T00:42:00.000-05:002006-10-10T02:59:30.493-05:00

Congressman Mark Foley recently resigned from the House after allegedly having inappropriate communications with male pages. Foley was a Republican Rep. from the state of Florida, known for its old people, hurricanes, and “hanging chads.” (I’m sure there’s an innuendo joke there, but there’s plenty more where that came from.) And for those of you who don’t know what a page is, it’s basically

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1153616343087596552006-07-22T19:55:00.000-05:002006-07-22T19:59:03.106-05:00

I realized today that I’m developing a bit of a stomach. Not that I lacked one before, but I’ve noticed a distinct pooch forming where there once was a cute little tummy. I’m not exactly doing the truffle shuffle just yet, but at least I no longer look like a young Mr. Burns. I do, however, resemble an albino African child, with my bloated stomach and my feeble arms. Plus I have an American

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1152035324631957682006-07-04T12:47:00.000-05:002006-07-04T12:48:44.663-05:00

I have what the Orkin man would call a bit of a bug problem. It’s not an apocalyptic apartment take over, nor is it just one bug going for a jog across my floor. It’s somewhere in the creepy-filled center.You see, my apartment isn’t invaded by a parade of crawlers. Instead, my place has become a bug graveyard. They are migrating to my floor to die. My apartment is Florida for all things

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1151221575269073532006-06-24T23:52:00.000-05:002006-06-25T02:53:12.216-05:00

I came to a realization earlier today that I just shouldn’t go in public. I have no business schmoozing or pretending to be social unless I’m safely surrounded by the cocoon that is my comfort zone.I left the apartment today in business casual slacks and a nice polo shirt. I’m lookin’ mighty fine and I don’t care that I wore the same thing yesterday. I just had to run a few errands and then I

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1151218129121573652006-06-23T23:45:00.000-05:002006-06-25T02:08:26.136-05:00

Today I met my new sales team. I won’t say which company, but that’s not really important to the story. I basically just talk on the phone all day and as we say, “book the biz.” Well, no one really says that but me. And I say it to my mirror in the morning before I stuff a Pop-tart in my face and saunter off to work.This whole week has been a week of training calls. Calls come in, I stammer

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1146578260557473012006-05-02T08:51:00.000-05:002006-05-02T09:10:39.113-05:00

I think it’s time to stop the Brokeback Mountain jokes. It was six months ago. Get over it.Sure, it was mildly humorous at the time. What’s not hilarious about a guy named Jack… and Ennis… herding sheep.White trash mongoloids are finally shaking the shock away from their limited mental capacity and responding with a slew of bad puns and lame parodies. Bareback Mountin’ wasn’t even

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1143367298315618522006-03-26T00:58:00.000-06:002006-03-26T16:22:05.223-06:00

I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things on my shopping list. I had no idea that fate would also be on that list.I wandered the isles, tossing things into my basket haphazardly and wrestling with the rogue cart with a shaky wheel. I stopped a moment to re-examine my list, crossing off "fate" and wondering how it got there. Then I looked up.And there she was, the most beautiful woman

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1136792707864422782006-01-09T00:42:00.000-06:002006-01-09T01:50:04.456-06:00

I hate the word neat. Not the neat where things are tidy and straightened, but the kind of neat where it means good or interesting. You will never hear me say THAT version of neat, ever. I might say “bad ass” or “totally rad,” but never “neat.”If I ever say the word neat, you should beat me up immediately. Kick my ass ASAP.In fact, I have a special set of nun chucks in the event of such a

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1129281602330905362005-10-14T01:57:00.000-05:002005-10-14T04:45:15.843-05:00

This weekend I took a trip. I flew to Colorado, also known as “The Square State.” Let me tell you about it. Come with me, we’ll take our own little trip. Down memory lane.Like a good little citizen, I showed up early. I got my tickets from the kiosk, which is a funny word to say, and headed towards my gate.The security checkpoint for me is like one big magic trick. I eyed the security

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1127736089794244712005-09-26T02:15:00.000-05:002005-09-26T07:07:27.690-05:00

The sun rose on another glorious morning, breaking in a new day. I thought to myself, “It’s great to be alive,” as I sat comfortably with a smile on my face. Our luxury vehicle purred as it idled along with hundreds of its closest friends on FM 529. We hadn’t moved in over an hour, but it was nice. It gave me a chance to reflect.Hurricane Rita was on its way to Houston. Mother Nature had

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1124778897331057192005-08-23T01:26:00.000-05:002005-08-23T01:45:00.983-05:00

Some people do strange things to their cars. You see SUVs covered in spray-painted camouflage stuck in traffic on a highway downtown. Or someone so rebellious that they covered their back window with “bumper” stickers, including one that says, “I can’t see out my back window.” Cars dropped so low they get stuck on speed bumps. Or monster trucks jacked up so high you have to be wearing a

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1124191734935185922005-08-16T00:20:00.000-05:002005-08-16T06:30:36.470-05:00

In a startling announcement from Hilary Duff, the teen star admitted that she is “not at all cute” at a press conference Monday.The 17-year-old actress threw in the proverbial towel five years after her debut on “Lizzie McGuire,” apologizing for becoming famous. Duff told reporters she suspected something was wrong when her movie opened seventh at the box office behind many other bad movies and

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1123928669434502642005-08-13T01:09:00.000-05:002005-08-13T05:31:16.633-05:00

I love my sister. She’s a cool girl. And having her around was nice over the summer. But I’d probably like her even more if she was bald. And she had her own bathroom.When I head to the bathroom, I’m assaulted by a sasquatch of congealed face powder and shed hair, swallowing me up at the ankles. My feet don’t even know when they’ve left carpet and onto the ancient linoleum. Sometimes it

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1122532183865788512005-07-28T01:12:00.000-05:002005-07-28T01:33:38.563-05:00

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I think I'm becoming an agoraphobic. In case you don't know what that means, it's the fear of open spaces. I can't even read Little House on the Prairie without having a fit of agoraphobia.But tonight, in a serious bout of claustraphobia, I ventured out into the world. Well, not really. Just to Wendy's.So I pull up to the intercom and I order. "5 piece

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1117685829477294922005-06-01T22:56:00.000-05:002005-06-01T23:25:05.140-05:00

For the past few days I’ve had an eye chart in my room. My mom is cleaning out her nurse's office and the first thing to wind up in my bedroom is the official eye exam chart. It’s the one with the E’s facing different directions though, instead of the letters. This is to not confuse the kid with poor vision who never made it past LMNOP. Every morning/afternoon/late afternoon I wake up, I gave

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1116407583428147532005-05-18T01:03:00.000-05:002005-05-18T04:24:06.450-05:00

With the upcoming remake film War of the Worlds set to premiere in June about aliens invading planet Earth, it begs a very important question about real life. Are we prepared for an alien invasion? Set phasers to “No.”If I learned ANYTHING in Boy Scouts, it was that you must always “be prepared.” Always. “Hey, you got chance for a twenty?” You better respond, “I sure do. Here’s a ten, a five

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1111319866256592532005-03-20T02:27:00.000-06:002005-03-20T05:58:51.873-06:00

Couple Sells Candles That Smell Like JesusA couple in South Dakota is selling candles that smell like Jesus. Now your whole house can smell like the sweet sweet aroma of your Lord and Savior. Mmmm.The guy walked around in the desert and rode camels on a daily basis, so my guess is it doesn't smell like vanilla.Now, I can understand when they sold Michael Jordan cologne, because everyone wanted

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1110201730896167452005-03-07T09:16:00.000-06:002005-03-07T07:41:20.330-06:00

I am out of shape. I've slowly come to terms with it. I got out of breath just posting this.Been thinking about exercise a lot recently. It’s a combination of eating too many jelly beans, being in the fattest city in America, and staying up watching insomnia-mercials.“Have you ever been vacationing in the Serengeti, saw the gazelles, and thought ‘I wish I could run like them.’ Now you can!

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1108727417217231902005-02-18T02:12:00.000-06:002005-02-18T07:28:09.736-06:00

A 13 year old boy in Alaska stabbed another kid on the bus on the way home from school. And the bus driver didn't notice.http://www.adn.com/news/alaska/story/6181544p-6056351c.htmlThe kids got in verbal, "name calling" fight, so he shanked him. 13 and 14 year old kids!The worst arguments we ever had back then were over pogs or which ninja turtle would win in a fight. The answer was CLEARLY

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1108115789395722132005-02-11T02:08:00.000-06:002005-02-11T04:05:30.770-06:00

Here at Miscellaneous Thoughts we usually don’t focus on celebrity news. We like to hold our website to a higher standard, not one that drags the murky waters of tabloid journalism like Entertainment Tonight. But today was a slow news day what with North Korea merely announcing that it has nuclear capabilities and a continuing war in Iraq just days after an important democratic election.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1108033416363106452005-02-10T01:45:00.000-06:002005-02-10T05:06:12.420-06:00

Too often in life we take things for granted. We bustle about in our daily routines, passing by the finer things, such as art. A fine painting or a beautiful song. What most people don't realize is that movies are an art form too. Cinema combines the elements of sound and video to create a form of expression like no other. And in this case, the animation techniques of some of the most

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1107660714882896272005-02-05T21:30:00.000-06:002005-02-06T16:40:47.186-06:00

Soak this one up. Christian Groups have recently slammed the children’s cartoon Spongebob Squarepants for promoting homosexuality to kids. The purple Teletubby and him have joined forces to infiltrate and spread gayness at an early age. Apparently the group, erroneously called Focus on the Family, is up in arms about a video where Spongebob appears with a few other television pals about

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1107253200969367802005-02-01T01:19:00.000-06:002005-02-05T21:39:35.326-06:00

You ever notice how hugging can get awkward if done incorrectly? I think we've all had our hug-tastrophes. I’m no exception. I’ll admit; I don’t even know which one is the hug, the X or the O. I guess it doesn’t matter, since I’m not really crafting hand-written notes for flower bouquets. Hug-tastrophes come in all different forms, lurking and waiting to create an uncomfortable moment. For

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1106280425400684262005-01-20T22:04:00.000-06:002005-01-20T22:09:59.300-06:00

America Online: Super Lightweight Instant Messenger 1.0™ Have you wanted to lose weight? Are you always sitting around in front of your computer screen, chatting and fatting it up? Wish there was a way to shed those pounds, AND chat with your online pals? Well, now you can with AOL SLIM 1.0! AOL SLIM™ (America Online Super Lightweight Instant Messenger) is a variation of your favorite

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1105349186469835192005-01-10T01:05:00.000-06:002005-01-10T03:39:23.723-06:00

For Christmas my brother bought my parents a TiVo. Then he escaped to Boston, leaving me to set it all up for them. He’s an evil genius. Though, to be fair, they did need an upgrade. A few days before Christmas we were gathered in the living room, watching something on a tape, when the VCR started emitting a high-pitched squeal. You know when you pick up the phone during a fax and it makes

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1105191629017160322005-01-08T07:38:00.000-06:002005-01-08T07:52:46.430-06:00

Now that we’ve read from the Book of the Cat in the Hat Comes Back and joined hands to sing together the song of the Lorax, we shall pause for a moment to remember. We should remember that each and every one of us is truly blessed to have a wocket in our pockets, and that others around the world are sadly… wocketless. Please take a moment, fellow Seussians. Ok, now that we’ve taken care of

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1105029857852444462005-01-06T10:37:00.000-06:002005-01-07T03:37:46.616-06:00

Sleep and I were never friends. We never really saw eye-to-eye on the whole "getting rest" part. Most people go to bed and they fall asleep. Not so with me. I go to bed and I try to log hours. A couple hours here. A couple hours there. Anything I can get, I take. When most people get tired while they are driving, they press on, turning the radio up a little louder, or rolling down the

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1104918748929024052005-01-04T23:35:00.000-06:002005-01-05T14:59:16.386-06:00

Ashlee Simpson (you know, the one who lipsynced on Saturday Night Live) got booed off the stage at the half time show during the Orange Bowl tonight. If you haven't seen it, here's the video. If you listen closely, you can hear me yelling, "YOU SUCK!" from Houston. I don't know who's worse, the Simpson sisters or the Hilton sisters. I bet you're thinking, "What did Nikki Hilton do?" Not

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1104491109924870942004-12-31T02:06:00.000-06:002004-12-31T14:05:40.976-06:00

My brother Michael recently took a job in Boston, or as the locals call it Baaaaaaaaaaaahston. He was originally stationed in Austin. So basically he’s leaving the capitol of the “Lone Star State” to go to the capitol of the “We're Shaped Like a Crazy Boot by the Bay State.” Austin to Boston. It rhymes. And he planned it that way. But not right away. He actually had to go to training

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1103476939555954732004-12-19T10:51:00.000-06:002004-12-21T01:11:05.813-06:00

It's about 1 a.m. and I'm in a hotel lobby. I'm straddling the border of Texas and New Mexico for a friend's wedding. A combination of my ongoing battle with insomnia and one of the groomsmen sonorous snoring has kept me up for about three hours. I'm sure there was a time change in there somewhere too. His snoring is like a pig grunt that lasts for far too long. It just keeps going,

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1103337155347348372004-12-17T20:16:00.000-06:002004-12-17T20:32:35.346-06:00

I graduated from college today. I’ve been going to school since I could barely walk. And then not walk. And then sorta walk again. It’s finally over. No more formal education for me. Me learned good. This morning, when I woke up with the sun, the only thing I was excited about was the nap I would eventually take later. The brief thought of lying back down and sleeping “just a few more

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1103182233288116492004-12-16T01:29:00.000-06:002005-01-07T03:36:53.130-06:00

You remember the list eater from this post. Well, here's a hilarious video of the List-Eater and the reactions to her craziness. listeater.wmv (Now with an updated, working link.)

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1102990176759960982004-12-13T20:04:00.000-06:002004-12-22T13:35:59.876-06:00

You may remember this post: http://jeffleins.blogspot.com/2004/08/disturbingly-hilarious.html It's an upper torso pillow for women to cuddle with. Well, I recently found out they have a new product, for men: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4092345.stm A lap pillow for men to sleep on. I know what I want for Christmas!

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1102714489378654252004-12-10T14:59:00.000-06:002004-12-22T13:30:17.786-06:00

(I’m not making this up) I’m a week from graduating from Texas A&M University. I walked to the MSC the other day to pick up my cap and gown, nostalgic tears welling up in my eyes. And through those imaginary tears I saw tents by Kyle Field, full of people waiting in line for tickets to the Cotton Bowl on January 1. It’s like a little makeshift campground by the ticket booth of hardcore fans

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1101880809486114952004-11-30T23:58:00.000-06:002004-12-22T13:30:44.856-06:00

Ken Jennings lost today in his 75th game on the TV quiz show Jeopardy. He won 74 consecutive games before ending the streak that started on June 2. Jennings won $2,520,700 over the stretch, averaging about $34k a game. The previous record for most number of wins was 7 games. Ken not only shattered that record, but also broke the daily haul mark, winning $75,000 in one game over the previous

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1101548636634570352004-11-27T01:37:00.000-06:002004-12-22T13:31:28.220-06:00

Until recently, I thought an interview was when a series of questions were asked and answered. The dictionary defines it as “a conversation where facts and statements are elicited from another.” I’d even been interviewed before for various organizational or minimum wage positions. And each one consisted of sitting and answering. Answering and sitting. So when I went to my latest job

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1101342686629936432004-11-24T17:35:00.000-06:002004-12-22T13:31:52.580-06:00

Thanksgiving with the Leins family has never been anything fancy. There’s no ceremonial cutting of the turkey or pilgrim decorations or anything silly like that. But it’s always traditional, for the most part. We gather around a long dining room table and pass things in circles. There’s football and small talk and pumpkin pie. There’s a traditional prayer over a traditional turkey around a

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1100739532729451622004-11-17T18:56:00.000-06:002005-01-07T03:04:46.960-06:00

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1100678830916736112004-11-17T01:58:00.000-06:002004-12-22T13:32:59.956-06:00

I look at people going to med school and I realize that is definitely not for me. They go to school for years and years and spend tons of money, just to get a couple of letters added to their name. A Dr there, a p, h, and d there. An m. d. over here. All so they can practice medicine. Practice. Reassuring isn’t it? Well, I don’t plan on spending that kind of time. Instead, I’m heading to

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1095015342042490722004-09-12T13:33:00.000-05:002004-12-22T13:33:19.663-06:00

Where do you take a dead animal when it dies? I mean, with fish, lizards, and kittens, you could just flush ‘em down the toilet, but what about the rest of the animal kingdom? I would assume a veterinarian, but at that point it’s pretty much a lost cause. Maybe they got a little doggy furnace in the back. Or a door that opens into the Chinese kitchen next door. Either way, if a dog got hit

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1094522665733921272004-09-06T19:55:00.000-05:002004-12-22T13:33:47.466-06:00

Last installment of "Make Fun of Jeff's Profs." First is my journalism professor. My ONLY journalism course and the unfortunate reason for actually having to take another semester seriously. And though I still have one more course, I FEEL like a journalist already. I mean, just yesterday I tried to interview someone right after their family died in a fiery car crash and had no moral

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1094284289819070322004-09-04T02:50:00.000-05:002004-12-22T13:34:22.036-06:00

http://www.cuddleparty.com/ See for yourself. Sigh. Who are these people?

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1093642282211283362004-08-27T16:21:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:39:20.630-06:00

Ok, so some of you are new to the Miscellaneous Thoughts, so I'll recap the Greatest Inventions thus far: 1. The Kleenex Box 2. The Spork And now for the unveiling of the third greatest invention of all time: Tagless shirts. So I was going through my drawer, selecting an undershirt to wear for the day, and it dawned on me that the idea of tagless is relatively new. Why it took so long for the

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1093553167417754582004-08-26T15:43:00.000-05:002004-12-22T13:35:04.146-06:00

The suit shirt is a nice touch, you know, instead of pajamas. And in case you don't understand what the characters say, it reads: "PATHETICALLY ALONE?"

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1093085920046662112004-08-21T05:55:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:25:29.990-06:00

This is installment 5 of 5. The final rant. So if you're starting from this point, please learn your number system. Late Fees: Ahhh, late fees. The unfortunate necessity of renting movies out to thousands of people. Without late fees, due dates mean about as much as my “Have a nice night” comment as they head out the door. Of course, Blockbuster doesn’t call them “late fees.” They’re called

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1092981553322607672004-08-20T01:57:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:25:51.933-06:00

The "Do You Have This?" People: "Do you have that one... with the guy from... um... It came out a few years ago... and it was about this woman who died… Do you have that one?" "Yes ma'am. We do. Try the drama section. And if it's not there, try comedy or action. Or family. And if it isn't there, try Hollywood Video." The "do you have this" people are the worst kind of customers. Even

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1092901685784173392004-08-19T01:17:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:27:08.736-06:00

Facing and Straightening: Another part of my job description was to handle the complex task of facing and straightening. Basically, and see if you can follow me on this because I know it’s complicated, I have to make sure the videos are in line with the cover box so the wall looks nice and clean. I know, it’s an intricate system. Years of development. Took me all summer to master the art of the

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1092825443450778212004-08-18T05:36:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:28:56.266-06:00

Suggestive Selling: Part of the nine step checkout they teach you in nine hour training is this: suggestive selling. This is basically pushing something they didn’t ask for and pretending like they can’t do without it. At first I didn’t do it. I would not compromise my made-up morals with such filth as promoting passes and peddling products. McDonald’s made the method famous with their “would

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1092724831058371802004-08-17T01:38:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:29:17.686-06:00

The summer is ending and so ends my time as a slave to the juggernaut of movie rentals, Blockbuster. I’ve worked there now for about three months, just basking in the world of just above minimum wage and people with absolutely no taste in movies. Though I don’t want to sound arrogant, like I’ve been slummin’ it with the uncultured folk, it just comes out that way because, well… nevermind, it’s

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1090826295966619592004-07-25T01:17:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:31:53.316-06:00

Some of you are probably tired of hearing me rant and rave about different movies. I've even made a short comment on Catwoman before. So this time, I'll just show you what others thought of this disgrace to cinema. And in the spirit of cats, I'll include 9 points, for each of its lives. Once this list is over, then we'll never speak of it again. That is, until the Razzie Awards are given out.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1090225122991551212004-07-19T02:21:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:34:01.886-06:00

If you're an avid reader of this website, you'll probably remember me ripping on Will Smith for being forever the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Here's a link to that rant/review: Ali Review So going into this movie, I was expecting him to be terrible and I was surprised there wasn't a new song of his on the soundtrack. But I was more surprised that he actually delivers a pretty solid

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1089961316236686502004-07-16T01:58:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:58:53.116-06:00

So in the post below this, I got a couple of comments. I kind of expected it, considering its a strange picture. But what I didn't expect is THIS: http://www.blogger.com/profile/3854370 38 year old divorced, mother of two. What?! Who the hell is this?! And why is she posting comments? What the hell is going on?

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1089788393535043192004-07-14T01:57:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:59:32.450-06:00

Pretty woman, walking down the street Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet Pretty woman I don't believe you, you're not the truth No one could look as good as you Mercy Pretty woman, won't you pardon me Pretty woman, I couldn't help see Pretty woman That you look lovely as can be Are you lonely just like me Wow Pretty woman, stop a while Pretty woman, talk a while Pretty woman, gave your

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1089655541370106072004-07-12T13:02:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:04:31.013-06:00

I started a company on the side. You know, to make a little extra cash. Check it out. http://www.leins-akten.de/

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1089603474032977102004-07-11T22:25:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:05:40.186-06:00

King Arthur is another terrible Disney “epic” that doesn’t do the true Arthurian legend justice. I have to give them credit, they got the names right. And a sword got pulled out of a stone somewhere in there. But that’s about it. Merlin isn’t a bearded wizard with magical powers. In fact, there’s no magic anywhere. Literally and figuratively. Instead, Disney traded in the magic and myth of

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1089264431473859532004-07-07T23:49:00.001-05:002005-01-07T04:06:54.860-06:00

So this weekend I got a sunburn. The searing result of being a red-headed, pale freckled kid with only moderate amounts of sunscreen. I was actually counting on my glaring white skin to reflect the light away, leaving me unscathed, but alas, I am lightly toasted. But I've always been known to be a little too hot, am I right ladies? Ladies...? Actually, it could have been worse. I'm only red

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1088594397141919372004-06-30T01:52:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:08:50.893-06:00

Disney vs. Michael Moore: A Heavyweight Bout of Documentaries In this corner we have Michael Moore, a chubby, liberal documentary filmmaker and winner of an Oscar for Bowling for Columbine. He weighs in at about a deuce and a half, because about a third of that is bullshit. But that's ok, because he "sticks it to the man," so you gotta give him credit for that. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1087855017290855712004-06-21T16:54:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:10:40.220-06:00

Spider-man India was just released. Here's a picture of the superhero: Read about it here: http://www.gothamcomics.com/spiderman_india/ Quote from the above press release: "Readers of this series will not see the familiar Peter Parker of Queens under the classic Spider-Man mask, but rather a new hero – a young, Indian boy named Pavitr Prabhakar. As Spider-Man, Pavitr leaps around rickshaws

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1087854485092221902004-06-21T16:46:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:12:25.053-06:00

Exclusive Spiderman 2 scene, only found on "Miscellaneous Thoughts."

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1087548475909484802004-06-18T03:39:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:15:09.033-06:00

Since I don't have much to do this summer, I'm going to try to update this site a whole lot more. I'm working my tail off here to provide witty and recent content. In return for my arduous labor you could tag a tiny little comment onto the bottom of each post, if you happen to read it. I know, it's got comments now! Craaaazy. Thanks to the one person who has posted a comment, besides my own

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1087464598553772332004-06-17T04:19:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:15:38.486-06:00

This movie can be summed up in one word: Riddick-ulous. It’s just another high-budget, high-action, and highly-lacking summer movie pandering to teen boys taking notes on how to be bad. The movie itself seems to puff out its chest, as it pumps testosterone into a terrible plot and merely muscle-flexing characters. It tries way too hard to be macho and cool, with action sequences that start for

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1087345875823755202004-06-15T15:14:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:18:52.500-06:00

Eating bananas slows the evolution process, experts say. The Associated Press Scientists are currently testing the effects of bananas on a person’s ability to evolve correctly. Sources say that bananas may be the leading cause of the newly coined condition called “neverlution.” The disease is described as the extreme reduction in one’s evolution. People who are affected by it evolve at a pace

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1085625632866515232004-05-26T21:36:00.000-05:002005-01-07T03:31:16.023-06:00

So there's this new Catwoman movie coming out this summer (July 23rd to be exact) starring Halle "I got naked so I got an Oscar" Berry. Catwoman was transformed from a hot white woman in Batman Returns to a slutty black whore in Catwoman. Here's a picture of what her Catwoman costume looks like: Here's a picture of it if they made it a little less slutty: Here's what it should look like:

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1085177565044245532004-05-21T17:11:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:11:07.363-06:00

Sorry if this one isn't as funny as it is painfully true I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage “If it bleeds it leads.” Which I’m sure we all can agree, is disturbing, yet slightly true. But only slightly. It leaves out other important sayings that news programs live and rely on. Such as “if it has a mug shot of a minority, it leads.” Or “if it falls down a well, it leads.” Or my ultimate

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1085174517055043102004-05-21T16:19:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:13:10.416-06:00

First let me start out with one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my entire life and makes me giggle every time I think about it. And this is not from a comedy skit or fake news show like Jon Stewart. This is an actual member of the News 2 Houston staff, a station that attemps to be serious. Without further ado. Ladies and gentleman... RADAR, THE CHANNEL 2 WEATHER DOG. I could

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1083274406837479632004-04-29T16:32:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:19:32.710-06:00

Shampoos, conditioners, convixers, gels, mousses, sprays, foams, treatments, coloring, dyes, floogans… An endless supply of hair-care products. All of which I’m convinced do the exact same thing. Except for that last one, which I made up. And an even more endless supply of hair-care commercials. They come on more than car commercials now, with excruciating flips of waving hair and shimmering

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1080544503060477012004-03-29T01:14:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:19:48.310-06:00

I was just recently at the health center (I had scurvy) and on the wall they had displayed the plans for the new health center they want to build as part of the campus makeover. It looked kind of cool, with a little pond in the front and a nice modern design. But then my eyes wandered to the tiny model they had constructed. And apparently the plans call for a monorail. A MONORAIL! Texas A&M

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1080239212394236072004-03-25T13:26:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:20:08.963-06:00

A county in Oregon has banned all marriages, gay and straight. See here: http://famulus.msnbc.com/famulusgen/reuters03-23-182738.asp?t=renew&vts=32320041850 All around the nation, couples are rushing to get married in protest of the ban on all marriages. Las Vegas has reported a sudden flood of couples eloping, including recently married Britney Spears, which lasted two and a half minutes.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1076785344716831812004-02-14T13:01:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:20:27.296-06:00

I was introduced to fondue last week. And I was frightened. In case you don’t know what fondue is, it’s basically a mini version of a meal. Little pots are heated up and everyone stands around dipping finger foods into them. Each “fonduer” is assigned skewers to lessen the risk of someone catching on fire, but upping the chances of someone losing an eye. People are randomly stabbing meats,

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1075852312320798952004-02-03T17:48:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:20:47.443-06:00

Forget the Doppler 2000, we once again had a little furry creature come predict absolutely nothing. I know your instincts would tell you to whack him on the head with a rubber mallet when he emerged, but this time we waited until he sauntered out for the most useless holiday ... ever. I couldn't possibly type anything funnier than this though. Go here, you'll laugh, I promise.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1075852050242755282004-02-02T13:34:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:21:23.703-06:00

This is usually a little rant I do at the beginning of every semester for my mom and brother showing them just how excited I am about my boring courses and even more boring professors. But here it is for you. Nothing spectacular, just a few character descriptions. First there is my health teacher. Nine months pregnant. She comes in and starts teaching us about exercise and the observant

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1075399444862244472004-01-29T13:01:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:22:03.950-06:00

I'm not really one to go out to clubs. You could say I don't “frequent the club scene.” I don’t “go clubbin’.” Because I really “can’t dance.” I don't think I'm extroverted enough to go up to a random girl I don't know and ask her to “cut a rug.” Maybe it’s because no one has said that since 1957, or maybe I'm a little weirded out by what that would actually mean. I’m more of a

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1075188322124716132004-01-27T01:19:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:22:29.100-06:00

I was always a little scared of the characters in the Wizard of Oz. And not the usual scary ones like the witch or the flying monkeys or the midgets. I was scared of the Scarecrow and the Tin Man. The Scarecrow was just crazy. He was unpredictable and that was frightening in itself. But I was especially scared of the Tin Man. He had no heart and a big axe. He could have chopped Dorothy

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1074642958757828102004-01-20T16:55:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:22:50.080-06:00

A spokesman for PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) made a statement today concerning the depiction of cruelty to animals at children's parties. "We at PETA believe that parents are promoting the ill treatment of animals at parties and gatherings with irresponsible games and activities. We feel that this has gone on long enough. We urge that our fanatics everywhere speak out."

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1074017408872837012004-01-13T10:52:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:23:14.023-06:00

Man, it is weird sometimes being one-legged. All sorts of crazy stuff happens to you that doesn't really happen to other people. A normal person messes up their knee, they need surgery. I just drop it off for 24 hours and its all tuned up when I come in the next morning. A normal person breaks their leg and they need an ambulance and a cast. I break my leg and I need an Allen wrench and some

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1074006973874436122004-01-13T09:01:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:23:40.333-06:00

Yeah, yeah. I know the dentist bit is overdone so I'll keep it brief. After laying precariously in that chair under the interrogation light for enough time, making small talk like it was going out of style, it was time for the routine teeth cleaning. This is where the hygenist takes a tiny circular sander to your teeth. This high-speed circular motion is supposed to make up for 6 months worth

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073648631867535772003-12-24T02:34:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:24:14.210-06:00

Home Depot is not my friend. Talk about being out of my element. I belonged in there about as much as I belonged in a Victoria’s Secret. It was like I was friggin' city mouse in the country. Only this was the mother of all country stores. I was definitely the nerdy computer guy in a hardware store. They could sense it when I came in, with their confused looks and their sideways glances. I

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073645262279219042003-10-13T04:43:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:24:40.930-06:00

Ah, the Boy Scouts. Brings back memories, doesn’t it? Of camping and camp fires and summer camp and campers and John Cougar Mellencamp. Well, not if you were a girl. I mean… are a girl. Whatever. You had the bastardized version of Boy Scouts, cleverly named Girl Scouts, where you would sew or make tasty things. But if you’re a guy, you know what I’m talking about. And if you’re still a girl, you

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073645431513223092003-06-19T15:30:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:25:11.820-06:00

Kobe Kobe Kobe. All I can do is shake my head in a shocked state of complete denial. But I think we all have to come to terms with what this whole fiasco means. Our little baby's all grown up. From the point where you said, "Hey, where do the high school girls hang out around here?" until now, where it looks like it may cost you the Olympics, you've started to become a man right before our eyes.

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073645558088567222003-06-18T15:51:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:25:43.183-06:00

A six-year-old girl named Abagail Shaw learned that it’s not easy being an entrepreneur on Wednesday, June 18, in Naples, Florida. Her lemonade stand was shut down due to a lack of permit required for temporary businesses. A complaint was filed by a nearby neighbor, causing the cops to follow procedure and follow up on it. The police officers arrived on the scene to find that the complaint was

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073645693752023512003-05-05T02:12:00.000-05:002005-01-07T04:26:15.723-06:00

I think the hardest job has got to be being an actor... that plays another actor. Not only do you have to act like your character, but you have to act like your character acting like ANOTHER character. You’re all wrapped up in a web of multiple personas, trying not to slip into schizophrenia. It’s like walking a tight rope, only harder. Some would say a brain surgeon or a teacher. But they have

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073645749135166362003-03-19T04:55:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:26:44.753-06:00

I feel sorry for trash men. And not because they drive through the neighborhoods on the back of a giant smelling truck to pick up the filth and garbage of people along the way. But because they must have a hard time outside of work too. Think about it. The guy comes home from work, sounding like an out-of-work super hero (the Trash Man), with his coveralls smeared with slop and grime, and his

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073645800259450192003-02-18T05:02:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:27:13.200-06:00

Let’s just get one thing straight here, people. Snuggling, cuddling, and spooning are all completely different. I mean, they’re in the same ball park, here. But they’re basically sub categories of the whole type of move called “long term hugging.” Each one is special in its own way. Now, this may be confusing at times. It may be strange. You may even say “What the hell is he rambling about?” But

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6305589.post-1073645879749817192002-12-15T18:30:00.000-06:002005-01-07T04:27:50.923-06:00

A new Starbucks coffee opened recently in College Station. It was bound to happen. In fact, I’m surprised it took Starbucks so long to realize that this city does in fact exist and must be exploited to its full potential. They make a fortune off of what is "trendy." But, of course, everyone acted like it was the Second Coming. All kinds of crazy signs and then a ridiculous inflatable coffee cup

Jeffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00232348111449613323noreply@blogger.com